I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

Your daughters are extremely selfish and putting your son to one side, expecting you to care for all grandchildren 5 days per week then treating you with no contact is disgraceful. They should be ashamed of themselves. You need to put boundaries in for your sake as you are entitled to you time to see friends, hobbies etc. I wish you well and I would be saying you won’t be supporting them when they cannot treat you with respect.

Your daughters are bullying you. Set out what’s reasonable - I’d suggest Tues evening to Thurs to allow you to go to London on a Friday to Tuesday whenever you want. And half of holidays so can go to London the rest of the time. Let’s your ex husbands new wife do the rest.

Your daughters sound vile OP. What a great example they are setting to those poor kids.
I would never blackmail my mum or MIL like this. Both help out but I have always said I don't expect them to put their lives on hold for us and we also use paid childcare. The grannies cover illness and do an afternoon each but they are not unpaid skivvies.

Stop letting them bully you. They 100% won't cut contact. They need you, you're holding the cards here.

I’d be inclined to say ‘I think asking your dad and his wife to chip in with help is a really good idea.’

You seem to be providing childcare 5 days a week and you’re already paying for some fees and/or offering to cover some fees if you do less? Is that right? They really are deeply unreasonable.

Whether or not they like their brother is neither here or there. You’re perfectly entitled to want to spend more time with his children and you don’t need to explain or justify it.

it sounds to me that they have become used to the extra flexibility that your childcare provides - not just fees but not having to be there at a certain pick up time. That might explain their unreasonableness.

They aren’t being fair to you at all.

I think I’d say ‘no more’ or ‘these are the days and times I can do, work it out between yourselves,’ maybe Tuesday-Thursday. Then you have 4 days a week to yourself to spend where and how you like. At the very least, if they were fighting each other for your time/free childcare, they wouldn’t be ganging up on you!

What a kind and generous grandparent you are but this generosity is being totally abused. You need to let them know the current arrangement no longer works for you and let them know what your availability will be from next month.
Please plan more time with your son and his family as he sounds more like you - much more pleasant to be around. Stand firm!

What suits you OP? Inform them. Tell don't ask. Give them notice. Set clear boundaries. They are being unreasonable, but you have also enabled it by being a doormat. Set an example to your daughters, show them what dignity and self-respect looks like, alongside an appropriate level of care and support. 2 days a week is generous, really. Far more help than anyone I know has ever received from grandparents. Start living your life in your terms.

Your daughters are being completely unreasonable and using emotional blackmail to boot!

You are saving them thousands (even cutting it down) and rather than listening to you and respecting your decision they ganged up on you.

Your retirement is for you to enjoy not have a new job which isn't paid 5 days a week!

Agree with other posters tell them don't ask. If you find it too tough in person then send them a message. It's too much and you need time for you as well therefore from x date it will be x number of days set to Tues wed Thurs etc.

You look after 5 young kids at once? You must be exhausted! A woman half your age would be! I’d say it’s not about your son but that you want more time for you as you’re exhausted. And let their step mum watch them on the other days as you’re being emotionally blackmailed - I assume they at least cover your costs for food etc? Otherwise you’re effectively paying them in order to help them out!
Dont ask - just say. And if they kick off, ask what they’d do if you got unwell or worse? Tell them you’ve been to your GP and they’ve said your BP is up or something and you need more time to relax. So the max you can do is 3 days a week.

I mind my grandchildren. If I want a long weekend, I simply tell my son that I’m going to book a few days away, can you pick a time that suits. He or his wife simply takes the time off and covers the time themselves. If it’s a longer holiday, I pick a month and they tell me what works, then himself and his wife sort it out.
It wouldn’t work if I felt I didn’t have some control over the situation. You need to be firmer with your daughters, after all, you are saving them money and doing them massive favours.

YADNBU. My mum looked after my son once, for an hour, so I could keep an important appointment at the bank. It was the only time I ever asked her for help with childcare. I understood she had her own life to lead and did not like children very much.
My ds3 has had to move back in with me after his relationship broke down. He has four children who are here at least three days each week; I have a life-limiting incurable illness and the stress of 'all this' at my age is deeply upsetting. I know I have set myself on fire to keep them all warm.
You have gone above and beyond with the amount of care you have provided, OP. Please hold firm and don't let your daughters bully you further.

My heart really goes out to you, you sound like a wonderful Grandmother. They are taking advantage of you big time! You need to learn the power of the word No. It’s your life and you don’t want to have any regrets looking back and realising you didn’t get to see your other grandchildren as much as you wanted- I’m sure they miss you too. You really need to set some firm boundaries and not let them walk all over you. Threatening to not let you see the children if you don’t comply with their every wish is beyond mean, and cruel to both you and the kids! I urge you to put some boundaries in place. I’ve not read it yet but the self help book ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins might be a good one for you to read.

Agree with this!

Do what suits you OP. Their kids, not yours. Their problem to solve. What would they do if you had an accident tomorrow and had a broken leg for a few months? They'd have to sort out an alternative then, so they can sort out an alternative when you are well, too.

I would give them notice and say what you're happy to do. Maybe weds Thurs, so that way you could go to others Friday to Tuesday? Or if you want to do ad hoc and stop that's absolutely fine, it's your life too!! ❤️

I have not read the full thread.

When it was time for my daughter to send her children to childcare she asked me if I could do it. I said no. I think she was shocked as it seemed out of character for me because I was always a very hands on mum in that I was a SAHM (but I also worked from home so I could be a SAHM). Honestly, I’d done enough. Growing up, I was an older child by many years and my parents parentified me. I went on to have children young and really didn’t have any life of my own.

My firm NO (which I found hard to say) didn’t go down well, so then my husband also ganged up on me. I was actually ill at the time. In bed and very unwell. He stood over my bed telling (ordering) me I had to look after our grandchildren. He was giving me orders. It was an awful time. But it was one of the very rare times I stood firm. Every fibre of my being was telling me not to give in. Eventually my daughter accepted my decision and sent her children off to childcare, and I got to be the kind of grandma I wanted to be to all my grandchildren, my son’s children as well as my daughter’s children. I was available to mind my grandchildren in emergencies when their parents couldn’t do so (something I didn’t have as a parent and would have appreciated), but mostly just to have them visit regularly, stay overnight occasionally, and enjoy spending time with them. I have a great relationship with them. They have the run of my house, and love coming here. My oldest grandsons drop in on their own just to visit.

My daughter and I have put that time behind us - she appreciates the environment I’ve created for the grandkids in my home. My husband remains a dick for doing what he did and I won’t/can’t forget. He pretends he didn’t say the things he said. Never happened.

At some point women have to stop being free fucking labour, even to our adult children. Governments rely on women’s labour for all our lives. We deserve some time for ourselves. It’s not hard to see that men take time for themselves for granted. But women are supposed to go on selflessly serving others until we drop dead.

Can I just ask OP, are you saying that they never use holiday clubs, so do you in effect provide ALL their childcare? They are taking the p...

How selfish and entitled of them. Who on earth threatens their mum with no access because of childcare?

I would let their step-nan cover some days and you enjoy some well deserved rest - time with your friends and son.

I am a mother of 4 young children - and their grandmas are for fun days out/park/shopping etc and emergencies.

OP you sound quite intimidated by them. Don't let the fear of no access control you. Face the fear and stand firm.

This. No reasons needed. If your daughters ask for reasons you can say it does not work for you. However if you want to say it is to see all your grandchildren and they complain reply that you will be very happy to have days with the children when you all go out, and occasional baby sitting as they aren’t happy with what you can offer.

What's so wrong about dad's new wife doing some of the childcare? Let them.

I think you need to think about what is manageable, let them know exactly what days and dates you can do and give them enough notice i.e. until next term.

There's not much you can do if they kick off. They are being unreasonable and you know that.

Let them impose on their dads happy new set up for a while & enjoy sometime to yourself while it lasts!
Also don’t your daughters have husbands/partners why can’t their parents lighten the load? They are the DGC grandparents too.

FWIW I think the fairness approach is the best thing a parent can do.

At the end you said

in favour of their father and his new wife.

It sounds like there's some kind of playing you off dynamic, which makes me wonder if they have experienced other dynamics.
Either way you are NOT being unreasonable and it would be good to give them a period of notice and work it through. Do what you think is fair.

I say this as someone who sadly lost my mum before my son was born and who currently has no family help whatsoever - so I apologize for the bluntness! Your daughters are incredibly lucky to have your help and frankly are (i) taking you for granted and (ii) taking advantage.

If I were you I would:
(1) Give them notice that from the New Year you are only able to help 3-4 days per week, term time only - specify either Tues-Thurs or Mon-Thurs so you can have a long weekend seeing your son and his family.

(2) Give them notice that from the New Year you will not be providing routine care during the holiday periods as you want to balance providing them with support with also seeing friends and travelling. Don't say they will need to use holiday clubs because how they manage it isn't your problem. & Combat any accusations of being selfish with something along the lines of I don't think it is selfish to allow myself the time to maintain my own life, hobbies and friendships alongside the support I provide to your family.

(3) If they threaten to involve your ex and his new wife spin it to a benefit and say something along the lines of it would be great to have more resilience in the child care arrangements and slow X and Y to build a relationship with the grandchildren.

If you need any help with drafting a message - chatgbt is absolutely brilliant for those types of things. You can use it without an account.

You are a wonderful mother and grandmother and your daughters need to knock their heads together and see how very lucky they are!

I suggest a visit to your GP for a health check. BP, heart etc. then tell them you've got to cut back.

Don't neglect your London family. You can't get that time back.

Your awful daughters are blackmailing you into looking after their DC 5 days a week, including holidays presumably for free?! You must be exhausted.

I'm sorry as you sound nice, but you've somehow raised a pair of nasty selfish bitches there.

Take control, stand your ground. Say from January you'll be doing 3 days only or whatever you want).

This will build so much resentment otherwise. You deserve not to feel trapped.

The current set up is hugely unfair to your son and likely to massively damage his relationship with you if you let it persist. I think at this point you'd be sensible to just do it and if they drop you at least you've been working on a relationship with the only reasonable person in this mess.