Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Exactly. An academic track record, at primary school level especially, is going to be a factor in how your child does in the future but only one of many.

Some kids are doing brilliantly at primary school level because they have helicopter parents on them 24/7 rather than any real innate abilities. That strategy slowly becomes less and less effective, until it no longer works at all.

Let your child develop at his own speed and take pride at what he does, because he's your son! I sense that your child might be socially awkward/not that popular and you are struggling to come to terms with that.

I was socially awkward, wasn't that incredible (I even had parents who worried I was "slow" at learning). By the time I was in the middle of secondary school I was mostly top of my class and graduated from one of the top unis in the UK. Even then, I have a good career but have hardly achieved that much so wouldn't necessarily say that how well I did eventually is that relevant. I have plenty of friends who did just as well, if not better than me academically, yet have never managed to keep a decent job, while very academically-mediocre friends have achieved amazing things professionally.

You don't need a stupid award to be proud of yourself.

I think you're right to be worried, but I don't think getting angry is likely to be effective. Can you make an appointment with the deputy head and explain what is happening with your previously happy son? You need to talk with a staff member who can take a broader view, just in case this is a staff problem.

If the position is that all children with above 85% attendance receive an award (which I would think would be a huge number of children) and your child had that level of attendance but didn’t receive an award then I would say you should ask the school why not.

DS2 was given plenty of awards in primary but was never given a part in any play despite them saying every year that they wanted him to get more involved and speak more. It really hurt. In Y6 they went to the local theatre to show their production and more than 75% of the children did something even if it was jumping and dancing for a few seconds. Even for that he was not good enough. Find the right member of SLT to gently mention this. If participation and awards are not important then why are they given?

By 'eck this kicked off didn't it!

OP, I'm highly saddened by your phrase that sometimes teachers lie better than children, but can understand why you may think this.

I do not know your child or their school, I cannot speak on their behalf but I can speak from my own experience.

I had a kid say I was lying and accused me of saying things I did not when I was teaching. On reflection, now I have a child, I take a kinder approach and see it could easily be that kid saying what they've understood from a situation, which is not the same as was said.

Misunderstandings happen and being a parent who goes in all guns blazing can do irreparable harm to the parent-teacher relationship. However, as a teacher it can give an insight into the parent-child relationship.

I am not suggesting this is you at all, but the pupil who lied about me came from a very odd family dynamic and was constantly looking for ways to win their approval and attention. He did something he shouldn't have, was potentially in a lot of trouble at home, so said I had said something that took the heat off him. I felt sorry for him after meeting his parents and was a lot clearer with how I spoke to him after that. We ended up with a great working relationship and I never had a problem with him again - even though he wasn't always the best behaved!

You clearly care deeply about your child and his wellbeing at home and school and this is the side you should be showing the school.

You've been given great advice here already about working with the school, asking about awards and sports team criteria, questioning calmly about Q&A techniques within lesson time etc.

I suggest you write down your questions so you can keep track of what you have and haven't asked.

Good luck, please keep an open mind on what is happening and do keep us updated on how it goes.

In my experience some teachers do ignore certain types of children - basically the less priviliged/able. At my elder daughter's junior school in year 6 there was an end of year play and none of the kids from social housing / with sen got a speaking part. They had been treated like that all through the school. My daughter has sen but is articulate and has real stage presence and was always given good parts at both her infant and secondary schools but this school had a different attitude. And they would not budge. I moved my younger daughter to a different junior school when it was her turn to move up because of this.

You can't assume thst all schools and teachers are being fair and reasonable.

How would the teachers even know who lived in social housing?

The only social housing was opposite the school. This was a school full of kids from pretty well off families. The catchment area was tiny and apart from the flats opposite, was all owner occupied or expensive rentals.

IME, there is always a unconscious bias. It may not be intentional as such but expectations are lower of children from lower achieving families. A child of a doctor or solicitor will have higher expectations made of them than children of Tesco shelf stacker or carer.

It happened when I was a kid and happened to my kids.

And how did they know parents hadn't bought ex council property there. Or privately renting. Do the teachers actually have addresses of all kids as a matter of course in the classroom

I think you know what I mean about teachers profiling kids and not giving them rewards. The housing i am talking about was actually flats used by social services to house single mums. No one was buying flats there.

85% attendance is very poor, and frankly, worrying. And top 25% is nothing really; so what? I'd pay more attention to you if his attendance was 98-100% and he was in the top 5%. His attendance is poor. His achievement is average to good. Awards are for outstanding achievement, not for merely turning-up most of the time.

Awards are for outstanding achievement, not for merely turning-up most of the time.

If you can't find something to publicly praise each kid in your class for at least twice a year, you shouldn't be teaching. Yes, there's a huge workload, but it's not hard to come up with rewards that can be accessed by everyone, that's basic classroom management. Primary school is about feeling like you can achieve anything, only rewarding top achievers is unnecessary and cruel.

Attendance awards are bizarre, our primary school was 100% award. Secondary is 97.4%
Academic awards usually go to the top in each subject.
There's always a good kid who is good but not great at academic, spirt, music, art etc. It's great to be an all rounder, you just need to build his self esteem other ways.

17/11

Hi,
Suggest you ask for a meeting with the class teacher asap and take someone along for support. Share your observations of the changes you see in your son and ask the teacher for his/ her views.
Then you need a plan - a book of achievements/ things I am proud of (at least two per day) which the teacher will write with your son and send home for you to talk through. The idea is this will build a more hopeful outlook, reassure you and help the teacher realise she has a hardworking boy here who wants to do well in school and a supportive parent.
Good luck!

He's one child out of 30, some of whom probably have far bigger problems. I don't think you should expect too much - the teacher will already be under a lot of pressure. Just draw the problem to her attention and then she's likely to bear him in mind when giving out roles in the school play. etc. It's really up to you to help with self esteem issues outside of school.

Oof, that's a bit generalised!

My kid is the kid of two teachers, we own our own house, she's funny and articulate.

At Primary she wasn't top of the class, exceptionally sporty or have a great singing voice.

Funnily enough she didn't get picked for key roles in the school play or the sports team (in a small city, even at Primary, there is kudos in your school winning competitions) or get the academic awards. She did get some 'good attitude' type awards though.

However, the kid from the estate who lived in social housing but was awesome at sport did get picked, as did the kid who could sing really well.

The kid in the nice house who played every sport under the sun, had all the music lessons and had really pushy parents also got picked a lot - but she also used to put her hand up and bang the underneath of the table to get the teacher's attention in lessons, so she didn't get called on to answer quite so much 😄

If you want to find bias, you'll find it wherever you look.

OP I sympathise with you and can't believe the horrible, arsey, know-it-all comments on this post from people who haven't even bothered to read your post properly. You can guarantee these are the cliquey mums at the school gate making snide comments about the other mums outside their group.
It's tough in school, for the teachers as well as the kids. Make an appointment to see the teacher in question or head of year (or both). Go in with confidence, dress smart, stay calm and have your questions written down. Do not be confrontational but explain your concerns and how your son's self confidence is dropping. Ask them for help to improve his situation. I'm Welsh and I can assure you going full Welsh isn't going to help - it might even get you arrested 🙈! xx

Sadly (as you've read in the many many illiterate folk answering you) the "people" on mumsnet you are asking for advice from aren't capable of both reading, understanding AND giving advice.
They are essentially dumbasses that generally can't be bothered with their own kids/husband/family life. So according to them everyone is a whinge, teachers are saints (😂) and women are scum. On MUMsnet 😂😂😂 should be called mysoginistic mums instead. Lmfao. No martyr quite like a self righteous mumsnet twat.
Of course you should request another appointment at the school- why is a teacher staring at your son when he asks a question then ignoring the question and moving on? If what he says is happening as he describes- his own teacher is bullying him. I would already have popped a teeny tiny camera on him (less than £20 on amazon) then I'd be watching to see if he is maybe being anxious/paranoid or if indeed he is being targeted. I wouldn't be messing with "hearing" out the teacher - adults are some of the most horrific disturbing liars I've met. Sometimes when you are "that" parent (in their pathetic opinion) they target your kid even more.
If you prefer to accept what your son is saying as 100% (I personally believe him) I'd just move forward with a meeting with headteacher to start getting to the bottom of it all. Fingers crossed he gets a normal teacher next year. Feel terrible for him some kids and a lot of adults are sacks of shit. If the current teacher is as thick as two short planks to understand how to treat a child in their class you could request hes moved as well. But no guarantee the next one is any better.

Good luck to you and your sons doing amazing trying to engage and be part of the community - well done him!!