Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

Well yes it’s Mumsnet and you typically only hear 1 side of the story.
That’s how it works on here.

If you don’t like it then why bother reading the threads or responding.

OP has told you the facts that the dad posted in the group chat about his illness and SIL only asked about childcare and nothing else.

How can you possibly defend that behaviour.

If you can't deal with only hearing one side of the story, you shouldn't be on Mumsnet.

So your parents feel that the 'potential' loss of access to their grandchildren is more important than your father's serious health problems ... according to you.

Your brother is a spineless dick ... again, according to you.

And you've painted your SIL as evil incarnate.

I can't understand why you're so invested in this dysfunctional tragedy. I'd let them get on with it. They're all adults. And fairly unpleasant ... according to you.

Questioning your blind defence of your brother's actions is not excusing her behaviour, I've said several times I think she's tactless and rude.

But so is your brother, and I think he's worse, he's their ACTUAL son, he should be making sure they are okay and are coping with the situation. Not taking the piss out of them, witholding them access to his children when he doesn't need their help and calling your dad names if he says anything.

As per many PP, they're a partnership and you brother is complicit by silence. If she's still putting those messages in the chat then it's because he hasn't objected offline.

Everything you've said about her personality may be true and I'd share your frustration about your parents being used, but it all applies to your brother too.

It's hard to focus on that when it's so clear OP has a personal Vendetta against her SIL. 'Weird shit' like music and sensory???

OP the only weird one here is you. Are you jealous of your SIL for the amount of attention your dad gives her? Get a grip you're a grown woman.

Clearly you're unhinged because the title of the post is about how you don't want to fall out with your SIL but you wasted no time calling her a cunt looool.

What an absolute gimp you are!

Log off then you absolute donut

So you're saying she physically restrains your brother? Or abuses him into compliance? If it is either of those things, you contact the National Domestic Abuse Help line for ideas on how to help him.

If he's choosing to do these things of course, that is a different story.

Anyway, it's his job to speak to his wife about being a cunt to your father, assuming he is not actually under coercive control, and if he is it obviously won't help anyone if you start arguing with her.

If you want to help your father, stay out of it. Because what will instantaneously happen is she will fire off at you and everyone will be fighting and things will be even more painful and difficult for your parents. It might cause a life time of damage to your relationship with your brother and will definitely cause issues with inter family relationshipos.

Unless that's what you are hoping for? Because obviously you know that you approaching her won't fix anything, right?

Your parents' relationship with her is their own. You can let them know that you find it painful that she treats them this way, and then you have to stand back and let them do as they choose. If it is too painful to watch, perhaps leave the group chat, or at least archive it and don't get involved.

That is exactly what needs to happen.

OP, speak to your brother and basically call him out. He needs to reassure your parents - or if he is not able to do that, because he daren’t stand up to his wife, he needs a bollocking. From you.

And when her brother tells her to fuck off, mind her own business and passes it all onto his wife? That's the most likely scenario given the information we have.

Far better to let her parents - who are adults with their own minds and choices - handle their own relationship with their own son and daughter in law.

The facts are she is taking the piss out of your father/parents and that would be enough for me.

I had a horrible sister in law, she's dead now God rest her soul.

I haven't rtft, but I'd feel the same it think. It's basic politeness to ask anyone that's in or has just been in hospital if they're ok first, before checking they can still do you a favour!

Some posters clearly have no experience of a Strong Spouse. With some people it’s my way or the highway. If a wife doesn’t like her in-laws or just far prefers her own side of the family, then that’s the way it goes. If the dh tries to be equal or even see his family, then there are ructions and I think many men think it’s not worth the aggro.

I have seen this numerous times in my family. In fact when bil left dsis one of the reasons was that dsis had basically banned him from seeing his dm and had always come up with a prior engagement if he wanted to take the dcs to see her.

In the OP’s case the gp are obviously useful with childcare, but beyond that they are a nuisance to the sil. My aunt did 100% childcare for her gd. Her dil organised all arrangements. In the five years since she went to secondary school and childcare no longer required dil has not once spoken to my aunt, not even when aunt became seriously ill. Her ds occasionally brings gd to visit but he always says he has to ask his dw first.

I can deal with it, I am pointing out the bleeding obvious!

That’s heartbreaking. I hope the 11 years of childcare have built a bond with the DGD. But I am shocked at the DS and his neglect of his DM and the relationship between his own daughter and her grandmother. Does he consider himself to be in a coercive and controlling relationship?

I think that no matter what sil does, you will find a way to be mad. You’re not being honest with yourself

@Battalicoa I suppose that as long as he toes the line he gets a quiet life.

Even with my grandmother, my dm remembers rows and silences when her df went on a rare visit to his parents.

I think quite a few people on MN do seem to be the sil in this scenario and see a dh’s parents as at best free childcare and at worst irritating people to be eliminated. My pil were awful people in many ways but not in a million years would I have tried to stop dh or the dcs from seeing them.

😒

Maybe he feels constrained by the MN rule, the man has to 'support' his wife and her decisions, however batty or nasty, especially when dealing with her 'evil' in-laws!
I wonder what support they get from her parents, are they on a care-per-view system too?

How is your Dad doing this week @everytimeifall ? I hope his health has settled and he is recovering.