Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

I think a lot of the replies here are quite harsh. Sports and drama at primary school should be about participation and inclusion, not who's the best - at my kids' school generally anyone with enthusiasm is given a go. Similar with awards in assemblies, it's tacitly understood that everyone gets (or should get) recognition at some point for something they've done well.

I think sadly, there are some children who fly under the radar - not dazzlingly brilliant or attention-grabning but also no trouble, not in need of extra support so they tend to get overlooked. My friend has a lovely son like this, who never got recognised or acknowledged for anything throughout his school life despite being hard-working and an all round nice kid. I think you absolutely should speak to the teacher and explain how he's feeling; a good teacher will hold their hands up and acknowledge that this does happen with some children, and make a plan to get your son feeling more included.

Going 'full Welsh' (whatever that means) and demanding anything will make you look like a loon. You need to ask for a meeting and calmly discuss your concerns around your Son and the School. Whilst you may have a very valid point going batshit will not help the situation at all.

Attendance of above 85% isn’t something to celebrate. Above 95% yes.

Does he put his hand up every time? My daughters teacher said that they use it as a way to check understanding. If he is working at greater depth across all areas (as top 25%) then they will be confident his knowledge is secure and may be picking others who they are less sure about. My daughter (top 25% also) reports she is rarely picked in class too.

In terms of school clubs - they are supossed to allocate a portion of free places to those on lower incomes, could that be an option?

How many children are in his year group? How big are the sports teams? Does he do any sports/after school activities that might make him more skilled (and therefore more deserving of being in a team) in these areas?

Go and talk to school calmly yes
See what they can suggest
See what their take on it is

Whilst tackling school, I would also look for clubs to boost his self esteem poor thing.

I know you said money is tight, and apologies if this is just not on the cards at all or I'm being insensitive, but clubs like Scouting will have a hardship fund available, which will apply to any uniform as well as subs.

e.g. in our Group, there are a number of kids who use the groups own uniform - they just return when outgrown and we find the next size up for them. Also any extra activities (like camps) are either subsidised or free depending on circumstance. We just ask the parent/guardian are open with us, and we are obviously discreet with them. I doubt their own kids know they have assistance let alone the others in the group.

Clubs like that (there are others of course) are great at boosting confidence. Somewhere where he can feel valued, and have another potential group of friends away from the school environment - was a life saver for my daughter.

Wow, we had to have meetings about poor attendance if it dropped below 94%. I'm surprised 85% is regarded as acceptable for anyone without underlying issues.

Going in wanting to develop a plan to help school.support your son will achieve more than blasting in all guns blazing.

Private schools rarely give actual bursaries they give shit deals like a discount on fees - they are money making machines mostly.

Your son might need some confidence building and maybe he can develop the skills to thrive.

It's really hard meeting the needs of 32 kids - so many get lost in that - my child was SEN at primary so barely coped at all but Im aware there are kids in the middle who are present in class but quiet and not getting much attention.

My local primary only gives out attendance awards for 100% attendance so I think setting it at 85% seems odd when that level of attendance is cause for concern in my area.

Regarding the not getting picked, in my experience this is part of life unfortunately. My well behaved and bright DD was never given Star of the Week one year and yet another similar child received it multiple times and it was rewarded frequently to badly behaved kids for behaving once. I know it is a load of crap.as a lot of teachers admit that they try and give It to every child over the course of the year but it made my DD question why she should bother trying to do her best. It has resulted in my DD being incredibly cynical in life as a teenager which isn't necessarily a bad thing as she doesn't suffer fool lightly but I think it is a harsh lesson about life that kids learn sooner or later.

Did you not read the OP? Not a simple solution to those short of money. Your post comes across as patronising.

I don’t think stamping your feet about inclusion will cut it. You are entitled to ask your son’s respective teachers (sports, art, drama etc.) where you son needs to be to make the team/grade, any teacher worth their salt will be able to spell out what he needs to do to ‘get there’. I’d focus on constructive effort rather than the knock back, there will be many of those in life, if you are fazed he will be too.

I wonder if your son's class is either large or challenging, or both, and the teacher has their hands full trying to dangle carrots in front of the worst behaving children or trying to appease certain parents who kick up a fuss at any opportunity.

This often means other, quieter, well behaved children slip under the radar because they don't require the attention that others do.

I'm not saying it's right, but I've seen this situation too many times.

Yanbu

favouritism is horrendous at a lot of schools. I remember when mine were small some kids would have 5 or 6 jobs which earned them badges while many had none.

I understand where you're coming from. There was a big thread on here a few months ago talking about how very typical mainstream children who work and behave more or less to the standards expected often fly under the radar and are unrecognised for their efforts. It's really common as most focus tends to go on those who excel and those who don't but are easier to pick out for recognition for doing something well that they ordinarily wouldn't. Children your son's age really pick up on this and it can feel awful to them. And then of course to you as their parent. It's not about them seeking external validation, it's about recognition, which is a very different thing. It's often important to children to know their teacher sees them and gets them. Yes disappointment is a part of life however it's not acceptable for school reward and recognition systems to make children feel this excluded.

I would meet with the school but figure out what you want from them. Recognition for his efforts could be framed as a supportive action given he is now saying he does t want to go to school. What do you want them to recognise? Attendance is probably the worst option as it's not really his effort. But it's also really important that your child does understand that sometimes things aren't fair. My daughter has a really strong sense of this and it can break her heart - but while sometimes I can try to do something about it eg speak to the school when their reward system favours the same children repeatedly to the detriment of others, sometimes I just have to commiserate with her that it feels very unfair, for example not being picked for a sport or team.

Ultimately if the school has a recognition systems, they have to be fair and inclusive and not allow children to slip under the radar just because they already meet expectations. I think that's a fair thing to raise. That he feels excluded in class and in participating in school life are fair things to raise too.

It doesn’t sound great that he isn’t getting recognised for anything at all. Most schools do make sure every child is made to feel a sense of achievement at some time or other.

Often it is helpful to go in and flag it to the school. I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing as schools tend to get on the defensive if you do. It’s better to work with them.

Do either you or your son have ADHD? Just asking because there’s something called RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) that goes along with it, and it can make all of these things hurt a lot more both for children and parents - I know because my DS has it. Working with him re this was as important as flagging with primary school (when he was in primary) that he was feeling a little overlooked.

He’s incredibly good with disappointment compared even to ND peers now, and sees the fun in just having a go even if not picked for things.

If he has a good teacher you should find out what is actually going on in the classroom, but in a calm manner.
i remember in year 6 DS had some confidence issues and his amazing teacher gave him a lead part in the year six production, which he smashed! He’s 21 now and I haven’t forgotten that. She told me she was very insistent he got the part (he did drama out of school and was pretty good).

It’s a harsh lesson but that’s life I’m afraid. You can’t go in all guns blazing. That would come across as very entitled.

This often means other, quieter, well behaved children slip under the radar because they don't require the attention that others do.

This is likely to be the truth of it, having had two very different children at the same school.

Children who were top of the class or had a particular talent(s) or very involved parents on the PTA etc were noticed and rewarded, particularly if they were louder and openly vocal about wanting to "win" - these types would get lots of praise, awards, main parts.

Children who were distracted/a handful but showed some potential - these types would get a noticeable amount of praise, awards etc (not as much as the group above but enough so you noticed and clearly intended to encourage better engagement). My son, later diagnosed with ADHD, was one of these types.

My daughter was close to the top of the class, well behaved but quiet and a bit shy. Totally under the radar. Almost like being invisible. Yet I'd be told every parents evening she's so bright, work is excellent, behaviour excellent. I concluded she was just no trouble so they didn't need to make any effort to keep her happy.

Interestingly, it was quite different at secondary. Son was pushed quite hard to knuckle down, no fluffy enticements like being one of the three kings in the nativity play! Daughter is at selective school and is astounded by the stream of merit marks coming her way as she was used to just quietly getting on with things without fanfare.

"Going full Welsh". Is that the new way to say"Having a Paddy"? If so it's equally unacceptable.

I wondered if the grandmother who said it was Welsh, because that’s the only way it would be acceptable .

I was thinking about bringing this up too but then decided I cba

I have the same two children as you (almost) but it was still my dd who got a lot more recognition at primary.

Secondary seem to appreciate DS’s positives (which he does have!) and enthusiasm for work a lot more.

DD still gets a lot of recognition to be fair.

I would be very careful that you are not encouraging a victim mindset. The things you mention would not normally cause an otherwise happy child to be miserable. It’s completely normal to be fairly invisible in a class of 30 kids. So either you are subconsciously encouraging him to feel bad about this, or he has some other reason to be unhappy.

When my kids were unhappy about these things we’d have a chat about it, but I wouldn’t encourage them to think that how the school behaved was ‘wrong’. It’s just life.

This often means other, quieter, well behaved children slip under the radar because they don't require the attention that others do.

Exactly my experience with my beautifully behaved but average-performing DC at primary school, OP.

Never had work on the walls, never got any recognition for anything he did, mostly just not "seen" by teachers as he was quite quiet.

The good news - at secondary school he IS seen, his strengths recognised, finally. He's still average in academia, music and sport but the difference is notable.

Sorry I mean - even compared to NT peers!!