Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

Because he’s a dick but that’s outside the scope of this thread

When you rely on in-laws or family for childcare, you have to expect illness and holidays ect and not just expect them to provide childcare like a nursery would! If you want guaranteed childcare, you need to use a provider. My in laws helps but any mention of illness or hospitals ect (my DC great grandparents have to be cared for too) I make other arrangements before it’s even raised! Your SIL is taking the piss and I’d be angry too!!
I also know families that squash in loads of weekend activities!!

Would you like her? I wouldn't.

Absolutely this!!

I don’t understand why posters are tying themselves in knots to try and defend such a heartless person.

I wonder if these are just sexist posters and if they’d be jumping to a BILs defence if he was as rude.

Kindly but you're 100% displacing your anger and worry about your dad's illness to her. Obviously she sounds like a selfish arse
But your brother is still with her and enabling her
Your parents are too scared of any potential consequences- caused in part by your enabling brother
So everyone is just unhappy and content to stay that way!
No-one is communicating effectively. No-one is honest
You're angry and shouldering all the burden of other people's anger. You're not an attack dog to be used for someone else's benefit or a shield
You are your own person.
What's the logical outcome- she will not stop being selfish magically. So you tell her off and have a falling out - you may or may not see the boys anymore. Your brother will still continue to be with her. Your parents will be mad at you
You say nothing and decide to let it go over your head - life continues on

Perhaps as the 6 year old is older you can take him to some of the activities at the weekend or summer. Something you both can do together to build a relationship outside of her
Play the long game and think critically and logically

But this is just not true.

Even if they have them at 9-5 holiday clubs for the whole of the summer holiday Mon-Fri ….. the weekend term-time extra-curricular don’t run throughout the 6 weeks or other school holidays. And even if there were a couple of clubs (for a 2 year old!!) that ran on a weekend - they are not all day and your DB could pop in with his DCs for an hour or two over the weekend.

Is does everyone amplify and exaggerate everything so dramatically in your family?

Yes, it fucking is.

football etc all run through the holidays. Our local cricket club runs an 8-6 cricket camp. The 2 year old does stupid shit like music and “sensory” classes. She literally stacks it. After the clubs is “family” time. But yes, she’s not the issue

Why is he outside the scope of this thread - when you said he was equally as awful and the bitch and cunt you described as your SIL?

Anyone would see his inaction as worse as he has more responsibility and accountability to his parents.

Is he only out of the scope of this thread because it’s an uncomfortable truth?

I am only hearing one side of the story
There are always three sides, your side, their side and that tiny bit in the middle!

Brother is not outside of scope because if he wasn’t such a dick, you’d have some leverage in the situation - but they are united in their shite and abusing the power knowing GPs will not want to lose access to the kids. There’s nothing you can do here without making it worse.

Why are you so determined to hold her to a higher standard than your brother? He treats your parents like a convenience and calls your dad names if he tries to protest.. why do you want to confront her but not him?

Why is the fact that he doesn't take his children to see his parents HER fault? It's not up to her to facilitate it, it is up to your brother, this kids club all day every day of the six weeks holiday, including weekends, is just complete and utter nonsense.

If you want to blame her for why your brother treats your parents so badly, at least make it believable.

I don't think you do want help to avoid a falling out with your sister in law and you don't think you're being unreasonable so 🤷‍♀️

why are you so determined to excuse her poor behaviour?

You should support your parents, but that means respecting and prioritizing their wishes. When it comes to capable adults that is the distinction between supporting someone and being controlling/centring yourself.

Tell your parents what you see, how it makes you feel, and that you would like speak up when you see it happening. If they ask you to stay out of it then you should respect that.

Your parents have the right to decide what their own boundaries and priorities are. If they would rather ignore their DILs behavior than risk losing contact with their grandchildren then it absolutely isn't your place to override that. If you start a fight with your SIL against their wishes and it results in them losing out on what they value most then you're just another inconsiderate, self-absorbed character in their world.

You are coming across as slightly unhinged.

Avoid? I think she needs calling out!

No she’s not.

SIL’s behaviour was awful and posters are trying to blame everyone but her.

I don’t get it.

Saying this one women acted like a selfish twat, does not mean all women are like that nor does it mean DB doesn’t have faults too.

Why is everyone so desperate to prove that this complete stranger is not at fault when she obviously is.

We are only hearing one side of the story

Why are the parents such doormats

I’ve explained this multiple times.

they believe (apparently incorrectly according to some), they they won’t see the boys if they don’t look after them. This has been shown by action during the school holidays where they go six weeks without seeing them because they’re not needed for childcare.

this is apparently the fault of my parents and my brother as opposed to SIL.

Or your SIL is giving them a break?

There’s so much wrong here.

An issue with health/childcare has happened just 3 times, over a 2 year period? And you’re irrationally furious about your SIL asking about childcare, although presumably it’s only happened 3 times?

Your dad doesn’t have to say anything, as everyone else is wittering about it on his behalf. Your brother is blameless for not telling his wife to treat his family with respect. It’s all SIL’s fault. Your brother is blameless that your parents wouldn’t see the children, because SIL would make weekends busy, and he’d have no power/voice to say anything??

Sounds like the men in your family are mollycoddled and excused at every turn. The women are to blame, and especially more so if they’re women who have married in, rather than being related.

Stay out of it, and let your dad/parents live with the arrangement that they’re accepting. By all means tell your brother that him and his wife are rude, but don’t interfere too much. It’s not actually your problem, even though you hate your SIL.

Yes because she’s the lovely delight and my parents are evil!

this website, honestly

The children being withheld from your parents for 6 weeks as punishment is nasty, from your nasty selfish brother, and his nasty selfish wife.

I didn't say that - I was offering an alternate point of view but you're not interested are you?

I don’t know why you’re getting flack because your SIL is being a dick. I’m petty though and I would have said ‘ can’t ask how my dad is since his in hospital ‘ straight after the nursery message.