Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

It's not really possible for every other kid to be picked for these special tasks or speaking roles, is it? Your son may feel sad for not being chosen, but everytime 1 person is chosen there will be 20 odd children not chosen.

Also shocked that school are giving rewards for 85% attendance, that's very low!
I'd just explain to his teacher that he isn't feeling very seen. Don't go in furious or guns blazing, it will get you absolutely nowhere.

Not unreasonable. Sounds exactly like my eldest. Never got any special mentions despite consistently doing the right thing. He was just quiet. He moved to secondary school, and it’s like night and day. Despite being twice as big as his primary, they learnt his name, give positive feedback and seem genuinely interested in him. Sadly you can’t change school culture.

You should be ashamed of that behaviour

You sound deranged.
You should be banned from the school.
Paranoid.

@ThisMerryCat OP, I had 98% attendance in high school, along with most of my peers, and there was no fanfare, back slapping, and cheers.

Doing what is expected of you is not a cause for celebration.

By all means sit down with the school and see what can be done to improve his motivation and learning outcomes.

This was happening to my son… we moved schools and now he’s thriving.

Try looking at the whole picture too. You say you have very little money - could that situation be making your son unhappy? Maybe in general he isnt liking that winters come along and he cant play outside as much. Maybe his mates in sports teams were always going to drift off and its not the schools fault or problem your son wasnt good enough to be picked.

I'd be seriously surprised if a teacher ignoring him a bit is causing "psychological damage" for heavens sake.

Also jumping up everyones crack for misunderstanding your very unclear comment about 85% attendance, just makes me think you9re on a war path in general. There's been plenty of good suggestions on here and your only interested in being argumentative with the minority of posters.

As I’ve said earlier on the thread I have sympathy with the OP and her son but this is an example of how not to approach the school!

Maybe invite a school friend around for tea and build up his friendship group in school as this will help his self esteem and confidence too .

My kids primary school had an issue someone else touched on in that the weekly awards etc were often given out when the more ‘challenging’ kids were given them for doing anything that was a slight improvement. I explained this to my kid but was still sad for them as from their point of view they were trying really hard and not being recognised. I did talk to the school about it and framed it as countless people suggested - I wasn’t angry or anything about it and said I understood why it was happening and that it was important for those other kids to get recognition but told them how it impacted mine and they hadn’t really thought about that aspect. They ended up tackling it and it made a big difference.

I have queried things too before as my kids recollection or account of something can be skewed by their feelings or what they think I’d want to hear and the truth wasn’t always the exact same. I don’t think it’s intentional or malicious, just how their developing brains work at that age.

And I agree - a happy collaborative relationship with schools (where possible) is much more productive than an us vs them outlook

85% is very low normally would mean a visit from welfare to see why they are off so often, ours only get prizes for 100% and that is a school attendance wrist band.
Not being picked for teams just means others are better, which happens in life.
Top 25% of the class means nothing if those in his class are low achievers.
No speaking roles would mean that there are others that are better.
You need to book an appointment at the school to see exactly what is going on, ad doesn’t sound like the information you have is correct.

This comment right here from you is the problem. You are projecting your issues onto him. If you didn't make a big deal about it neither would he.

Private school bursaries are very thin on the ground since the VAT saga and at best were often only 5-10% so I’m not sure that’s very helpful just to be able to tell the existing school that the op is moving her son
Op go and have a proactive meeting and discuss how the school and home can work together to boost his confidence.

Look at activities outside of school too, I too would support cadets if some sort as they often have excellent opportunities at low cost.
sadly school sports teams are often full of kids who do the sport outside of school and have a lot more experience and skill already unless he’s got a particular talent.

Look, this person thinks I should neglect my son's emotional needs, like the school. Glad I'm not your child!

This is excellent advice.

It is in the valley I come from.

You are neglecting his emotional needs by making such a big deal about this. He is picking it up from you. He is obviously not good enough academically or athletically for awards in those areas. You should be helping him feel confident about himself rather than raging against the school in this unhinged manner.

I've read the whole post. 85%attendance is an unusually low benchmark, which speaks volumes about the school's overall standards. OP you seem to be enraged by everything, not least that you didn't get even 85% approval on here to "go full Welsh".
It seems as though it may be that YOU are disappointed that your son hasn't received any awards, and maybe he feels your disappointment and that is what is affecting him, you making him feel "less than".
Academic awards usually go to those who are in the top 2%, or who have done something exceptionally well, not those who are merely in the top 25%. You avoid saying what percentage your son's attendance actually is, just that it's good. In my daughter's school, only those with 100% attendance get an award, and 95% is the school target.
I feel you have worked yourself up over this, and do not want to change the narrative with your son by encouraging him in other ways. You are teaching him entitlement, which won't get him far in the real world. Take a deep breath, calm down, stop making spurious claims that the lack of academic or sporting recognition is affecting your son's mental health, and talk calmly to the teacher to see if he/she is REALLY just staring at him. Do other kids corroborate this version, or is it solely your son's perception? Tbh, it doesn't sound very likely; most teachers who want to ignore kids (usually those who are always demanding attention) would simply look the other way and move on.

Wow, I thought you said you didn’t want to be like your parents and make him think he was worthless.

He doesn’t need to have something figured out yet that he’s amazing at. Just let him know you believe in him and notice the things you like about him.

Loads of kids have unremarkable school careers. My kids never won anything. But they had resilience. I didn’t take that sort of thing seriously and so neither did they. They are having very successful post-school lives.

Currently you are training him to be a resentful victim, by endorsing this narrative that he is persecuted. I doubt he is any more persecuted than the next child. Unless the bitterness has built up in him and he has started being unpleasant to people.

Even if he is being persecuted, the only way he can change that is by changing his own atttude. Either by becoming nicer, if he’s being horrible, or by not letting the haters get to him, if he’s actually doing nothing wrong. If he knows you believe him in regardless of what’s happening at school, that will help his confidence.

You can’t force people to cherish your child, you have to build up your child’s self-belief. Cherish him yourself and stop fixating on this school stuff.

Exactly this. My son is on the Ds in sport at school. He didn't win any awards at the big assembly but did get a smaller one awarded outside the assembly for most improved in creative writing. He is happy as a clam to go to school and loves it. He was thrilled for his friends who won awards and it motivated him to work harder. I think it isn't about awards but the culture of the school that recognizes you are still a person of value regardless of awards.

But why? Oh congratulations you didn't get sick. These awards have never made any sense to me in primary. It's not like the kids are out on a bender and ditching school. It's largely out of the children's control and incentives sending children to school when sick which then impacts the children who don't recover as quickly. I have asthma and a cold that may resolve in 5 days for a colleague will have me ill for months with a chest infection.

Yes I've never forgotten this at school. Know the answer , put hand up to be ignored by the teacher who then picks on one of the kids at the back who hasn't got a clue and wasted time while they umm and ahh

Well aren’t you a pleasure.