I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

Your daughters are emotionally blackmailing you. Call their bluff. Decide what you are willing to offer childcare wise and stick to your guns. You never know, they may end up respecting you more.

I don’t honestly think your daughters appreciate what a lovely grandmother you are, and clearly that you deserve an enriching life, as opposed to being treated as an unpaid employee with terrible terms and conditions.

State you boundaries- 3 day a week and then leave it in their hands.
If their dad and new wife currently provide no after school care, I’d be amazed if they suddenly agreed to the commitment purely due to your daughter’s demands!

How awful of them to treat you this way. Children are not a bargaining tool. I hope you can find a solution.

Call their bluff - say “ok well sorry to hear that”- I suspect they’d come crawling back soon.

They sound like a pair of grasping abusers, you sound scared of them OP and that really is awful. You need to take your power back, you are the one with it but they have you believing it’s the other way around, personally I would tell them to fuck off and let the stepmother take over, I can guarantee they will come crawling back within the week, they are playing on your emotions towards the grandchildren don’t let them.

I know Jersey very well OP as my family are from there. You probably won't want to say which Parish you live in but if you are anywhere near town and have to get to different schools it must be a nightmare for you. You have done your time. Just say no - they need to value you the effort you have already put in.

You will never win with daughters like those.

So your only option is to decide what YOU want, and stand firm.

I can promise you that they will back down once you said "let your step mother have them then" if that is their only threat.

Unless she is Mary flippin Poppins, there is no way she will want a 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 year old every day and through the holidays. NO WAY. I wouldn't and they are my flesh and blood.

2 days maximum and they can ALL go to holiday clubs - and your rude, entitled daughters can start showing you appreciation.

Let the fathers new wife do it! Is that supposed to be a threat? It's actually great news. I don't suppose anyone has actually asked the poor woman though.

I'm being flippant but you need to decide what is a sustainable level of childcare you are willing to give and tell (not ask) your daughters.

Their threats to withhold contact are empty threats. They are not going to give up free babysitting with someone they trust entirely if they don't have to.

Think what you are willing to give e.g. to cover Tuesdays and Wednesdays and give your daughters notice that this will start after Xmas. You also need to tell them that with reasonable notice you will take holidays and they can book annual leave if they need to.

You are a caring involved gran but they are exploiting your good nature.

If they say you can't see the grandchildren just tell them that you are sorry to hear that and hope they change their mind - but book a holiday quick!!

Having read only your posts, can I just that this is YOUR life and you get to say how you live it.
You don't need to do ANY childcare. Full stop. And if your daughters are their husband are UNABLE to care for THEIR children appropriately that is a problem for them to solve.
Tell them that as from 1st January you are prepared to do x,y and z, and they have to sort the rest. Do not be blackmailed. If they choose to withdraw their children from your life then that is for them to rationalise.
You had had your kids, let them parent theirs. Not your responsibility, not your problem.
Your life.. you only get one so live it for you.

They're being totally selfish. But, I would decide what you do want to do and keep it consistent to allow them to arrange alternative childcare.

E.g You can do Tuesday Wednesday only every week. If Grandads wife #2 wants to do babysitting, let her do a couple of days a week. What about the paternal Grandparents, can they help out?

That will keep you in their lives but also let you have a life and you can visit your son for long weekends.

Also, if you were working full time, you would get around 5 weeks a year in annual leave - think about that, you're currently being treated like a slave!

Failing that, I would be tempted to say sod them all, sell up and move to Wales or Scotland.

Give them notice now that they need to get childcare from 1 Jan. That is plenty of notice.

Your daughter sounds horribly entitled.

I think you need to book a holiday to see your son and tell your daughter that she needs to reorganise the childcare.

I would add that moving forward you let DD know that you are free to do only the type of childcare that suits you. She can take it or leave it.

If she goes down the emotional blackmail route then call her out for it. In fact, I’d be tempted to show her this thread!

I bet the new wife will not agree do 5 days childcare for multiple (non) grandchildren all at once, or their dad be willing to pay wraparound instead of you for the school term indefinitely. just a hunch 😆 I’d call their bluff. It’s hard though but they are using the threat to hurt you and that’s bullying/cruel.

Your daughters are selfish and nasty brats. You deserve better. No need to ask them: TELL them that from January you will be cutting down your childminding to three days a week so they’ll have to pay for two days. If they threaten you, so be it - they know that they’re fortunate and are using emotional blackmail to bully you into submission. If they argue, cut it down to one day a week

Fuck that shit. I’m pissed off on your and your son’s behalf. Cowsuns!

I think your daughters are extremely lucky to have you offering so much help, both childcare and financial. I think they are both taking advantage of you, even if they didn’t intend to.

You’ve mentioned it and the link to seeing your son. I would leave things for a while if you can and then reframe the need to reduce your days helping them out. By then they will have heard it before, it won’t be such a shock and if they say their stepmother will do the extra days respond with, “That will be so lovely for the GC to build a relationship with her as well.”

I am a nana to 4 . I look after the youngest one day a week and my son and Dil are very grateful for this . I think your daughters are so selfish and are using you . Threatening that your X will look after the kids is just so nasty , I'd love you to say OK go ahead because the X is unlikely to want his life taken over with childcare . Please don't be bullied and stand up for yourself , you deserve a balanced life to see friends and do some of your own thing . If you can't say it directly then put it in a text ! Good luck..

this
your daughters are horrible and selfish. I never ask my parents to have my kids - even holidays etc are in holiday clubs. Yes it costs, but teaches them independence, they make friends and reduces resentment among family - like this!

you need to stop doing this immediately and say you will do 2 days a week (in total!). If they do not like it - ask dads wife!

This.

I am sorry your daughters are taking advantage of your good nature. They are both sound terribly entitled and selfish.

I would be very suprised if Ex and new wife want to take care of five young children every day wrap around and during holidays - they don't seem to be doing any heavy lifting at all on the childcare front at the moment. What do you think?

OP, have you noticed that we are all standing beside you in solidarity ?
Beside, behind, in front of...you are surrounded by support x

You are being massively taken advantage of. Tell your daughters exactly what childcare you are willing to provide and don’t let them bully you into more. To put it bluntly, they are absolutely horrible people for blackmailing you with the threat of stopping you seeing your grandchildren if you don’t do exactly as they tell you. They are genuinely horrible people. I’m sorry.

Nobody would do that amount of free childcare voluntarily! I'm sure their dad's new wife would be absolutely horrified at the very suggestion. Why her anyway? Why not their dad? The expectation that retired women will have to take on caring duties for grandchildren and frail parents while men get to play golf and chill in their armchairs pisses me right off.

Awful op. Stand up to these divas! You set the terms. Childminding is tiring too. My friend minds her grand daughter but says its quite tiring

They sound really selfish. You need to put your foot down. You never agreed to 5 days. Your still helping them with cost but I’d suggest maybe 3 days and if their dads wife can do the other 2 by all means crack on let them. You’re not showing favouritism at all. You have 7 grandkids and want to spend equal time with them xx

You need to just say No, no explanation needed!
They're absolutely taking advantage and know it. When we had our daughter we consciously chose NOT to use grandparents as childcare. We covered as much as possible between us with reduced hours and paid a nursery for the rest. We wanted our daughter to grow up seeing grandparents as exactly that and not as an alternative parent or carer and we saw how much our parents silently struggled looking after their other grandchildren. It was never just for work either, always the odd extra hour or 2 here and there so parents could shop/go out/attend appointments/nights away. Its taking the P.
You also need to stop paying.
Without wanting to be harsh its our job as parents to raise capable independent adults and lead by example.
Your son seems to be managing but your daughters clearly aren't any of these things if they rely on you so heavily its also a terrible example to set for your grandchildren. Kids learn more from our actions than words.

There's an easy way out of it. Feed the dc upf at all times and put cbeebies on permanently. Perhaps teach a few swear words? There's nothing funnier than a 2 year old shouting "oh bugger it!"

Yes the daughters have more than one child and I’m sure they can’t imagine shunning one of them to favourite the other… if they really push it about your son, ask them what if two of your kids didn’t want you to visit the other? They wouldn’t tolerate it I’m sure… but stick to the BP / tired angle to avoid drama