Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Well no, no one suggested that, but you can teach him that his self worth doesnt need to be tied to.getting picked for things at school.

You are obviously upset, so speak to the teacher about him feeling unheard and if his attendance was above the threshold for the attendance award and its that important to him then ask about that too.

You should speak to the teacher, but it needs to be from a 'he's losing his confidence and its affecting his desire to come to school' side of things.

Do given them examples.. like things like he's not feeling seen by the teacher, but ask them to do some confidence building things with him.

I understand your upset OP, my own DC1 gets upset if they don’t get a prize or recognised at school and I understand as a parent how hard it is to hear that from your child.

My stance has always been that they don’t need an award from “Mr Headteacher” to be proud of themselves. And that I am proud of them no matter what Mr Headteacher or Ms Teacher do or do not award them from one week to the next. It does not mean they are never disappointed but it also reiterates that awards are not how we always measure personal success or growth.

Sadly in big classes of 30 there is a tendency for teachers to notice: disruptive and badly behaved pupils, extrovert pupils, and the most able/hard working pupils. Perhaps your DS is simply a good, quiet child. They are often overlooked. You might have a quiet informal chat with his teacher without being accusatory, but if you go in criticising it may do more harm than good.
It will be no consolation but at secondary school the first time one of my DCs was really 'recognised' for his ability was the day the GCSE results came out. My other DC kept his head down and did as little work as he could get away with, which also wasn't really noticed and acted upon by many of his teachers.

Surely where your child sits academically in a cohort is down to ability as well as parenting? You may well ‘expect better’ of your own children but there will be amazing parents on this site whose children are never going to be in the top 25% regardless of their expectations.

I used to work in a special school and remember one particular eight year old with the loveliest, most supportive mother who was so severely dyslexic he couldn’t read. His Mum did absolutely everything to help him.

Agree with a PP that most likely explanation of the 85% cut off is an adjustment for kids whose conditions mean they could never have full attendance. If your DS isn't one of those, then it could well be only 100& attendance that gets awarded, which is much more likely the case and has been at all the schools I've come across. I'd check the detail rather than assuming anyone with more than 85% is eligible because if your DS's bugs mean he's not been there 100%, then that's the answer rather than there being a conspiracy to exclude him.

Beyond that, it could well be a matter of good but not outstanding kid flying under the radar which happens a lot when teachers have their hands full with lots of kids. No need to get to the level of furious as it won't be intentional and won't be helpful to get angry with anyone or to add to your DS's perception of it being meaningful. A more concerned word with the teacher saying he's been upset a few times recently about feeling overlooked, plus friendship issues, so if they could bear him in mind for anything coming up - lunch monitor or whatever, doesn't have to be in a show or sports or an award - that'd help his self-esteem. Then see if arranging some playdates would help reverse the friendship drift.

The primary school bursary idea seems a bit far-fetched as even activity club fees are out of reach and 100% bursaries are rarer than ever these days. I don't think this needs to be that drastic anyway. Hopefully a quiet word will sort it.

My kids are in classes of 30 in big schools. Unfortunately they rarely get parts/awards either, despite putting themselves forwards year on year for school council, class rep, recycling ambassador, house captain… the list goes on and on. They get very upset when not chosen, but I think it’s a good opportunity for building resilience and I also understand that they aren’t going to necessarily get picked all the time, there’s just too many other children. In your son’s case, I’d say the majority of kids will be hitting over 85% attendance, so lots of kids eligible for the award. Similarly, without sounding unkind, being in the top 25% of his class is still quite a lot of children. In terms of him not getting chosen for things maybe work on resilience and not reinforcing any negative thinking. In terms of his general happiness at school, I think this is something you can definitely explore with the teacher. I wouldn’t suggest going in and making accusations, but perhaps an initial meeting to try and better understand what’s going on for your son at school? I’m inclined to think that in a busy classroom, the teacher simply doesn’t always notice your son? And then perhaps you are inadvertently reinforcing his negative thoughts about school? I think first port of call is speak to this teacher, and alongside this work on his (and your) resilience

I felt like this about my son. I wrote a measured email to the head and was called in to meet him and thr class teacher. I said I felt because he was “in the middle” he was invisible. They were sympathetic and he “spontaneously” got a heads award a few days later

For me writing it out was a way to take the emotion out of it. I also had a word when he didn’t get a speaking part in the nativity. I even wrote a blog about that!!

She never said that her son has 85% attendance.

No, it's not about telling your son he is worthless. It's about saying that this is the reality of life - it's usually harsh and unfair and people rarely get what they deserve. This is terrible and I can see how this would be demoralising for your son; but school awards are generally worthless. The poster you replied to was right - awards often now seem to be given out in an attempt to encourage better behaviour/attitudes from the worst performing students. Quiet, well behaved students who just get on with things are often overlooked. As for the teacher not calling on him, is he usually the only one willing to answer questions? Does he answer just the question asked or answer what would have been the follow up questions as well? Rightly or wrongly, that has always irritated some teachers.

All you can do is try to instill a sense of self belief and self worth in him. Tell him you believe in him, that you can see how hard he works, that learning is its own reward etc.

She never said he has 85% attendance.

Yes this, scouts is great and cheap. Lots of opportunities for taking responsibility and getting awards. Also trips away. Gives them a friendship group away from school. However from what I remember they can have the same issues re choosing the same kids for everything.

How would you react if your son tried to ask a question, and they just got stared at like they emerged from a spaceship?

Just on this - it's a big deal to your DS, which is why he's described it so you're picturing it that way, but honestly I can easily imagine lots of scenarios where a kid tries to ask something and I might be unable to respond in that moment. The teacher might well not have stared at him like he emerged from a spaceships, but just had a million other things on her mind and had to say/do whatever was the priority. I'm sorry it felt that way to your DS, but it is an over-reaction to read so much into it rather than minimise it to him as not being anything personal etc. God know I go blank at my own kids plenty of times and I've only got two - not 30 who I'm trying to teach all day. Downplay it to your DS and wait to find out the teacher's take on it in a non-confrontational way.

I’d speak to school and keep it factual eg he wasn’t picked for teams etc and explain its making it miserable. Is there a role he could try for or anything he can do to increase chances.
In terms of clubs maybe approach scouting. I know in guiding we have regional grants available and parents in hardship can access these so children don’t miss out.

what exactly did YOU do?

If there's an attendance award (or any award), -as much as I find the attendance anything ridiculous- if the cut off is 85%, and my kid has above 85%, then I contact the school to tell them he was forgotten?

No need to COMPLAIN, just say that little Cat has 92% attendance (or whatever) so he should be included?

Very unusual to get an award for attendance above 85%. Schools are aiming for 96/97% attendance usually and only children who get 100% attendance over the whole year get an award in my DC school. Though each week the class with the highest attendance that week is mentioned in the newsletter (but no award).
Equally for academic achievement, no awards are given but weekly awards are given for effort (not achievement as such). From speaking to other parents this is the norm in most UK state schools - but maybe OP isn’t in the UK?

In a school production such as the Nativity, there may well be 3 speaking parts. If the play is performed by Reception and KS1, that’s at least 90 children. So it would take 10 years for each child to get a speaking part.
No school is going to give awards out for 85% attendance - you might get a warning letter if you’re unlucky. Some schools have a no hands up policy - we do. This means that the teacher will direct questions at specific children, or ask children to write answers on their whiteboards etc. A child with their hand up will be ignored. It’s amazing how many children do put their hand up but then either don’t have an answer, or have one that’s nothing to do with the question. Maybe your Ds is one of these children.
Try having a conversation with his teacher about your concerns. But don’t go in all guns blazing - that won’t do your DS any favours.

I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment

I don't know the system in Wales, but in England after school clubs are free when they are at school. Plenty clubs (football, scouts) only charge a very small yearly fee for insurance etc.., they are run by volunteers. The kits you can buy on vinted for not a lot.

85% will most certainly NOT be the cut off for awards.

It's a shame you've ignored all the good advice in your replies to the thread, and only picked up on those that didn't read it properly.

Are you sitting in the classroom every day with your DS? Or are you the parent who believes everything your Ds says?

On the clubs, contact your local scout branch, they should be able to help him, I volunteered with them and I know they were keen on money not being a barrier to participating. Cadets as well, he may be too young just now but they also have help available.

Good luck with the school!

being in the top 25% of his class is still quite a lot of children

Yes, that's not high flyer but I suppose the OP wants her son to be seen, acknowledged, praised and encouraged. Is he in a class with some time consuming trouble makers or glory hogging genius?
As for attendance, if he's hitting the target for an award he should get one but maybe there's more to it. Find out the details.
I do wonder how much of this is the DC's perception and the teacher would have a different version or more information to judge this by so arrange a meeting and talk it through calmly. Of course, a placatory one -off reward may then be given but I think the OP is looking for a complete change which may not be realistic.

It's dreadfully low! I cannot believe the OP thinks he should be getting an award for attendance if he's below that!

On the contrary, at the schools where I'm a governor, they'd be calling the OP in for a meeting about it.

That sounds really dispiriting for your son, OP.

Is he actively putting himself forward to participate in the extra-curricular activities? I don't think it's always a matter of being 'picked'.

I don't live somewhere where attendance is rewarded. Seems odd to reward this.

My child's teachers have always given out awards for kids each week on various achievements - I think everyone in the class gets a shot though, based on their personal progression, not in comparison to their peers.