Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

It sounds like the men of the family are used to being mollycoddled to be honest. Everyone having to be ever so thoughtful to dad as he’s been having health problems whilst presumably everyone else has been problem free for the last two years?

Dad is elderly and is likely to have more health issues than his kids. But I see nothing in OP 's posts to indicate that no-one else feels able to share that they're unwell.

I’m not protecting him. But he at least does ask how dad is and doesn’t send my dad horrible messages while he’s in hospital!

I mean, he’s just asking his kids to check in on how he is when he’s admitted to hospital rather than immediately only asking and caring about childcare!

My father is also elderly and has heart failure. When I ask how he is he says ‘keeping on keeping on, love. How are you?’ Because he is aware that being a mum to small kids with a full time job is also tough and doesn’t like to burden me overly. He knows I care and doesn’t need constant texts from me to reassure him of that.

I see this all the time on here, though. An OP blaming the sibling’s spouse, not the sibling, for presumably joint behaviour — I imagine it’s easier to project onto the non-blood relative, assume the blood relative has no agency, as well as a weird, gendered assumption that women are responsible for family relationships.

Otherwise, as in this case, the OP would have to acknowledge that her brother is exploiting his own parents.

He uses it as a place to update all of his children, his grandson (who is in his 20s) and his in laws as opposed to repeating the same conversation five times.

Sorry OP but that’s the bare minimum. He still backs up his wife and calls your dad childish, he’s just as bad! I do think your anger should be directed at your DB for not speaking to his wife about the way she treats his family.

For what it’s worth, I think she sounds absolutely awful. I probably wouldn’t be able to hold my tongue and would call it out in the chat. But DB is equally as responsible.

If I were you, I'd ignore her comment about whether they can do child care and really go to town on the group showing concern about your DF'S health. If need be get your DP to pop in a comment too to show sympathy. Totally ignore the childcare comment from her and advise your parents to leave her hanging with a 'oh we'll have to see, I'm sure we all want Dad fit and well as soon as possible'.

Not as stressful as being admitted to hospital

Every time though? Also, presumably when he is texting in the group chat, he is actually ok.

ive got to be honest ive actually got a FIL who is similar and the running commentary of his health problems does become a bit overwhelming sometimes. I care about him a lot actually, but I’m already keeping track of so much that I really only want to know if something needs to be done. If it’s just for info, I’m actually ok to hear of it when I see him.

This is irrelevant.

He should be saying to SIL to give her head a wobble, arranging proper childcare and also making it clear to your parents that they won’t lose contact with the grandkids, irrespective of what his wife has to say about it, because he will bring them to visit on his own.

No reason why he couldn’t be doing this, even if he didn’t realise she was such a nut job. You seem to be making quite a few excuses for him for some reason?

I’ve been admitted to hospital many times. Some things I personally find more stressful- for example my own children’s health. I think mothers have a very different take on life to be honest

No woman on earth, no matter how self centred, would read a message from their in laws about health problems and not reply something like 'oh dear, so sorry to hear that. Should we rearrange Friday?' or similar.

' OK but what about childcare?', nah. I'd have to see that to believe it.

I'm going to be blunt here. Please understand that I certainly sympathise with your parents, your SIL is being horrible and selfish.
However your parents seem to have accepted this treatment from her so they can see their GC. I wouldn't- but they have made that choice.
So if you force SIL to ask how your poor father is, you will all know that nothing has really changed. She is making a moment's choice to be fake polite in order to achieve her ultimate goal of childcare. How is that any better? She won't mean it from her heart.
The only real solution is for your parents to stop childcare to show they won't be treated like that but they won't - so making SIL ostensibly be polite changes nothing in reality does it?

I’d say it depends on how many messages FIL has sent over the last two years pertaining to his health….

but that's on your bother.
She can'T force your brother to cut off his family just because they can't provide childcare and she is a rude mare.

That will be on him then, to keep up the relationship with his parents.

In your shoes? i would tell my brother that he reins her in, and tells her to treat his father with respect and understanding. And if she continues, you will unleash Your Words On Her and sod the consequences.

Same way everyone is making excuses for the wife!

You genuinely think he shouldn’t update his family?

Stay out of it, OP. This is between your father, your brother and your SIL. Your parents choose to keep the status quo. You may disagree with this, but it is an active choice on their part. It comes across that your dislike your SIL, which is fine - you don't have to fall out; just be polite whenever you meet up.

I dislike her because she’s shown herself to be a bitch! I think if it’s going to be between them, she shouldn’t say this sort of shit on the family chat.

I would talk to your brother about this. Tell him that he needs to be the one contacting your parents about arranging childcare and that SIL needs to step back. And that he should talk to your parents honestly about whether they cam continue providing childcare that is reliable enough.
It sounds to me as though all of this could be resolved by your brother engaging paid for childcare and your parents seeing their grandchildren when they are well enough to.
And to keep the family chat to family (which would include SIL if she can shift her mindset to see your Dad as family rather than childcare provider who has - in her eyes - let her down).

You don't need to talk to SIL in this or call her out on the group chat. Your DB and parents need to work it out together amd you can support them in doing so.

I'm not sure they are OP, most people are playing devils advocate as they don't personally know you and your family.

People can agree your SIL is behaving awfully while also stating that it is your brothers responsibility to manage how his parents are treated by his own family unit.

In fairness though (playing devils advocate here), if your brother asks how your dad is and pays attention to his health concerns etc, why does your SIL also have to do that? She is reading everything on the group chat, surely your dad doesn't need every child to ask him about it.. isn't that the point of a group chat? It gets asked and answered (by whoever) and then conversation moves on?

Can you speak your brother, say you are concerned about your father’s poor health, and that your parents worry they won’t see the children if they stop providing childcare - so can he please reassure them that they will still have a relationship if this does become too much for them?

How is any of that relevant to the op? Good for your dad that doesn’t means ops dad should be the same. Being ill enough to require tests is not asking to be mollycoddled. Honestly some people really will defend women over everything and vilify men for everything. The Sil is absolutely vile and a selfish cow to boot. Although I will say the brother is as bad for enabling her. Serves them right if their sons grow up being closer to grandparents and aunt.