Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

That does sound tough, but suspect that many middle of the road kids have similar experiences?

They key - as people are saying- is not to be furious but to contact the school and let them know how this is making him feel? If he has qualified for attendance certificates then he should get one. If the school are aware that he is being constantly overlooked then they may well make an effort to remedy this.

But only if you're calm about it - blazing in and rowing won't solve anything.

The awards go to the top children in their year, it's great he's in the top 25%, but it's like there being a competition and giving the first 25% an award, doesn't happen. Sports teams will also generally have the children who are best at the sport. Not everyone is great at everything, the teacher ignoring him sounds like a genuine concern, or could it just be a lack of confidence where he feels like everyone has it better than him, which it can sometimes feel like.
Sometimes doing well is just about doing well, and not about getting attention for it, I can't recall getting any special awards, even when getting 100% in national exams, tons of kids did.

Teacher here - I would recommend speaking to the teacher. Your child has his perspective however his teacher might be able to clarify things for you. Unfortunately life is unfair. I was that quiet hard working child who often got overlooked. I really try to encourage and praise those children in my class but the reality is, it's our SEN children and children with behavioural problems who make the most demands of our time (unfair for all involved). Building resilience is good. I do have chats with my class about how important it is to be kind, work hard etc not for stickers or rewards but because we want to be good kind people and we are investing in our futures.

How long has this been going on for? And is it with more than one teacher?

Honestly if you are that certain I’d move him schools.

But my concern is that he is being treated like most of the class and for some reason feels like he is being badly done to or knows you feel this way. I’m not sure what grounds you’ll complain on? Or what grounds your previous complaints were on?

Your original post is ambiguous on this point - you refer to him having time off for various bugs, say the cut off for an attendance award is 85% and imply he hasn't received one (are you SURE it's 85%? That's dreadfully low), which led many of us to infer from it that his attendance must therefore be lower than that.

If, however, he has got better attendance than the cut off (and has this been once, or several times?), why on earth haven't you asked the teacher about it?

Injustice like this is very hard to endure especially if it concerns one of your children. He does his best to keep cheerful and to keep trying but finds himself getting knocked back at every turn. So yes, I do think you should advocate for him. His discouragement is too important to let slip.

However you can’t go into school, guns blazing OP.
Sleep on it and make yourself a few notes about the absolute facts that you know to be exact and true eg his attendance % and then a separate list of notes about issues which have come to you from your child which you are unsure about. Bear in mind that children do tend to exaggerate sometimes. Also think about the responses you might expect given there are probably 30 in the class of mixed ability including SEN children.

When you are calm and confident that you have taken all emotion out of it, ask for an appointment.

His teacher really does need to know that he is losing all motivation in spite of his own efforts and your encouragement. Tell her why he is losing motivation. Start with the absolute facts and then mention the other things as a ‘by the way, he also feels knocked back about never getting a part in the play or never making a sport team and he feels ignored all the time when he puts his hand up in class because he is never given a chance to answer. etc etc.

Then finally, ask her if there is a protocol around children asking questions of the teacher. Are they allowed to ask questions? Is there a problem about the way he asks questions eg does he ask too often, do you feel he should already know the answer,…. because he is upset that his questions remain unanswered once he has put them to you, is there a reason for this.
Good luck!

I am surprised they give an award for 85% attendance-that would be a referral to the EWO in most schools. It’s a day and a half off a fortnight.

If you think the teacher is mistreating your child - what is your theory about why? Surely you must have one?

Maybe he is neither bright nor sporty? Being rewarded for school attendance seems bizarre . Find something he IS good at and encourage that.

Are you just taking your son’s word for how the teacher reacts when he asks questions?

85% attendance would not be getting an award at a standard UK primary school it would more likely trigger a visit from an attendance officer. I think something like 95-96% attendance would be seen as normal, with maybe 97% or higher seen as high?
The other stuff.... It all depends. Academic awards, if only say 1 child in the class gets it each term it will take 10 terms, so over 3 years, for everyone in the class to get one? Sometimes it can feel your child is being overlooked and its just that they've been unlucky. Talk to the teacher calmly and just carefully ask what he needs to do to earm some praise as he's feeling overlooked, and reference the various awards/achievements he hasn't had. If hes truly been overlooked (whuch does happen, sometimes 1 teacher assumes a teacher has awarded the pupil in a previous year) this should prompt the teacher to rectify the situation.

Totally relatable and my experience with my son. Totally unnoticed. You keep fighting for him

I'm Welsh, I live in Wales and have done so all my life, and I have no idea what you mean.
Could you explain what you mean, in plain words - either Welsh or English will be fine - please?

I’m guessing complaints about being given parts in plays and teams won’t be well received by the school. I remember at my DCs school, a few years back, there was constant drama about this from many parents fighting for parts and roles in sports teams and nativity’s etc. that the school actually sent letters home to parents addressing the increasing contact as teachers were constantly being distracted from teaching over pettiness. Is your son really good at sports? If not, it’s only fair to give the positions to those who are good. Try and find something he is good at and try get cheap/free classes outside of school.

We had this. It's the sign of a shit school imo. I went the full Welsh northern equivalent! I pointed out the only time my son had been given an achievement award was for not making a fuss when another kid pulled DS's trousers and pants down in full view of everyone. I asked her if she thought sending the message that not making a fuss when you are publicly humiliated and abused was the best way to encourage him in life, or should he perhaps have been praised for his colossal efforts week in week out in art and writing, despite learning difficulties. I still feel anger about how shit his 'lovely local primary' was and so grateful his secondary was the exact opposite and did all in their power to make him feel supported and noticed and capable.

It sounds like a normal situation to me Im afraid .Lots of the middle of the road kids get overlooked .Unless they stand out academically ,or are very sporty they are just another in a long line .Annoyingly ,often the wealthiest DC with access to clubs .private tuition etc ,seem to excel and get picked .By all means go and see the Teacher and see what they say but this is the case a lot I think

My children didn’t tend to get awards either - I remember my daughter at around six years old being devastated she was never asked to take the class toy home after good behaviour. She spent almost three terms trying her best and each week hoping it was her … only to find another child had been given it yet a 2nd or 3rd time to take home. After speaking to the school, I discovered this toy was designed to encourage the not so well behaved children to behave, so they would get it as reward. It can suck being a well behaved child.

But I suspect your own childhood is driving your feelings around this. Not getting awards does not suggest a child is ‘worthless’ and the fact you used such a term suggests to me that’s sadly how you felt growing up. I think you are projecting your childhood emotions onto your son - you mean well - you are worried he will feel worthless like you did. But you are not your parents, and I bet with you as his mum, he feels very loved and special.

With my daughter, I tried to not dwell on the situation when my daughter was upset. Are you saying out loud in front of him how upset and disappointed you are for him when he tells you this stuff? I explained to my kids when they were very young that lots of these awards were to encourage other kids positive behaviours and it was not a reflection on them they didn’t get them. There’s just a lot of kids in their classes. In my daughter’s situation, I ended up buying a similar toy and told her this is like the class toy, but it’s better as you get to keep it.

I have a friend whose son almost certainly has ADHD and he is convinced he is uniquely hard done by in the classroom...but the weird thing is that his mum takes his opinion as read.
I tell my kids that the reason they don't get the fidget toys/movement breaks etc is because they don't need them...and they are fine with that

I am very much NOT in favour of just teaching children that 'that's life'. That shouldn't be 'life' and it especially shouldn't be for a child. They are the ones who are coming up next with the opportunity to make things better and more fair for the children behind them. With guidance they can take how that felt and turn it into something positive.

Competing in a team tournament for one trophy? Fine, not everyone can win. But they can still win and lose fairly. Being invisible for no particular reason in an environment where children are compelled to be and often have to abide by specific school values that they are never recognised or celebrated for? Not fine.

Is it one teacher or whole school/couple?

I've had it with DD1 and wanting to do school play - she audition but teacher running it had taught her a few years eariler and have a very strong view of it not being DD1 thing. She found alternative ways into performing - with class teacher assemblies and then joining the choir. When we moves schools at 10 she got lead part in the school christmas play.

I do agree with PP - going in with he's feel invisible and starting not to want to come in - and ask polite questions about why he's not got attendance awards. It may make no difference - didn't always with my kids - but it might.

Has there been awards that your son should definitely have got that he hasn’t? If so did you go in and ask why?

You say your son is ignored in class, and when asking questions is ignored and stared at, who has told you this? Just your son?

You have been in previously, what was said when you asked? Did the teacher agree with your son’s version of what happens in class.

Does your son have a different a teacher from last year?

How is your son’s behaviour? Does he have friends? Does he socialise outside school with other kids from his class?

He isnt below that as OP has already explained numerous times.

I have three children who have gone through the UK school system. I really don’t think your son’s experience is different than 80% of children at school. The top 10% will get recognised for over achieving or making sports teams. The bottom 10% will get extra attention to help them reach their full potential. The other 80% generally coast along nicely (my three children included).

It would be amazing if all children got lots of attention/recognition/certificates/extra help/etc but with one overstretched Teacher and 30 kids (many with additional needs) then there just isn’t enough time or resources to make each child feel special. It’s a shame, but it is what it is.

It is our job at home to make our children feel special, teach them resilience, praise them for successes, encourage them to try sports clubs out of school.

I would double check about your son not having his questions answered by the teacher, are you sure that it is how he describes. Regarding the awards, it sounds like your son is well behaved and doing well and so isn’t being chosen for awards that are perhaps designed to encourage kids who need the extra encouragement.

Similar happened in my child's school but was never communicated to the children and I think this is part of the problem. They're capable of understanding but they're never treated that way - so the message they end up getting is that nothing they do is good enough, which in turn demotivates them. I'll always remember asking my daughter when she perceived this unfairness if it made her feel like she wanted to try harder - this was at the beginning when I didn't really know how to deal with it and was trying to guage the impact on her - and she said I do try hard, every day. It was a bloody sin and tore my heart out as her mum. I think we've struck a good balance between resolving to challenge unfairness when we can but accepting that sometimes there isn't really anything we can do about it. We definitely can't just keep saying to children 'life isn't fair', what an utterly shit message to hammer into a child's mind.