Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Regarding outside clubs, must decent clubs will have a discretionary fund, so if you’re unable to pay, then you may be able to get a discounted or free rate. Another way of getting free or reduced fees is to be a parent volunteer at that club.

How crap is this school that over 85% attendance gets an award. 95% is the national target. Mine have always had between 95-99% and neither have ever gotten an attendance award.

I think yabu.

Twenty days off is likely the cut-off for involving social services, not something to aspire to. My school gives attendance awards to students who haven't missed a single day.

Why should he get awards if he's in the top QUARTER.

Focus on building his confidence and gaining satisfaction from trying his best instead of moaning that he's not getting the same attention as everyone else (how could you possibly be sure of this?)

I think you should go to the school and calmly and politely tell them that your son is feeling demotivated because he is trying hard in various areas, but feels that he is missing out on rewards, and could they please tell you if there was anything he should be doing differently.
If there is clear criteria for the award, like 85% attendance, then it's fine to (calmly) correct their error. But otherwise, you're listening, not complaining.
Tell them his ambitions about sports teams and whether he could do anything to improve his chances.Tell them he'd like to be chosen for errands on occasion.
However, be prepared to hear things you may not expect or agree with. And if you do, keep your temper and go home and think and talk to DS before you respond.
Lastly, I think its helpful to explain to DS that awards are not for everyone. They are there to recognise particular excellence, and the majority of us are not particularly excellent.
Trying our best is good enough and the real reward will be a better future.

Outside clubs would definitely be a confidence booster and help him make new friends. Many are a £1 subs a week such as scouts and boys brigade. We live in quite a poor area so we also have kids clubs at our local community centre followed by a supper club ( £1.50 for more activities and a 2 course dinner) we have a local music group where kids can use free instruments and tuition is free, we also have a free bike club ( bikes and helmets are provided). Cadets is another good option I know most about Sea Cadets ( junior section from age 10) and the uniforms are provided free of charge, full bursaries are available for big trips and boating, first aid and other activities are completely free, subs only £1 and not a problem if the family couldn’t afford that.
Please check out options local to you there will be some low cost / free ones out there, your son needs to find somewhere he can shine.

85% attendance...top 25%... I expect better from my children.

Parent more. Complain less.

I disagree with other comments. I think for a school to be inclusive, they need to recognise each child as an individual and celebrate them in some capacity. That doesn’t mean rewarding where it’s not earned, but it does mean when awards or teams are being sorted, teachers having a discussion and saying ‘oh look Hermione has been picked for every team and given every award but Bob got nothing. Bob’s really good at Herbology, maybe not as good as Hermione, but let’s recognise him on this one’.

I think it’s your right to ask school firmly to make sure each child is recognised and rewarded for their achievements.

85% attendance cannot be right, that is severely low.

Minimum before getting in trouble here is 97% anything below 90% without very good reason (like long hospital stays) would initiate child welfare investigations.

Awards are normally done on a rotation basis, every kid gets one as they work through the list. Honestly often theres no pomp or circumstance just a list of the 'winners' names at the bottom of the newsletter with a photo (some kids even miss the photo). Most awards don't even have a certificate, they 'might' get a sticker and they really aren't made a big deal of. Are you sure hes never ever getting acknowledged or could you be missing it?

Most kids do not get speaking rolls in the play either, around 2/3rd are just singing songs normally and its often based on not just behavior but want and ability too. Many kids simply don't want to stand up and public speak and some really just aren't public speakers types (shy/quiet/nervous, forgetful under pressure, can't project voice etc...). The same kids always get picked to play the big roles because they are good on stage under pressure. Ever seen a kid get up on stage and the panic and breakdown in front of everyone, its not nice. Not every child should be put under that pressure for the 'equality' of everyone get a big role once.

Is your child quite shy, meek, quiet? All traits that usually make kids likeable to adults and quite easy to handle but that also might also explain these issues. Instead of the teacher 'outright ignoring' him could it be that she didn't hearing him because hes not being loud and clear because its not at all in the teacher interest to ignore a child asking for clarification. My kids do that often, they mumble a question as if they are talking to the floor then when asked to repeat they go shy and shut down and leaving adults staring at them trying to figure out what it is they actually wanted. My oldest is 17 and STILL bloody does it, my dream is one day he will enunciate his question clearly, my younger two do the same though (as do my 2 young cousins as well).

This sounds dreadful, you must be so worried from him. I would book an appointment with the head and have a frank discussion. When my two were little, every child in the class had the opportunity to "win" something, get a certificate for something or be include in a team, exactly to counter what your child is experiencing. However, a health visitor told me, before my son went to school, that some primaries are so stretched that the ones in the top percentage often get ignored because they are perceived as not needing help so they get ignored or bored. Fortunately, our experience was the opposite but if your DS is that unhappy the school certainly should be addressing your concerns.

Sadly the stats you quote may be the reason he isn’t picked for the things he wants, sports or academics. The being eligible over 85 percent is low and probably to allow for children who have additional needs, where they have to have time off, it isn’t the bar for other kids to get an award.

i also have no idea what going welsh is, but I would make an appt and ask what he needs to achieve to get these things, and how to help him achieve that.

I feel sad for him. If it is really important to him to be picked for stuff. And for some kids it’s not, then why has no one worked with him to help him understand why he isn’t picked and how he can get there. Even your own post shows you yourself don’t have full knowledge of the requirements.

Yeah my kids school doesn't do awards for any attendance, but they'll send a message to me if they reach 100% in a term.

I work in a high school. I’m really sorry, but attendance should be 95% or above.

Another post which explains why teachers are leaving in droves. I agree with the poster who talked about life lessons, the best thing you can do is teach your son to be resilient, the world of work does not respond to fairness. And 85% attendance is not great unless serious health issues are present.

Please read the post properly. 85% is the cutoff point for an award, and I said my son has almost perfect attendance, except for when he has vomiting bugs. I have read with my son for years, and I have taught him to be a nice person, not like you, who can't be bothered to treat other people decently.

He might not have been good enough to be in sports teams etc. I honestly doubt if the teacher is staring at your son when he asks a question and not letting him ever speak when he has his hands up. I wouldn’t believe his version of events without speaking to school.

We are a Welsh family, living in Wales, so expressions like that are part of our vernacular.

@Nessiesfoodprovider I think most schools have a target of between 95% and 98% attendance, which is partly what they are judged on.

No one would disagree with providing reasonable adjustments for groups of children who have additional needs, but this doesn’t apply to OP’s son, because she hasn’t indicated, in any way, that he has. What she has said, is that a previously happy and confident child is no longer like that, so it needs to be unpicked.

I do think that schools have a responsibility to be even handed, but it’s a lesson for life that some get picked for lots of things and others don’t. I’m sure that schools and teachers, for the most part, try to acknowledge and celebrate their pupils.

How often is he having vomiting bugs to be only at 85% attendance? Isn’t that 20+ days a year?

What do you suggest? Should I wait until my son gets home, then tell him he's worthless and he should accept it? That was treatment I got from my parents, and I'll be in my grave before I let it happen to my son.

The hand raising thing is likely because the teacher knows he will get it right. My daughter had the same problem but her teacher explained to us that even though she might not call on her much / at all raising her hand is still useful as she can see she's engaged with what's being taught. I would try to frame it with your son like this if you can.

His attendance is almost perfect, I said 85% was the cutoff for an award.

That's an unpleasant response. Not every child can achieve better attendance and not every child can be in the top 25%.

What strengths do you think your son has? If you focus on those yourself - his art, his problem solving, his love of animals/sports/space, whatever it is, this will make him feel special enough and help him excel at school. Schools tend to just keep everyone at a middle level and not let anyone fall behind, but you can focus on what your son is really good at and what he loves.

I agree discuss with the teacher why he seems so unhappy and if he is having any issues in class, but I think this is a good opportunity for you to support him at home.

Another one who didn't bother reading the post. 85% was the cuttoff for an award, whereas my son's attendance is almost perfect. How exactly do you teach your son to be resilient when the teacher is actively mistreating them? How would you react if your son tried to ask a question, and they just got stared at like they emerged from a spaceship? The teachers who are leaving, if they are like her, shouldn't have been in the profession to begin with.

I agree with those who have said talk to the teacher but from a 'he feels unseen and it is making him unhappy what can we do about it' point of view.