Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

With respect this is the perspective of a young boy who already feels overlooked. I'm sure the teacher isn't deliberately ignoring him. The awards , teams and parts etc have already been discussed by PPs but ultimately they will go to the sportiest, brightest etc.

Speak to the school but frame it around you being concerned about his drop in motivation and engagement with school because he doesn't feel seen, rather than allegations of mistreatment..

Talk to the teacher.

But he has to become more resilient.

If this is affecting him this much then it's a poor indication for his future mental health.

If the teachers are too overloaded to administer a recognition system fairly then they shouldn't have the recognition system.

I’d calm right down if I were you. Sorry to be blunt but:
85% attendance…what’s the award for? 85% isn’t remotely close to almost perfect as you keep quoting. “Almost perfect except when he’s off”, I almost won the lottery except for the numbers I got wrong. Never heard of a school giving awards for 85%.
Sports teams…maybe he’s not good enough, that’s life sometimes.
Academic awards…possibly some sympathy but it depends how the school awards them, if it’s the “best” (highest) achievement he’s nowhere near from what you’ve said, if it’s for the “best” (effort, improvement) then it’s hard to judge.

None of this means he’s worthless but kids getting awards for so much these days teaches them nothing.

As for the teacher staring, ignoring him etc. Yet another post accepting as gospel what a child says, choose your words carefully.

So firstly attendance awards are considered bad practice and I am always surprised to hear so many schools still do these. There are so many reasons children are absent, not only illness and can be for reasons outside of the child's control, so they are no longer seen as beneficial for anyone, so I would ignore this to begin with.

All of your other points need to be broken down. Is it just the last two years you feel he has been ignored or throughout the whole time at school? As shouting at the current teacher if you feel this is an ongoing issue is not going to help.

Have you actually spoken to your son about the sports clubs and assemblies? In year 4 upwards children audition in my school for plays. So if you son doesn't actually try out for anything, this might be why he isn't getting a speaking part (this is my daughter who doesn't want to give up her lunch break so is happy enough to be in the background).
Regarding sports clubs when do they happen? The sports teams at my kids school play after school, again if your son doesn't go to the weekly training he won't be picked for the team as they won't know he can play well enough. Yes schools should be inclusive but sadly for matches they do want the best players. I would check you haven't missed information about what he could be doing outside school, as while it is tempting to blame the teacher, the older they get the more they need to remember to actually tell you about.

In the classroom maybe the teacher has a no hands up rule. If your son is top of the class the teacher won't want them answering every time as it makes other children reliant on those who will always give an answer (and they know will get it right) and they will want to check other children do understand verbally before doing any written work. My son is a bit like this and came home saying that his teacher told the class that someone other than him needed to answer as he was the only one putting his hand up every time (he is genuinely bright, but I can see this being really annoying in the class).

I would think carefully how you word things with the teacher and try to avoid being confrontational.

The OP has explained MULTIPLE TIMES that he doesn't have 85% attendance.

And I've gone on to reply to her on that, as her original post is ambiguous on that issue.

Why is the school giving out awards for attendance that's below the nationally recognised acceptable minimum?!

Growing up, my school only had prizes for 100% attendance. Things must be bad these days if the school cut off for a prize is only 85%.

OP I am all for teaching resilience but in this case, I don’t see the downside of a quiet word with the teacher. Eg James is keen to be part of the sports teams, always happy to help if you need volunteers to get equipment etc; have you any suggestions on what he could do to get a bit more involved in things. That’s probably what I’d do. See what the teacher has to say.

I'm gonna be blunt but I am not being nasty, op

You say you dont have a lot of money. Is this affecting his appearance? Are his clothes unkempt or does he look scruffy?

I was the poor kid in my class and it showed. Teachers would ignore me or make nasty comments about my appearance. I was very depressed.

Again, I am not being cruel, but appearances matter (they shouldn't but they do) and if this is the case, maybe you could save some money and improve his appearance - new uniform, hair cut etc.

Can you get a payment plan together for one of the after school clubs?

I must sound superficial but people are superficial and your kids appearance affects the way that teachers will treat them.

Best of luck, yanbu at all, no child deserves to feel like he doesnt matter. xx

Retired primary school teacher here, 44 years experience. I've read your post and the many replies.
Please go in calmly and with an open mind.
Let the teacher speak & stress that you want the best for your child and ask what can you do and then what can the school do to help him.
I hope you resolve the matter, it's dreadfully upsetting for you as a parent and your child.

I agree with those who say go in and explain how worried you are and you feel you and they are failing him.

I definitely wouldn’t move to a private school because schools are pretty much all the same in my experience. I’ve experienced it from both sides and as painful as it is to see, I don’t think it will really change. Most teachers are too busy to notice

Quite honestly he sounds like an average child. Your 85% remark is not clear at all, hence why posters are making a mistake about it. What you describe is a normal classroom and school situation to me. He’s not good enough for the sports teams, not good enough for plays etc. I would focus on school just being a necessity and work on things at home with him, build his character outside of school.

The awards for academics usually are given to the child who is top in that subject, not the top 25%. The sports teams are picked based on those who are the most skilled at the sport. Your best bet would be to get him to really study the subjects he wants to get awards for and find some local sports teams to join to get more practice.

Honestly I know it sucks, I tended to be in the top two or three of most classes but didn’t get awards because I wasn’t the very top but with hind site I can see I didn’t study as hard as the people who consistently got top. I didn’t get all the parts I wanted in drama, made the sports teams (we were rubbish) but didn’t get the position I wanted and we lost 90% of our matches. School is hard, it is full of disappointments. What I did do and I would suggest doing is to sign up to as many extra curriculars and participate in as much student life as much we he can, volunteer for student papers, projects etc… there must be some free or cheap clubs at school or in the local area. If there are open days volunteer to help out. Teach him that it is not the winning or the medals but taking part, enjoying things, learning and making friends.

Is he a particularly quiet or shy child? I would talk to the teacher about the fact he isn’t always heard and maybe look at some youtube videos or read up a bit at assertiveness. If all kids above 85% get attendance awards and he did not I would definitely raise it with the school. Some teachers, unfortunately, are just jerks - they are in the minority though and most are there because they really like kids and want to help them achieve their potential.

I am going to hazard a guess you are more upset about these things than your son. Kindly our language is giving the perception of you being highly strung, snippy responses to people and talking about going in to demand and being furious. It won't help either of you.
What did the school say when you complained before? Some of your issues ie being picked to collect equipment seem a bit of a non issue. I'm also not sure re attendance awards I hate them but surely they go to people with the best attendance in the class? Unless this is a school with significant issues all children will likely have over 85% attendance. I am a teacher and apart from very rare specific cases cannot remember anyone having below this

Unfortunately this is typical of some schools. Our experience was very much that the sports/drama leads picked her favourites for any events / school team and teachers leaned towards the ones whose parents they had friendships with who were academically talented.

if your child feels hes been unfavourably overlooked at something he should be obvious choice for, tell him to speak up.

i had one child who is amazing at golf and was overlooked for the only golf event of
the year over kids who had never picked up a club and my other child has similar for football but he confronted the sports lead by saying “Im playing for a high level team, I have a good attitude in school, I’m never off ill and I help the little ones at playtime but you have picked kids who don't even play and are always in trouble. Its really unfair”
the sports leader spoke to me after and said he was very mature with the way he approached her and for that reason she picked him for everything she knew he was interested in going forward.

The sports teams are picked based on those who are the most skilled at the sport.

They will be at secondary and can be at primary - but sometimes they're not - most at DC primary schools weren't in fact when they rarely did matches with other schools sometimes kids who couldn't do outside clubs got in over better players who played outside school.

If he's Y6 - I'd be inclinded go in and calmly try with school - hope it improves but if not focused on secondary coming up. If he's Y5 and it was like this last year and he's another year to go - I'd go in and try and change things and if nothing changes see if in-year transfer is possible to another school.

Outside groups are helpful when school has blips or starts to go poorly though I do get the cost aspects - three kids one group each and swimming lessons it was bloody tough and that was before covid.

Oh for love of goodness. The teacher isn't mistreating him. You are being massively unreasonable. If your that unhappy move schools

Your response totally out of proportion to poster.
They didnt say anything about telling your son he is worthless.

Its about managing expectations, explaining only certain number children can be chosen for x,y,z. Yes he will be sad but he is doing well at school and should be proud of himself as you are of him.

Teaching him to not judge his self worth by other people.

Have you actually seen this happen? As other posters have said, this cohld just be your child’s perception. Clearly he has self esteem issues and you should go in with the attitude that you want to work with the school to support him. It is highly unlikely the teacher is deliberately ignoring your child or staring him down when he speaks. Perhaps he is calling out when he shouldn’t be.

As for attendance awards, many schools do a weekly lottery type draw so it is completely random as to which children with high attendance might get a prize. If all children with high attendance get a prize, you would not be unreasonable to polite make staff aware he hasn’t been given an award.

It’s astonishing the amount of people who feel entitied to give their very opinionated views without reading the damn thread. Drives me insane 😡

Bits of this sound rather made up to me.

Do you genuinely think that a teacher is actively
mistreating your child? That would be quite unusual - and at 10 likely to be remarked on by other children.

Have you made discreet inquiries of friends who have children in the same class?

You really don’t know what is happening until you speak to the teacher - I’m not suggesting that your DS is lying but children often don’t have the whole picture.

You won’t be able to have a productive meeting with the school with this level of anger. You need to try to work with them if you really want to benefit your son.

If teachers are leaving because they don't want to support a 10 year old who is in tears after school regularly - they should leave they are in the wrong job.

I know plenty of teachers and all of them would absolutely want to know and help this child however.

This was dd2. She was seemingly oblivious to it so I didn’t make a song and dance about it. She didn’t really like the attention of getting up in assembly either.

She’s absolutely flying at secondary (y10) but still isn’t remotely bothered about rewards due to the embarrassment factor. Her blazer is full of reward badges but I only find out about them when I empty her pockets to wash it.

Op this will cease to matter eventually. His future won’t be decided on primary school rewards. If he’s upset, then maybe ask, but if not, gently, leave it.