Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

That sounds a dreadful situation. What a selfish woman. She needs to make other arrangements for the childcare. But I appreciate she does need to know whether or not they can have the childcare. The best thing would be for her to find a childminder or nursery rather than relying on sick elderly parents.

I remember at work once I went in and the woman sitting next to me was absolutely fuming. Then started ranting on about how her parents had booked a weeks holiday for in six months time and how outraged she was that they dared to book this holiday when they had her kids to look after as she would have to take a week off work. I remember thinking what an absolute horrid and entitled cow, as I opened my nursery fees bill for the child care for my children as I would never expect my parents to do regular unpaid childcare.

Speak to your brother and make it plain that weaponising the children is unacceptable.

My sister would dump her DC on my parents, and they would complain to me.
I had a word, and my sister pretty much said that she'd stop 'Nan & Grandad' from seeing their DGC if they minded.

After that, I told my parents and they had a pop at me for interfering. I told them to not complain to me then.

In that case stay out of it on the group chat, as anything you say will be used against your parents and might lead to them seeing their grandchildren less. They have obviously accepted this as the price to pay for seeing their grandkids so, galling as it is, you might have to accept it for their sake. You can continue to support your dad of course and speak to your brother in private.

In the first instance I might try to call her out in a “light hearted” (i.e. can be dismissed as banter) way “Oh yes Helen I’m sure dad will be well up for a bit of babysitting after being stabbed like a pin cushion repeatedly all morning at hospital, what could be nicer [add many laughing emojis]” or even “well let’s get straight to the serious issue of childcare, dad stop cluttering up the group chat with messages about your health FGS [laughing emojis again].”

But I suspect that she’ll either ignore or get the hump in which case, again, we’re back to her weaponising the kids against your parents.

Your sister is pure evil and your brother little better.

I have no advice.

Grandparent / older people are more vulnerable to the demands of others and reluctant to refuse requests. Yes be relentless on the chat with other relatives to your Dad about his health. Mentionitis it on the group chat. How are you? How are you feeling today? Ask about appointments? Make the focus about his health symptoms.....e.g walking poorly, breathing worse, never ending pain and impact on his responsibilities...needing to take rest breaks, risk of falling, walking/ tripping falling over and risks to others, scalds/ burns. Then up to brother/SIL to think of safety and get paid childcare

We all know the reality is that the grandparents won't refuse to do childcare because their son and his wife won't allow them to see the children if they stop.
I hate parents who pull this shit. I had a friend who was the same. If she couldn't help her daughter fo whatever reason she didn't allow her to see the kids.
Brother and sil are cunts. No advice because you can't change cuntish behaviour.

Why do you want to avoid falling out with her? She sounds a nasty piece of work.

Could you phrase it to your SIL (or DB) that your concern is for her children rather than your father. Something on the lines of 'I worry that one of these days when mum pops to the shops and Dad is alone with the children that he is going to collapse and the children would be so worried about him and not know what to do. Do you think you ought to consider putting them in nursery instead, so as not to risk them being in this position?'

Why on earth are you trying to avoid a falling out with these vile users?

stand up for your dad!

You avoid falling out with her by minding your business. There are three other adults who should be dealing with this, your parents and your brother. The relationship is between them. Nobody will thank you for blowing this all up. No good will come of it. You can hate her all you like, think what you want about her, but it isn’t your place to cause trouble.

Why isn't your brother doing the communication with his own parents? Something doesn't sound right.

If your parents aren’t prepared to challenge them, there’s nothing you can do. It’s pointless your Dad being upset, yet only telling you and not them. It sounds unlikely he would back you up even if you challenged them.

It sounds awful, but your parents are the ones tolerating it. Perhaps you can suggest to them they push back, but not much else. It’s pointless you getting wound up if they won’t. Infuriating as it is, you’re going to have to let it go or else continue to drive yourself mad.

They sound a right pair of pricks. I'd have to delete myself from the group chat as I'd be unable to hold my tongue which I don't think would be helpful for your parents. They want to see the children and your brother and SIL sound the type to vindictively withhold contact.
I would speak to your brother in person though and tell him about the impact their behaviour is having on your parents and make it clear this came from you and not your parents who are too scared to say anything.
Ultimately, the final refusal to be bullied needs to come from your parents. They are the only ones who can say no. I wouldn't be pretending it was ok anymore though by staying on the group chat.

Stop infantilising older people. If they are in this situation, it is of their own making. If your children are only using you for childcare and won’t let you see their children otherwise, you’ve made some major mistakes as a parent.

you have nothing to lose by falling out with her. Nothing at all.

My friends are in a similar situation, re childcare. And like your parents, they know that pulling up their son and DIL on their selfishness, will mean that they won't see their grandchildren at all.

I don't think it's an unusual situation at all. I know that I'd be devastated not to have contact with my grandchildren. I count myself very fortunate that their parents don't use them as collateral.

I wish I had advice for you, but I doubt that you'll ever get through to your brother and SIL.

100% this.

Also childcare is a pita to sort so I don’t see the issue with her asking at all, she could just do it in a nicer fashion.

The easy option would be to ignore and show them how normal humans behave but I would want to protect my Father so I would suggest that they explore alternative childcare options. They sound awful.

No job is more important than your dads health.

It's so tedious that on this board it's always the parents of adults who are at fault. Some younger adults are just not pleasant people. The same as with any other demographic.
ETA that of course OP 's parents had nothing to do with their DIL's upbringing,

It all comes from my sister in law though. She values her family over my brother’s

This really isn't anything to do with you, as much as you are looking out for your dad, he (they?) is the one who is still doing the childcare, childhood illnesses are part of that to be honest, it's the risk you take spending time with small children, it's up to them to set boundaries.

If you intervene on their behalf you may find yourself made to be the bad guy/scapegoat yet all the while the problem carries on.

Do they get paid for childcare or do they do it for free?

Well that is your brothers doing then.

Leave SIL out and speak to your brother and say the childcare is too much for parents.

Your brother sounds thoroughly selfish.

Not really? He didn’t know she was like this until they had children!