To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

I think if you contact your local council they can give you information on residential care and help you with seeking assessment. I know there are some that take from 4.
they provide more one to one support to meet needs that understandably can’t be provided in the home. I know it will be a worrying thought but it may be for the best and may not be forever.
my nephew ended up in residential care because of his high needs and he’s so happy all the time there and can visit anytime.

For everyone talking about ‘residential care’ please read this thread. It explains in detail what ‘care’ is available to people in OP’s situation aka none

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4886346-to-wish-i-didnt-have-my-3yo-son

Thank you for this very thoughtful post. This is the kind of practical advice I need. I’m actually not in England so not all of this will apply, but there may be alternatives to children’s centres etc here. You are so right about just needing to find out about support. That’s been the hardest thing.

He is under the care of various specialists including a paediatrician and a geneticist as well as of course his health visitor, but they’re not great at signposting us to relevant support. When we have asked their suggestions seem pretty random. Online I have struggled to find local disability groups that aren’t focused on autism. There is some overlap but he is not autistic.

He has had support in the past from an NHS physio and a speech therapist but they were pretty useless to be honest, which has left me feeling a bit pessimistic about the help available.

Just using this post to say we do expect him to keep developing. He will probably never function at anything like an adult level but he does learn and change all the time.

A lot of people have understandably assumed he’s autistic given how I’ve described his behaviour, but he actually has a very rare genetic condition.

This means while he does have a lot in common with autistic children in terms of meltdowns, lack of verbal skills, sensory issues etc, he is actually very socially motivated and socially engaged. So we hope that this current aggression may be a phase we can get him out of with the right strategies (I am just at a bit of a loss as to what those are).

Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply. I’m working my way through everything!

@WhaleRiders many of the local charities aren't only Autism many are special needs as well which your son will fall into.

I'm not sure where you are based in North East Scotland there is one call SensationAll which offers practical advice as well as information.

Singing hands is online and is for a wide range and teaches signing through singing play and games which might also help.

I’m surprised you even had a second baby op. This is a huge problem.

It’s abuse with an excuse.
So very sorry that happened to you.

I don’t think we would have if he’d been like this when I got pregnant. He was a bit hyper then but not anything like now, and also far less violent. He did always have meltdowns but they were fairly contained.

Thank you. I’m in the Central Belt. I’ll look into those.

Perhaps you need to emphasise to the specialists how desperate your situation is, and your fears for your baby. That might stir them into action.

Don’t despair OP, some posters here are jumping to unfounded conclusions saying he’ll have to go i to foster care etc etc.

It could well (and is most likely is) a stage he is going through and the quicker you can help him through it, the better.

Contact social services, ask for support from the disability team. Ask about PBIS support (positive behaviour interventions and support), sometimes this service is offered by the NHS, other times Social Services (possibly jointly with NHS?).

In the meantime, just keep trying to keep them apart: your husband and you in separate rooms with each child. I agree with you that locking your son in his room is not a solution. If you need to pay for a ‘babysitter’ (a student?) to watch the baby before your husband comes home, while you’re with your son, that could be a temporary option.

Has he ever shown a single morsel of love and affection towards her?

OP I just wanted to say you've been so thoughtful in your responses considering there are some really unhelpful comments on this thread and I hope you get the support you need.

Seconded.

So many posters in here are happy to have an innocent girl grow up in fear and with risk for her life just to spare an inconvenience to a boy. Disability or not. Crazy.

I’m so sorry that the adults have let you down like this. This is exactly why there needs to be more protection, even if some don’t want to accept it.

He's a disabled 4 year old 🙄🙄

Shameful and do the math.

He's very young i have a non verbal severely autistic teens have more understanding than a lot of posters
Whose he been referred to ?
Is under portage ,paediatric learning disability, team,etc?
A lot of the behaviour will ve because he frustrated and can't communicate
What's happening with school ,does he have an EHCP in place ?
Have you looked at your local offer ,?
Meeting families of children with similar disabilities to my son helped me .

You have no idea how he's going to be when he gets bigger
Some children do calm down alot.

Yeah you csnt just do that.

And how do you imagine that might hapoen🤔

What do you think will happen?

Contact Children's Social Care for an assessment from the Children with Disabilities Team. They should be able to support with strategies, they may also be able to provide a care package so there's an extra pair of hands sometimes to manage the risk or respite outside the home.
Do not request section 20. Do not believe comments saying he will always be aggressive. Hitting siblings is pretty typical for an 18 month old, it's just more risky here because your child's chronological age is more than double his development age so he is bigger and more of a risk. With the right support this behaviour is likely to change.