I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

They are doing this because they can. Do not negotiate and do not offer to pay for anything - casual babysitting (on your terms) is more than enough!
If they threaten to have them looked after by the stepmum then let them arrange that (but I guarantee the arrangement would be over within a month!)

They're not going to cut you off though are they because they'll have to pay for all their childcare then , and I doubt the step mum will be willing to do childcare five days per week and all school holidays . She may not want to do any at all. It's quite a presumption on their part.
Call their bluff , they are being really manipulative. Time they learnt to appreciate you.

Yanbu.

Tell them what you are willing to do eg Tues, Wed, Thu and no school holidays. They can take it or leave it. They will take it as child care is very expensive and dads wife will not do it all (if any)

Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead

What a vile attitude, I would be ashamed if that was my children.

Let their father's new wife do it instead.

I'm sure she would be delighted to spend 5 days a week, all year being an unpaid skivvy to two ungrateful members of her husband's family! I bet they might get a nasty shock though!

Where's their dad in all this unpaid childcare?

Oh OP!
It's not selfish of you to want to spend time with your friends and I wonder if your daughters have given up completely on their own social lives as they seem to expect you to

shocking!

Rather than 'ask them to consider' using wraparound care and holiday clubs, give them both a date where your current childcare arrangement will be withdrawn/changed and what you wil be doing from that date. Put it in writing in an email.

Let them kick off, don't rise to it or apologise or say 'sorry but'. Just repeat what you CAN do (not what you can't).

They won't want to lose whatever free childcare you are willing to co ntibue to do. The threat of Dad's wife' is unlikely to eventuate, especially not a regular committment for that many children of those ages on a ongoing basis.

And don't let them gang up on you again. If it's in person, leave the room, go for a walk, drive home or ask them to leave if it's your house. If it's on the phone or messaging, repeat what you are able to off then end it. Don't apologise.

Absolutely this!

My mother in law does quite a lot of childcare for us. Last year about this time she booked a week away for the January and I just had to sort out other arrangements.

This week my mum told me she couldn't do her usual pick up next week, it's my child I will sort something.

Please start living your life x

This is about money. Try to be assertive here - you're doing them a massive favour by paying some of their children's school fees and by doing a lot of childcare. You don't OWE them any of that. Everything you do is a plus over the basic position, which is that they are fully responsible for their own children. Tell them that you are not able to continue with the current level of commitment, and offer them what you are happy to provide. Make it clear when you will be starting to do less than you are doing now - provide a reasonable date (I think the end of the Easter term would be very reasonable). Don't be guilted into paying them yet more money. Their children are not your responsibility and giving them so much is obviously not helping them to learn to act like responsible adults. Ignore the threats. They're trying to manipulate you into doing lots of childcare to save them money, so how likely are they to deliberately cut off the childcare that you're happy to continue doing?

Hope my young adult kids end up being as considerate as you.

Two Mumsnet maxims that come to mind in your scenario:
No is a complete sentence
And
You hold the keys to your own prison.

Ur being manipulated and used. You do what works for you and what you are happy with.
Everyone else will have to deal with it.
The kids will survive and thrive with inputs other than you. Sorry your daughters are running guilt trips on you and taking advantage of your kind heart.
Boundaries needed!

Duplicate

I'm a grandmother and have a regular "contract" (unpaid!) with my daughter to do childcare. It's only one day a week and some of my friends think I'm being taken advantage of (I don't usually think that, I feel lucky to see them so regularly!)

But I think, OP, that you are very definitely being taken for a mug. And emotional blackmail, as applied by your daughters, is a very unattractive trait.

You're a generation older than your daughters. You're presumably retired. You may not be as fit and healthy as you were 30 years ago. You've paid your dues; you deserve to be able to do what you want with your life now. Whatever childcare you offer should be freely offered by you and gratefully accepted by your daughters.

I don't know how you get past the threat to cut you out (I would do anything to avoid that?!) but I have to say that this paints your daughters in a very poor light, and I would be furious if I felt that my darling grandchildren were being used as pawns in a game of emotional blackmail.

Good luck. I hope you can sort this out.

@NannyNinn don't ask them. TELL them.

Say that as much as you love having all their kids, it is becoming too much and you also need your own space to do your own thing, so after Christmas you willl only be able to have them Monday to Wednesday.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again

You ASKED them? That was a mistake. You should have told them you were cutting down to 3 days in X amount of weeks/months in order to have a bit of a life and you were just giving them plenty of time to make alternative arrangements. They sound hideous.

Spot on!
Take this advice OP. It's 🎯

"I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife."

I'd take the risk in your place, @OP .

You sound lovely- so incredibly generous towards your children with both your time and money. YANBU in the slightest, completely fair and understandable you’d also like to visit your son and those grandchildren. And even have some time to relax, meet a friend for coffee or pursue a new hobby for you! 💐

I'd probably respond to veiled threats about their new stepmother "taking over" with an enthusiastic "That's great! How very kind of her! It really solves everyone's problem!"

Your daughters are mums and need to stop acting like entitled brats.

You’re doing too much for them to the detriment of having the same amount of time with your son and his children. They’re trying to push him out of your life and that’s not for them to decide.

You’re their mum and you have to stand up to them. They sound like horribly manipulative people. Tell them your rules and let them go to their step-mum. It may hurt you inside, but you can’t be manipulated by them either.

Sorry but your daughters sound awful. I could never imagine telling my mum she couldn't see my kids if she didn't do what I wanted.
I would call their bluff and tell them both you can only do 3 days every week as you would like to see your friends and your son.
As a pp said I can't see the step mum wanting to be tied to every day.
Forgot about the money you already help with. How dare they treat you with such disrespect.

In my experience the more you do for selfish people, the more they expect.

Can you be my mum.

She sees my daughter 2 hours once a month and the last time i said how my 3 year old wanted to show her riding her pedal bike in the garden and she said 'no I'm happy chilling here'.

In the end i took my daughter to the park while my mum sat in the house.

They are emotionally manipulating you. Saying they will ask their dads wife instead is just to try and make you feel jealous. I agree with posters who say to call their bluff. I highly doubt she will want to do this every day.
Likewise with saying the children will be devastated. They are just trying to guilt trip you. I think you need to be firm and set out clear expectations. Think about what you are happy to do, and if they don't like it then tough luck.
I assume they are working when you have the children and aren't just using the time to themselves?

My mum initially agreed to do childcare for me too, it really didn’t take long before it was apparent that it’s bloody hard work for her. In the end I decided to put DC into childcare because I didn’t want to burden her.

Surely your own children can see or know how hard it must be

Goodness, your daughters are outrageous! What a pair of bitches to manipulate you with threats of sending the children to your exh and his wife. That’s bound to hit a nerve.

Five days a week plus some time at the weekend plus holidays with is massively taking advantage of you. On the whole grandparents do a day or two not every bloody day.

Tell them, don’t ask. Set your boundaries. There’s no way their step mother is interested in taking over this schedule, no way. Tell them you will do two or three days, no more weekends, no more holidays.