Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

No! She'd be risking her parents never seeing their grandchildren again!

I'm sure OP has more sense than to take her parents decisions into her own hands.

Why is he such a wet lettuce who can't arrange childcare for his own kids? Why is it his wife's job?

Ok, if they are going to use access to the grandchildren as blackmail fodder to get free childcare, do your parents have any bargaining chips of their own?

Such as disinheriting brother, should he estrange them from his children? Do they have many assets?

Vile, I know, but with people like this you may have to fight fire with fire.

Can you skip over her message and pretend it’s not there and ask your dad how he is, or what the next step is, how he’s feeling…and see if she asks again then tell her to read the room!

I mean of course she does? I respect my in laws but I prefer my own family (toxic though they can be) and I value my own family (my DC and DH) over absolutely everyone one else in the world.

Yes, or parents can leave the family group chat.

And you prioritise your parents over her.

It’s almost like it’s pretty common for people to find that their closest to those most closely related to them.

Your SIL seems to be very reliant on your parents for child care in order to work. Their household child care arrangements may need a rethink. Thats something for them both to think about. She’s not the villain. Tactless maybe, but not a villain.

Fuck it. I'd be absolutely fuming.

Never mind avoiding a fall out, what you say to her will not affect the fact she still needs your parents for childcare - so I'd go for it.

And I would do it consistently. Every single time she is a dick like that, I'd say something.

I think it's awful that your dad has literally full on told her it would be nice to have a how are you - and she can't even pretend to care?? Just ask how he's doing first it's not hard.

I'd be pushing dad for the occasional last minute 'nope, no can do' as well.

Whats mums / dads wife opinion??

How many people are in the group chat? If it's just the 4 of you your words probably won't go so far as a falling out. But I'd reply to it regardless. "Did you mean to ask if he was ok? Because it comes across like you don't care?"

How do you avoid a falling out with your sister in law? You don't get involved. This is between your brother and his wife and your parents.

I think that's awful

I think you should just respond “WTF is wrong with you?” This total lack of empathy sounds literally pathological.

I think the only thing you can do is very clearly model the empathetic response that your father needs, and that any caring person would give. So ignore her when she asks about childcare and quickly fill the gap with something like "that must be really worrying, dad. How are you feeling?"..."how's the pain, dad? It must be making you really tired. Have you been given decent painkillers?" etc etc.

But to be honest with 2 years of health updates with things like test results from an older male relative, I can sort of see that she just needs the key info.

Also it depends on what she is like herself. How do you know that she hasn’t had health scares in the last two years, but that she hasn’t posted them on the family WhatsApp?

she might well be a much more practical person, and constant messages of ‘love h poor you’ might just not be her style.

it would be totally meaningless anyway. Your dad wants her to write ‘oh poor you. I really feel sorry for you. Are you still ok to have the boys?’ It’s just words really isn’t it.

Speak to your brother because that’s just callous, but also check in with your parents and let them know they need to prioritise their health and should say no when they need time.

I think she is when she’s been repeatedly told what my dad would like and she ignores it and is downright horrible to him when he asks! Being tactless is one thing but when she starts calling him childish etc for vocalising his feelings it’s another

Why dont you say anything ! She dose not care about your dad ! She just wants free childcare - stick up for your dad - your parents and you should have a falling out with her , then she will not pester them ...

you’d do that consistently for 2 years?? I’m not an uncaring person but that would start to get on my nerves. At what point does her dad just accept that he is older and this is his life now….

Not sure a daughter should be fighting a battle with her sister in law that should be fought between her dad and her brother.

that's irrelevant to be honest, if what you say is true and your dad is feeling awful about this situation to the point it is making him upset, then it is up to your brother and parents to come up with a solution.

Do they get paid to do it? It is quite an important factor to be honest.

Ultimately it’s up to your parents what they do. Whether you bite your tongue or not (and I don’t blame you if chose not to) But they’re frankly lucky they still have good, reliable and presumably free, childcare, given their attitude towards your dad. I think in their shoes I might have cancelled the whole arrangement.

Also, is everyone posting their problems on the group chat for people to be ever so empathetic about, or is it just your dad??

I kind of agree with this as it sounds like falling out with the SIL would be no great loss to the OP! And it sounds like someone needs to say it.

Well then, your brother is as awful as his wife. They're probably well matched.

Why do you keep making SIL a scapegoat? Your brother agrees with her yet you all protect him like a mother hen.

Again, how likely is it that she will completely withhold the children? She is relying on your DP for childcare, which indicates her own family don't have a lot of spare time or the ability - would she REALLY cut off her nose to spite her face?