Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

If my SIL ‘spoke’ to my father like that I would take her on and happily fall out with her. I feel anger reading your post. We are African heritage and we just don’t speak to our elders like this, especially when they are helping us. My SIL is African too but if she were an English rose from Berkshire, I still wouldn’t hold back. You need to do the right thing and speak up politely but firmly.

I wouldn’t rely on my brother speaking up. Many men spinelessly follow their wives for an easy life and when they don’t, their approach is often viewed as evidence of not being properly independent from their birth family.

This is between your SIL and your dad and you definitely shouldn't get involved directly. If your dad feels disrespected he's free to withdraw childcare services himself.

You can of course provide support to him and let him know it's OK if he does that...

I do get those saying stay out of it - but I have to agree with the poster that you have less to lose than your parents if you were to step in to defend them.

I would call them out about the potential weaponisation of the kids before they do it, which may possibly shame them into not doing it. Something along the lines of "I need to step in here, as <parents> are desperately scared that they may not get to see their grandchildren at all if they don't continue to look after them. We've reached the stage where regularly looking after the boys is having a detrimental effect on them, and in particular, Dad. He is elderly, ill and has already ended up in hospital due to catching an infection from one of the boys, Mum is caring for him and cannot be responsible for an adult and 2 young children. This simply cannot continue. I appreciate that you need regular and reliable childcare, but you need to be looking elsewhere for this."

Why are your mum and brother so passive?

Of course you’re worried about your dad but I don’t think anyone would welcome your involvement. As it’s been going on for ages I’d be at the point of not caring about falling out with her.

“Mary, dad is clearly really ill, it’s so insensitive and rude of you to ignore what he’s said about xyz and focus on what he can do for you and DB for childcare”

and then

“Dad, it’s up to you and I know you’re worried they won’t let you see the kids unless you do the childcare they want but you’re running yourself into the ground putting other people first and it’s going to kill you. Please look after yourself!”

All in the group chat and see what happens…

I mean, fuck her frankly. Fall out with her, who cares. She's an arsehole and so is your brother.

And yeah I know, nobody likes confrontation, but imagine how your poor Dad feels and stick up for him.

I think I would have to play dumb and say ‘I agree with SIL Dad, you should have a break from the childcare on Friday and rest’

Your brother and sister in law sound horrible. They are weaponising your parents’ love for their grand kids into manipulating them into free childcare. Think how damaging suddenly withholding contact would have on the children too? And they obviously don’t care about your dad, or they wouldn’t be sending the kids there when they can pass on illnesses that will obviously heavily impact your father.

I’d be angry with my SIL, but I’d be FURIOUS with my brother. He bears the lion’s share of the responsibility to your parents within that relationship. What a dick.

She can be a bitch in the group chat, but you have to hold your tongue? Why?
Shit like this happens repeatedly because everyone else yields to the foolishness.

Why doubt it. Just because it’s a woman?

I would totally do this, OP. The danger of the second message is that your brother and sister in law take umbrage and withhold the children and your parents blame you. Only you can know how likely that is and whether it is worth doing. I see no problem with the first message though.

I would agree. She is an arsehole and probably the rude aggressive type that’s why no one confronts her. Stick up for your dad op. If they fallout then that’s that.

I'm with @IamIfeel on this one. Yes, we all like to keep the peace, but neither you nor your Dad are feeling peaceful at the moment. The old Mumsnet classic, "Did you mean to be rude?" would work well in this situation.

Yeah, this is a good response. What a couple of pricks OP. Your parents should tell them to piss off and pay for care.

So rude. I would reply on group chat "so sorry you are unwell please let me know if i can help" and an eyeroll emoji to sil's post.

This is perfect @everytimeifall .

She sounds horrible. I’d reply in the group chat

‘sounds awful dad, you must be exhausted. Please don’t be worrying about any of us or childcare, we all just want you to feel better’

Agree this is perfect.

If they are so dependent on your DP for childcare that they are using them even when your dad is ill, how likely actually IS it that they will withhold the children? How long can they REALLY go with sole care of two small boys without looking for someone to help?

And if they do find additional childcare, I suspect that they will still want someone to take the boys in an ad hoc situation. So the 'withholding the children' might not go as well as they expect.

Your charming SIL places no value on your parents or their time but your DB should do better, does he really feel the same or is he afraid to gainsay his wife? If he was my DB I'd be having a frank talk about why he's happy to treat his DPs like this

Did you read where she said if he did that they would not be allowed to see the boys?

Awful and entitled. She isn't a nice person.
My parents live 5 minutes from me are fir and healthy and I never expect them to do childcare, they would not do it reguarly anyway and when I do ask it is done very nicely and on their terms.
I would say something. I would actually blow this all up and force them to find alternative childcare permanently. How dare she put all of this onto your poor sick dad and mum who is probably caring for him.
They should be having a peaceful life not pandering to an entitled woman and her needs.
She can do what the rest of us do, change hours, jobs or pay for childcare.
I would definitely blow this up once and for all.

So their plan is just to put up with this awful behaviour until your poor dad drops dead? I assume you mean that if they try to pull back in any way on their commitment, your brother and sil will punish them by withholding the grandkids altogether. This is a horrible and dysfunctional family dynamic and I would find it very difficult not to challenge it, but I understand why you're holding back.

If OP does that she will have alienated her brother. It's up to her father to say he cannot have the two children. Having a six and two year old is hard work if you are young and sprightly, if you are in your 70s and not well it must be very difficult. Time for DF to say that his son's wife needs to get proper paid for childcare. Not up to OP (unless she really wishes to cause an almight row).
Have now read thread and think SiL and DB are completely out of order and need telling that they are being unreasonable and need to find their own childcare. And weaponising their children in the way they are is abominable. OP's parents are better off without the lot of them - entitled both.

Its your brother I would have the biggest issue with. His wife is being incredibly disrespectful to your father. And also weaponising his own children, not putting then first. I am no fan of my MIL (and I think the feeling is mutual) but she is great with my girls and they adore her, I would never withhold contact based on my feelings towards her, as I know it's beneficial for my girls to maintain a strong grandparent relationship. Your brother needs to stand up to his bully of a wife - could he possibly be scared of her and potentially a victim in this too? Always worth considering if his behaviour is out of character.

That needs calling out - it's family blackmail.