I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

This ^

Also have to say, their full confidence in "dad's new wife" wanting to look after FIVE rowdy little kids who arent even related to her, made me laugh 😀
Bet they are just assuming they can bully her into it too - or their dad to agree on her behalf !!!

As PPs said, entitled and nasty.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you are allowing yourself to be treated like a complete mug. Stop it now. Let them issue whatever threats the like, they won't bite the hand that they are freeloading from..

I would give them notice that after Christmas you will be unable to give them the childcare they currently get from you. Decide how much time you feel comfortable spending looking after your GC, and tell them. Then use your free time to have a life, meet friends for lunch, visit your son and other places. I am sure their step mother will not want to have them full time either.

Don't let your daughters push you around. Don't ask them, tell them you need to cut down to 3 days pw as you are exhausted and also can't manage covering all the holidays. Tell them they can choose which days you drop but you need a Monday or a Friday off to have a three day weekend to rest up, visit friends, and do your hobbies. Your daughters are being disgustingly selfish. Most GPs I know only offer a day a week and their kids are very grateful even for that. You need to be allowed to live your life and see your son's family. If your daughters threaten to cut you off be firm- I really hope you don't do that, the kids and I will be devastated, but it's your choice as their mothers. Which days would you like to drop? Call their bluff - highly unlikely dad's wife would want them 5 days a week and on holidays. Even if they are annoyed with you and decide they would like to cut you off convenience will almost certainly mean they won't.

I'd agree with this...

It's emotional blackmail to say that their Dads DW wouldn't mind having them, I'd of replied "oh wonderful it'll be lovely for them to spend time with their grandad and 'Mary', I'm sure they'll enjoy it.

If they've actually asked her that is.

Let her look after them Friday/Monday it'll give you a chance for a long weekend break and you may find they start appreciating you a bit more once you show you won't be pushed around.

My mum lives round the corner and so does my sister. 5 grandkids in total for mum in close proximity. Mum catagorically told us there would be no regular childcare. To be honest the emergency and odd nights that she does end up doing is quite alot spread over two sets of kids. Of course the kids arent as close to her as it would be if they were there every day like she was a second parent. But she would also be completely worn out and have no life. Which I don't think is fair either.

OP they're bullying you and if you allow it then they keep doing it.

They're not going to cut you off, they might do the big bluster for a few weeks but that's it. Once they realise new wife won't be stepping up as much as you do.

Wave them off cheerily, tell them your door is always open but "this" is what you're offering and if it's no good then it's unfortunate.

They're not really in a position to dig in if you're coughing up coin anyway.

Book some time to go spend with your son. Let them whinge about it all they want. You won't be there to listen to it

I am another one who says to call your daughters bluff. Maybe you could suggest that you share the care with your ex husband and his wife. Believe me they will not want to do even a quarter of what you do.
We have been looking after our grandchildren, from two children, for many years. We only look after 2 at a time and only 1 day a week for each child. These days it is usually after school and holidays/sickness. Even this is quite a commitment but we do enjoy it. Our children also use holiday clubs and after school clubs. They would not expect us to do any more. We have quite a few holidays a year and they manage without us then. You need to be firmer. You are being bullied by your own children.

This is really making me laugh! I am so squarely in the healthy food and no swearing camp (often ignored!), that this just really tickled me.

It would be an awfully naughty thing to do, but might give nasty daughters pause. I'd probably be too soft to teach them to swear, but I might invest in a slushie machine and send all the little darlings home sugared up and high on colourings for a couple of weeks (until machine 'breaks down'). Just until DDs get the message.

Also, cbeebies is far too educational. Baby Shark etc videos on repeat should do it! I can hardly believe I'm even suggesting something so guaranteed to send DDs nuts. 😂

They are blackmailing you. Your son is clearly a better person as he isn’t. I’m sorry your daughters sound awful people and you sound lovely - they are taking advantage of the fact you are so giving to them.

I would tell them, these are the days you can do…you do not need to give a reason, and let them sort out the rest. I’m sure the new wife can’t wait to commit to regular childcare of five kids under seven to whom she has no biological relation. Especially since their mother’s are so grateful and accommodating. Good bloody luck to them.

They take you for granted and they are manipulative.

They certainly won’t cut you out of the children’s lives, OP, even if you do cut it down to 3 days a week which, by the way is still more than anyone should expect from their parent. Not when you are paying a quarter of their school fees.

These are your good years. Maybe you want to meet someone or at least have the option/opportunity to do so. Or spend time pursuing your own interests. Which you can’t do if you’re constantly looking after the children - or being too tired as a result - to want to go out.

Your daughters are blackmailing you . Do full time care or we’ll sever contact and ask dads wife ?? Appalling behaviour . Personally I’d tell the straight , you are retired , you want time to do the things you want and you’re not able to do so much care . 6 weeks notice or whatever for them to make alternative arrangements and that’s it .

You need to tell them, not ask them. And steel yourself for the emotional blackmail. They should be grateful for anything you offer them.

Decide what you’re willing to offer eg one day a week each, one week in the holidays or whatever you want it’s up to you. And let them sulk about it. You’ve been entirely taken for granted.

You are retired and should be able to do as you please, you’ve brought your children up and it’s your time now. Your daughters sound very entitled and they need to sort out their own childcare. Jesus I’m 54 and I couldn’t cope with looking after multiple children week in.

Agree with this.
I’m damned if I see why you should have a houseful of very young children for a full day at all, but you were forced into that by the sound of it.
I’d be stern at this point (and with effect from beginning five minutes after Boxing Day!) and stick at one day a week, non-negotiable, maximum.

If Goneril and Regan try more bullying and threats, withdraw even that, and see what they do.
Until they treat your giving up your retirement in the service of their convenience with the gratitude it has deserved all along, and apologise for their dreadful behaviour towards you, I’d let them whistle.

Why are grandparents so mistreated by their offspring, over selfless assistance these people all appear to take as some kind of right and tribute?
Feck ‘em, it’s about time you came first, even if it has to be you who must act in a manner you'd clearly wish was not required, just to wrest a bit of your own life back.

Try to be firm and resolute, because swallowing your feelings in order not to ruffle the feathers of these ingrates really will make you ill.

As far as the daughters are concerned, you're free childcare. Nursery and pre-school is GOOD for children, helping them to socialise and get used to the world outside family. Just be brave and TELL them what you've decided. If they want to cut off their noses to spite their face, so be it.

I’m sorry but your daughters are not being reasonable at all and to be honest do not sound very nice. I say this as someone whose mother helped with childcare when I went back to work when my DD was 10 months. She helped with the transition for 6 months and I did not ask or expect her to do more than that. She now helps now and again but I absolutely wouldn’t expect her life to revolve around childcare nor would I ask or expect her to pay for it. I cannot imagine ever saying that she wouldn’t be able to see her GD unless she helped more. That’s just emotional blackmail, it’s cruel. It is in no way reasonable for them to threaten to cut you off from your GC. So if you don’t agree to look after the kids, they are willing to remove their grandma entirely from their lives?

I should add that I very much doubt that their fathers new wife would be up for the level of commitment they seem to think they are somehow owed. I’d be tempted to call their bluff but I understand this would be hard to do.

Tell them that you are finding it tougher as you age and need to cut down. They need to alternate their holidays, one has all the kids one week during school hols followed by a swap.
also tell them to use paid child care and or exs new wife for some days. If they threaten to cut you off, then they’ll have to do all the child care, so for that reason it’s an empty ( but cruel) threat.
Also tell them they are being cruel to the DCs as they’ve told you how much they adore you, why would they do that.
Perhaps start by blindsiding them with sudden D&V - they have to keep away for fear of catching it ( just for say 3 days) and they’ll have to find something short term. After your recovery tell them you’ve realised how tired you are and can’t do it all anymore, then put days and boundaries to them. Sorry but your daughters are being arseholes

Dad’s new wife desperate to look after all these kids that are not her own? Hmmmm maybe , let’s see

and this absurd level of childcare is expected of you but not if your ex husband, because he is a man?

I imagine he did not respect you much and your daughters are copying his attitude to you: you are good enough to be free childcare but not worthy of respect and of being treated well

i am sorry but your daughters sound awful and like bullies

I’d let the step-grandmother look after the kids for a bit and see how that all goes

sorry but they sound awful the way they are manipulating you

So you are caring for 5 children who are 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 😬 sack that!
Offer a tues & thursday and free up your life. So what if they say step grandma can do it instead, say yes everyone needs a village!

I haven't read the full thread but wow! Your daughters are incredibly entitled. I have an XH and we've moved closer to my parents so I have a back up. He does a few hours eow. They do 2 pick ups a week for me and added extras like occasional drop offs/overnights for work. Last year they did an incredible amount because I had a different job.
This week they're on holiday so I've booked extra afterschool club and 2 breakfast clubs. They're retired and deserve a life too!

It's your decision but I doubt they would drop you if you reduced your childcare. Even if you only provided childcare for one day per week, or a few weeks during school breaks, it's too valuable (financially) for them to give that up. They must be saving so much money by you doing their childcare for them.

I also doubt your ex-husband's new wife is going to want to do the fulltime childcare for her husband's grandkids that you are doing, whether she has grandkids of her own or not. If she did two days per week and you did three, you would have some time to go visit your son. Your daughters might not like it but they don't own you. They don't own you.

Just say no. Say- that’s great step grandmother can help out. I will only be doing x days from such and such a date.
Be assertive. Tell them what is going to be happening. Don’t ask for their permission. You are being bullied and taken advantage of. You need to get a backbone and stand firm. Good luck.

Yup! Even my own DF (who adores my son) would never agree to watch him for more than a day regularly, because he has his own life and my child is not his responsibility. He is minted as well (and I am definitely not), and would never pay for any of my sons costs or school fees. He spoils my son with gifts on birthdays and Christmases and would happily watch him for a long period of time (for example he's having him for 10 days next year when I go away on holiday) as long as I ask in advance though. OP you need a backbone and your daughters sound entitled and manipulative.