Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

Oh, come on.

Her abrupt interjections about childcare are callous and rude.

Why don't you speak to your brother and say you are worried about your dad's health and you think that the regular child care is getting too much for him, particularly when the kids are passing on illnesses that led to your dad being admitted to hospital.

Do SIL's parents help out with childcare too or is it all left up to your parents? What does your mum think?

Defnitely think you have a 'brother problem' rather than a 'sister-in-law' problem. Don't call her out on the chat. Don't call her out at all, just ask your brother to step up, show care to his parents and look at whether the childcare arrangements are too burdensome for them. Avoid taking sister in law to task or slagging her off to brother.

People are right, going through your brother is the ONLY way to sort this OP.

If you confront SIL directly you WILL be held responsible for everything that happens after, because it is not your place to intervene on your parents behalf, and they may not even appreciate it if it has a negative outcome for them.

You need to open your eyes to the role your brother is playing in this, and accept that he is the only person who should be dealing with this.

If you refer to her as a bitch, I'm not sure why you care whether you fall out or not? You just want to control her behaviour and are pissed off that you can't. As others have pointed out in various ways, you have zero control over anyone else's behaviour; only your reaction. So since she annoys you so much, take a step back. She's not going to change and nor are your parents. Focus on your own behaviour, check in on your dad if you wish; ignore your SIL's comments.

I also agree with @Autumn38 posts.

This is a good idea. Go with the angle that you're worried about the kids' safety as they need nimble and fit adults to supervise them - but you need to get your parents on board first.

Since this is over group chat, is anyone supporting your dad or calling her out on being so callous? If not, I would say something. Your dad is already feeling poorly and he could use all the support he can get.

When you’re in hospital it’s nice to have a “how are you, can you have the kids” rather than just asking straight about the kids. It’s about being considerate

Agreed. @Autumn38 you're projecting your own experience onto the OP. Try and think about this situation from someone else's point of view and engage with the situation in question rather than your own.

But can't you see that if you make SIL ask it's not going to be genuine anyway?

Yes they are, completely tactless, but I'm referring to this post from OP:

I mean, he’s just asking his kids to check in on how he is when he’s admitted to hospital rather than immediately only asking and caring about childcare!

OP says her son IS asking him, so what is the problem there? If this was me and DH, only one of us would ask on the group chat, I'd ask them in person when I saw them, but I wouldn't ask the same question that my husband had already asked on the chat, it's weird, he has already been asked the question and answered.

Unless I've missed it, OP hasn't said if they are paid or not, to be honest I think that changes the dynamic enormously, if they are being paid to provide childcare, it is not inappropriate to cut to the chase when you have to arrange something else with short notice, and they should be informing their son/SIL anyway of any gaps they can't cover.

unpaid is a favour and I'd be mortified if my DH conducted himself like this and I would nip it right in the bud, so why isn't the brother bothered by his wife's behaviour?

@everytimeifall I agree that your SIL sounds completely thoughtless at best and a nasty piece of work at worst.

Trouble is that it's very difficult to fight other people's battles for them and if your parents don't want to risk a falling out, then I think you need to respect that. It doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to maintain a good relationship with your SIL, but I don't think calling her out will help solve anything. Your brother is the only one who can really tackle it with her and if he won't then I'd concentrate on supporting your parents.

I hope your dad is ok

It’s free, not paid.

I think when your sons have been married for 15+ years and they seemed to have pretty close ties to the family it’s normal to see your daughters in law as your daughters too - he would do the same for them as he would for me. He just wants to be treated the same

What is the arrangement though OP, it sounds like they pre-set times and days which is already in place?

If they have committed themselves to childcare on set days etc, and this group chat was the first SIL/brother are hearing that there may be a problem with them not being able to do it then it is natural to ask as they need to make alternative arrangements.

She is obviously quite tactless with it, but what is the childcare arrangement and do they get paid? Why doesn't your brother care about how his wife speaks to them?

Again, it’s free.

yes they have set days but it’s with the caveat that this is not an agreement that cannot be broken. For example, they will book a last minute holiday (think 2 weeks notice) and it’s understood that they may have to seek other childcare because they don’t exist to just provide childcare

So he needs them BOTH to ask him on the group chat if he is okay or he gets upset?

but he knows now?

She and my brother both sent the text at the same time, him asking how he is, her asking about childcare. It wasn’t as if he asked, dad answered and then she piped up. She will not ever ask how he is, only about the childcare.

compare that to my other sister in law who texted me privately, asked after him and then said they’d wait to hear about childcare but to reassure them they had other arrangements in place.

Can you really not understand why someone responding "can you still do childcare" in response to someone saying they're unwell might be hurtful, regardless of whether their spouse (who is a separate person) has been sympathetic?

You don't say how much childcare, but avoiding a day of nursery for two kids aaves, what, 10 grand a year?

For that, you can be polite, whatever your real feelings.

Your SIL may not be a nice person but she's definitely silly.

I wouldn't put anything in the WhatsApp though directly addressing the behaviour. It could easily blow up and if it affects contact you'll certainly get the blame.

I’ve calculated that by the time the youngest goes to school they’ll have saved near enough £100,000 through free childcare - after school as well, as opposed to clubs, and evenings/weekends while they’re away.

in this case though the behaviour is bad.

OP isn't even saying that SIL is wrong to want to know about childcare, because we all know what a PITA that is to arrange at short notice.

What she is complaining about - correctly - is what a rude cunt the SIL is being. The answer to "dad is unwell" isn't "but wah wah wah can he babysit"

It is, "oh i'm sorry to hear that, i hope he's well soon" and then to arrange other childcare.

it is not difficult.

As for "it's not your battle"? For sure OP needs to protect her dad from cunty SIL and her brother, because clearly brother is a wet lettuce who, with his wife, is actually blackmailing his (ill) parent into free childcare. Who else is going to step in?

Just tell them to grow the fuck up and pay for childcare like everyone else. and then take it from there.

It's fairly obviously incredibly rude. It doesn't take much, literally just change her response to something like "Oh no, really sorry to hear that, hope you are ok. So sorry to ask, but do you think we'll need to get alternative childcare for Friday?"
Took me about 5 seconds to type.

HOWEVER, I do agree that you can't force her to do this, or even if you did, it would clearly be completely insincere. I agree that unfortunately you need to let your parents deal wtih it. I would have thought that your dad or mum saying "Look, we are really quite upset about this, would it hurt to be polite?" would be fine. Surely no one is so monumentally stupid they would react to this by banning contact and thus costing themselves thousands a year??

fwiw, OP, i don't think anyone should be trying to make her ask how FIL is. Just tell her to butt the fuck out.

Sorry if this has been said elsewhere, but do her parents provide any childcare?

She is being very unkind, but would say its on your brother this.