Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Does he not have a new teacher compared to last year? Seems odd he's having exactly the same issues. Have you actually spoken to the school about it properly and had a meeting as it may be his perception of what is happening (i.e. everyone else getting awards, everyone else making the team) is not accurate.

85% attendance is well below what the government expects, so that sounds unusual. I think you should ask for a meeting with the class teacher and approach it from the aspect that your child is not enjoying school and can they think of why that may be and what they could do to encourage him.

Does he have the same teacher as last year?

I would definitely speak to school. However I would be careful about how you frame it.

You are much more likely to get a positive response if you go in with “My son feels like he isn’t seen in class” than “The teacher ignores my son”.

You can’t really complain about not being picked for teams or starring roles so I wouldn’t mention that. The attendance awards and academic awards, I would be asking what are the criteria for those (even if you know already) and can they explain why your son wasn’t eligible as he is confused.

I would be framing it as your son’s self confidence is really at a low and that is partly because he feels overlooked at school - please can they do whatever they can they do to help with this. Rather than going in all guns blazing. Much more likely to get a good reaction and see some changes IMO.

So he’s in the top 7/8 of the class, is he the only one from that number not to get a award?
Does a lot of the school have time off? 85% attendance is that not about 20 days off? My maths is rubbish so may be off.
sadly in a full class, there will be many like your ds, well behaved, well engaged just never those that are awarded prizes.

Rather than going in all guns blazing I would ask for an appointment with the class teacher to address your actual concern, which is that your previously happy confident son doesnt want to go to school.

Not everyone can be in the sports team, or get a speaking role. It depends on how awards are chosen but I’d assume they would only go to the very top performers - which won’t necessarily include your son.

Explain to the teacher how keen he is to be involved in the school community and ask if she can suggest a way to give him some responsibility or role that doesn’t require you to spend money.

I would also ask about the raised hands/answering questions thing - this could easily just be your child’s perception. Again not everyone can hand raised will be chosen each time but it does sound like he needs his confidence bolstering a bit.

Working in partnership with the school will be much more effective for helping your son.

Best of luck.

I'd definitely raise it but try and have a conversation with them rather than "all guns blazing"

I have something similar at the moment in that when we get weekly updates on what the classes have been up to there are always videos and photos but DD hasn't been on a single one, whereas some kids are always front and centre. We have parent's evening coming up and my intention is to say I've noticed this and how are the photos etc chosen, is it that DD doesn't want to be in them or is there another reason why we've not seen anything of her this year or last

Echoing what other posters have said, I think you need to talk to your DS's teacher about what you can do together to help you DS enjoy school more. A couple of words of caution though. First, you sound pretty angry, talking about 'demanding' and 'complaining'. It's an attitude that won't help the teacher see you (and your son) in a positive light. State schools are not there to provide a consumer service to parents. Second, you haven't yet heard the school's side. Classrooms are complicated. There may be things you don't know.

I’d really calm down before any meeting, enquire calmly.

What is meant by 'going full Welsh'?

At my kids school they have to have 100% attendance to get any awards, or show a big improvement.

I'm going to assume 'going full Welsh' means similar to 'all guns blazing'. If so, like others have said, I wouldn't do that, but request a meeting and make sure you get the truth as a 10 years olds perception can be very different to the actual facts. I feel for you though, it's one of the worse thing in the world seeing your children unhappy especially when there appears to be a fairly reasonable and simple fix.

Honestly I understand that you feel sorry for him but the most sporty kids are chosen for teams and if he is not in top 20 of these, it's unlikely he will get picked. Same goes for the academic side of things , it's often the top 5/10% of kids who get awards in large schools and it doesn't sound like he is this group either . What im trying to say is that it doesn't sound personal to your son just that he's a good average at lots of things but maybe how the best at anything.
I think I'd have a chat with thr teacher and tell her that he's struggling to fibd'his place' and what can she suggest. I don't think demanding he gets an academic award he hasn't earned or a place on a school team wouldn't work and wouldn't really solve the underlying issue.

Having that as the cut-off may be so children with additional needs are included. A reasonable adjustment.

Get him into some clubs outside of school. Football, rugby, cricket, scouts, cadets are all extremely cheap. They would do wonders for his confidence. DS's cadets even do a week away in summer, including food and transport for about £100. Total bargain.

I agree with PP, you should calm down and ask them how your son can be further engaged in school. There is no entitlement to academic prizes unless he is at the top of the class (top 25% isn't usually enough) or to be in sports teams (unless he is exceptionally good) or to get attendance (unless he is at near 100%). There are as others said plenty of children who do well and toddle along - and at 10 that is plenty. I would encourage my child to separate external validation from self-worth. If he is a happy, kind, hard-working, loyal child he will have meaningful friendships and make the best of school, and you should applaud him for that.

Acamedic awards are usually the top 5-10 % of the class unfortunately. If hes above 85 % attendance, they should award him if thats their policy my sons school is 95 % though so are you sure thats correct? It sounds like hes more average, can you speak to the teacher & see if they can find something he is exceptionally good at?

Only 85% attendance is really low, and your DS must be below that if he's not getting an attendance certificate. Why is he missing so much school?

The situation may not be as your son is perceiving it. I would ask for a conversation with the teacher but don't go in all guns blazing.

I think losing your shit at the school and accusing them of ignoring your son based on your son's word only is only going to make you 'that' parent. It would be better to go in and say he's feeling a bit overlooked and is there anything he could be chosen for in the coming term to cheer him up. Also, make light of it with him and focus on other stuff.

Primary schools in particular can be a bit crap with this sort of stuff sometimes. The same names come up time and again. It's just one of those things.

I had this with my daughter, never got picked for anything but luckily it never bothered her because she was so shy and never wanted to be picked, so I never approached the school about it.

But in secondary I actually got so pissed off. She was in 4th year, had her parent teachers meeting. Went in to one subject, the teacher already knew me from my son in 2nd year. He got confused and said it wasn't 2nd years meetings. Told him I knew that, I was there for my daughter, not my son. He actually had the brass neck to argue with me that he didn't have my daughter, didn't recognise her name but definitely knew of my son. She was in her 4th year at the school, 2 ahead of my son, and had this teacher for 2 bloody years.

Is he good at sports though? Children don’t tend to be picked for teams unless they are. Unfortunately I don’t know many schools where they let everyone have a go, regardless of ability.

Sorry , but you need to help your son accept the realities of life. Mine soon had the system sussed. Kids who had been naughty, often given the prizes for the slightest good behaviour, when they, who were always good got nothing. Popular kids, who got picked for everything and loud kids who got all the parts. It was ever so.
My kids knew they were not sporty enough to get in teams, were academically good and have done well in the world of work.
My kids knew they were lucky, had more than average materially and a loving family. They knew kids in care and poverty and even abuse, which was reported. They knew how well off they were and accepted not being the prize winning type. They loved school and had good friends.
The biggest favour you can do your kid is to help your son to know when he is well off and accept how the world works, don’t encourage the poor me mindset

Sorry to sound harsh, but we all have to face life as it is

My DS had issues one year and I requested a meeting with his teacher and positioned the conversation around "I feel we're failing X - how can we work together to resolve it?" Long story short, and worked well. Good luck, OP.

I agree with others, don't go into the school 'guns blazing', that isn't going to achieve anything at all. You need a meeting with the class teacher to discuss the fact your normally happy son, doesn't want to go to school and how can you both resolve this issue. You need to remember that you aren't in class with your son, and therefore you don't see first hand any interactions. These instances that your son has mentioned, may be his perception of the situation, rather than anyone deliberately ignoring your him. Not everyone can be involved in sports teams, having speaking parts in school plays or help out in class. My son's Junior school wouldn't have given out attendance awards for 85%, children had to achieve 100% before they received one. Ask about the awards for different things, what's the criteria. Helping out in class etc, is there a rota? You need to work with the school to find a solution.

Little money+shitty school+genuinely eager child in the top 25% of his class who wants to join societies? I see private school bursary written all over it - don't have a screaming fit at the school teacher, it won't change anything, carefully examine bursary opportunities in nearby schools and apply, apply, apply. You might get lucky, and then tell them why you left, or rather why your son left.

I completely agree that a child who is unhappy at school should get a bit of focused attention to try and resolve that

What I would not do is go in guns blazing.

Does your school have someone responsible for emotional wellbeing? Our primary had a sort of friendship co-ord - part of the SENCo role -

For some reason on mumsnet there is always a very pro-school - schools can't do much wrong vibe - as a SEN parent myself Im used to standing up for my child!

Go in with a collaborative frame of mine, perhaps your child is very shy and quiet.

Its hard not having the money for clubs - have you looked at scouts /cubs type stuff? I don't think it costs much.

This is classic of children who are well behaved and are not falling behind - they go un-noticed . Its not right at all. Please keep fighting for him !

I don’t know any private primary local to us that does bursaries.