AIBU for not inviting parents for Christmas Day?

[Starballoon]

We have my parents over every year. There has been the odd one for various reasons but I honestly think it’s no more than twice in over 10 years. It means over a 3 1/2 hour drive as they won’t stay over. They never help just sit there and I find it not only physically but emotionally exhausting as they can be hard work. My DH knows how difficult it is and is fine whatever I choose. It’s also the first time since both my kids don’t live at home (uni). I just want a peaceful easy Christmas Day just the 4 of us. Would it be unreasonable to ask them to come over another day over the holidays? (I don’t get much time off work).

Sorry I mean not do the driving this year. I worded it unclear.

Alcohol is never the answer…. But…. Could you decide you’d like to wake up with a Bellini now the kids are old enough to drink? Only half joking :)

You’re not unreasonable to not want that drive on Christmas Day. And as others have said, it’s ok to say that you’re not up for doing it this year.

Oh well, they can't come then. They obviously don't care about your needs, so stop caring about theirs!

I used to do the same thing as you, exactly, for years! I can't think why posters are surprised, it seemed like the natural thing to do once I was married. After all, they'd given me 20+ wonderful Christmasses as a child, and it was pay-back time.
I tried the 'stay in the spare room' idea, even bought a new mattress for the bed, and Mum had an accident and wet it!
Sorry, no answers for you - it was impossible to even consider stopping once dad died and she was alone.
I'll never expect my children to do the same for me.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, more so when your children are home from university and time is precious.

I do think you need a proper conversation with them sooner rather than later. I would call the sibling and tell them to step up as you will not be hosting them this Christmas. Suggest the sibling goes to them or has them over. That way you can offer an alternative when you speak to them.

Go over with kids on boxing day and go out for a pub lunch then head home ... tell them to get a taxi

I would be suggesting given Christmas is proving difficult, that they consider moving closer to you. If they want support and easy Christmases this is the answer. Or your sibling steps up? Assuming they are not disabled.

i would tell them you are not driving them back
if they are too disabled to help you fair enough.
offer to pick them up and take them back the next day

(Mum of 4, Nan of 6)
I used enjoy the chaos of hosting of the dinner etc, for my 4 and their families but know they have their own lives & ways of doing things, so now it just 2 of us for dinner.
I would hope tho, that if anything happened, they wouldn't leave their dad alone over Christmas.
You do need time to enjoy being together as a 4, for what maybe the last time in a long while. Your parents should understand this if you explain. If not they are being selfish expecting you to do all the fetching and carrying on Christmas day whilst they sit there miserable.
Sorry to be blunt...

Have you spoken to them yet @Starballoon? How did it go?

Let your selfish sister step up this year. Yanbu

The parents don't drive. It's the daughter who has to go and collect, and take the parents home. On top of hosting!

That drive sounds excessive to me ... but having lost my mum this year, I'd give anything to be spending even just a few hours with her, over Christmas.

I’ve never heard that phrase before. As a first daughter with my background, I will do very well to remember this. Thank you.

God they sound like the type of people who say No to every possible suggestion and yet still fully expect the other party to find a solution to facilitate their needs.

3.5 hours driving done TWICE on Xmas Day?! So you get what perhaps a few hours at home where you have to produce a Xmas dinner and not have any alcohol before jumping in the car to do it all again? Sorry but there's no way I'd have agreed to that even once let alone all these years unless there were very extreme circumstances ie someone is terminally ill.

Hope you stood your ground and have a nice restful day at home.

“A taxi to mine would be over £100 so wouldn’t happen.”

OP, if I wanted to see one of my DC for Christmas and a taxi cost £100 each way, then I would pay it (and I’m not overburdened with cash). I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable, not wanting either you or your DH to have to pick them up and return them, when they live so far away. The problem is that you’ve set the precedent and they are probably taking for granted that they’ll be coming to yours. I’d decide when you’re prepared to have them (would Boxing Day be too soon after Christmas? Normally there’s plenty of leftovers, so not so much by way of cooking) and simply present that as when you will be coming to get them.

I would say to them they are welcome but only if they can stay over because you are not making that round trip on Christmas Day. But also ywnbu at all to refuse to do either journey.

Have you considered that they might welcome a quiet Christmas at home ?

No trains on Christmas Day in the uk

On Christmas day?

They have each other so will not be alone, I think it would be unfair to leave an elderly disabled person alone but they are not.
Go and visit them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead and have the CD you want and deserve.

Just send them a hamper and wish them Merry Christmas... enjoy your quiet Christmas, you earned it! X

Come across this post after Christmas so I hope you put yourself first and had a lovely peaceful day. Slightly different scenario but similar travel time. My sister in law lives 40 minutes away but we have to collect the Mother in law on the way which is in the opposite direction so ends up being an 80 minute drive if traffic is kind. I've suggested staying in a hotel before so we could have a drink and not have to drive both ways on one day. I'd absolutely not expect anyone to be driving me about especially if they were hosting. You were absolutely not being unreasonable.