Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

What does your brother think of his wife’s behaviour?

She sounds very unfeeling
however if it is on a group chat your dad can see it to call it out or her DH?
to be honest it sounds like with your dad’s health she needs to get proper childcare in place which is reliable - if her career is that important she needs that

Where is your brother in all this?

If your dads health is getting worse overall, then he maybe needs to say now she best start looking for alternative child care. There is going to be a point the DC can’t go at all.

I’m not sure I could bite my tongue tbh, but I’d be directing the flak at my brother for allowing this to go on, they’re his dc too! (Unless he’s deceased?)

Are you sure this is 100% accurate OP?

Yes. I saw the messages come through with my own eyes.

my brother will ask how he is, but when my dad raises his feelings he will side with his wife and say it’s childish.

Id absolutely not be holding my tongue! Id be right on the phone to.either her or my brother about it.

I wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue. I would also be furious with my brother for not intervening.

he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

Well by the sounds of it she is right!

Your addition to the group chat should be in terms of supporting your Dad and ignoring her post - keep it coming and hope she gets the message. This is an indirect way of pulling her up on it without risking a big family rift.

If it is all bad enough for your Dad to be in tears then maybe you need to chat with him and give him support, possibly suggesting to your parents that this care burden is becoming too much.

We’ve argued about this many a time as a family. The last time he was in hospital was because they sent their youngest over knowing he’d had an upset stomach and he passed it on to my dad, who ended up in hospital. They won’t give up the care because they know if they did, theyd not see the boys.

Where is your mother in all this? And your brother, obviously, but why is FIL’s health the decider in whether they look after the children or not? What is your brother and SIL’s back up when your parents can't look after them?

Either way, it sounds as if your brother and SIL need to start using more reliable paid childcare, if your father’s health is deteriorating. Just tell your brother that. Though it’s not clear to me why your parents don’t say it.

Ime this is what can happen when using relatives for childcare...
Tell sil it's time for nursery now. Your df simply isn't up to it.

Your brother is an arse for allowing his children to be weaponised in this way
they sound like a horrible couple who don’t give a shit about anyone
not what the answer is but your dads health needs to come first
is your brother a golden child they can’t upset?

You could comment on the chat something like "Dad, do you think you'd feel up to it this Friday, as it's been a worrying/difficult/upsetting week for you?"

Or go full-on with taking the piss, "Whoa! Yes, hopefully he'll be physically and mentally well enough, thanks for your concern! Lol, I know that's not how you meant it, haha" etc etc 😏

Having had to be in between a relative who looked after another relatives children, due to being a close relation of both, I've learnt the hard way not to get involved. One moaned to me, then when I tried to help solve the issue, denied any moaning whatsoever and implied I was stirring. Let them sort it out. I suspect that the childcare relationship will come to a natural end, if your dad isn't reliably well enough anyway.

I'd have to respond to her message in the group, shoot her down.
Yanbu.
Hope your Dad is feeling okay.

Her conduct requires firm action, speak to your father and get his blessing , but you should make it clear they should pay for their own childcare and not put your father at risk again / treat him with disrespect.
Your brother sounds like a bystander in all of this - you should tell him to stand up and do the right thing here, it’s his father too

This is on your parents to sort out.
Neither your brother or SIL care but it is on your parents to discuss it.
Not you.
She sounds awful, keep your distance.

How childish and selfish of sis in law even after being pulled up on it!
Unfortunately though some people go through life only caring about themselves and there is nothing you can do.
Even though she is the CF, if you say something, it can only make things between you worse so better not to say anything.
You have already tried.
I feel like these people always get their comeuppance later in life anyway. It’s happened a few times around me to people who only ever cared about number 1. So i am a firm believer in you get what you give.
Hard as it is, I would just let it go, roll your eyes but not say anything.

They won’t change it because they know if they do, they won’t see the boys and they adore them.

It’s not childish to expect at least a little caring. They are being twats and just want the free childcare. Call them out and tell them to pay for care if their jobs are that important. And enough with sending the kids over so unwell that your dad catches their bugs and gets hospitalised

In this circumstance you should say something because you have nothing to lose whereas your dp have to bite their tongue to see dgc

Where is your brother in this?

People are all fundamentally selfish, you it’s how the species survives.

It sounds like your SIL first and foremost consideration is keeping her own household functioning. Which isn’t unreasonable, because that’s what then allows you to support others.

Some solutions might be:
Set up a health updates group for immediate family only. Keep that separate from childcare chat.
Suggest a reduction in the childcare commitment.
Find an easy back up plan so that there’s less pressure on parents to honour their commitment, and it’s less impact on brothers household when that’s not available.

It’s a challenge that comes with using grandparents for childcare. Most jobs expect reliable attendance from their staff. Last minute cancellations are a problem for working parents. When there are two parents it should be less of an issue because they should take half the hit each - but if that’s her reaction Im going to guess that’s not what’s happening.

What I'd do is collude with someone else in the chat, say your husband or your mum or someone, and when she asks that type of question, you all ignore her message and instead spam questions/information about his health issues. It might be stuff you already know from talking to your parents, but you pretend it is the first time you are hearing about what the doctor said, or when the scan might be.

We do something similar in our family group who can never let anyone else share an achievement without bringing her own kids or grandkids into it. Sibling shared nephews prom pics last summer, she shared her granddaughters prom pic from 4 years earlier!

Ultimately your mum and dad are going to have to grow a set of balls aren't they.

Noting to do with you.

This is between your brother, his wife and your parents.

The SIL asked whether the child care would be going ahead.

Your parents should always answer honestly.
They need to say NO if they are not up to it.

Your parents need to speak up for themselves instead of being upset that your brother asks after their wellbeing but not his wife. (In the same on-line chat conversation it doesn't make sense that SIL would repeat her husband's question.)

The childcare problem is for your parents to sort.
They need to be brave and truthful.