To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

God that sounds hard. Sending a big unmumsnetty hug.

I’m sorry, OP, that sounds so incredibly hard. I don’t have any useful suggestions but just wanted to say I hear you. It’s ok to grieve the life you thought you would have.

OP nobody will think worse of you for how you feel. It’s death by a thousand paper cuts isn’t it?

You sound worn down and mentally exhausted.

Would residential care be an option? Even for a few weeks to give you a break.

That sounds so damn tough. I don’t have any experience but wanted to say you are not being unreasonable. And I know you love your son. Otherwise you wouldn’t find his screaming unbearable. But yes your life would be much easier right now without his challenges. Good luck xx

I have no direct experience but I hear that residential care is almost impossible to access. Even if parents can fund it. So people sometimes get fed up of this well-meaning but impossible suggestion.

What kind of residential care do.you think might be available?

I feel you totally. In a similarish situation. I often think how different my life would be just with dd. It's not fair when people only want to look after the easy one is it? Do you get respite? Is he in an sen nursery? Sending you lots of love

I’m sorry. That sounds incredibly hard.

Is adoption an option?

Is this a joke?

My heart goes out to you OP. It sounds like a living nightmare. No advice to give, but another unMumsnetty hug.

My son is 13 now severely autistic and completely non verbal.,very complex needs ,I won't say its got easier but things got more manageable when he started school( special) he did calm sown and routine helps a lot plus I got a break everyday
The six weeks holidays have been fraught, and I'm counting the hours untill.he goes back.to.school on Wednesday .

Would you put your three year old up.for adoption?

This was me last year. After a year in nursery my nonverbal child with ASD and SLD has now starting picking up words, a bit more sociable amongst other things. I'm a lone parent too, no contact from their other parent and very little support from my family, nobody ever minds her for so much as an hour and never has overnight. What I will say is that there has been progress in the last year that has made life more bearable, whilst still very hard at times. I am a very lonely person now, no friends, no time or way to make them, a shadow of my former self and I genuinely feel the only reason I am still here is for my DC. That's my sole role in my existence. So believe me, I really do sympathise so much with you. Having children with additional needs is far more difficult than those who never experience it seem to appreciate. But my point is it is possible as time goes on maybe things may change, slowly but surely?

If he has ASD, are you claiming any disability support/ benefits for him? You may be entitled to some respite care and support.

Have you got a PA ? With direct payments ?
This makes life tolerable tbh .. I feel your pain though . Watch your dd and make sure she has support . It massively impacted my dd life .

Op I have no suggestions but just wanted to offer solidarity as a fellow mum of SN dc.

Can people please please stop suggesting residential care? There is no such thing esp for 3 year old. There is next to no support for families with complex kids let alone residential placement. Please, for the love of god, stop suggesting this nonsense.

Some LAs have respite foster parents for exactly this scenario ... has this been offered?
I do not think badly of you for how you feel ... we are all only human.

Op you sound like a fabulous mum, but that doesn't mean that it's easy. Your feelings are perfectly normal, caring for a child with so many needs is tough. Anyone can go on social media and make life look glossy, it doesn't mean its their full picture and even if it's the reality for them, it doesn't represent the other families with kids with additional needs who are finding it much harder. And that's because every child is different. I would approach your social worker and ask about whether there is any option for short term respite foster care or whether any charities would do something like take ds out for the day to give you a break and some quality time with your dd. I'm aware these resources are woefully under funded and can be hard to find. Alternatively you could ask your social worker for a family conference where they bring in your family and try to pin people down to ways they can support you. Could be agreeing to babysit ds once a month or every 2 months, could be doing the nursery run, could be cooking or hosting you for dinner or taking over laundry. Is ds dad around to offer support and if so is he sharing the load with you as fairly as he could be? I'm sorry op, I know there's no easy solution. Perhaps joining a support group for parents of kids with asd might help you feel less alone and give you a better support network?

Gosh I'm so sorry, you're not horrible
It's gruelling when your life and hopes for your child are not how you imagined
and I'm sorry you are not supported more
It's hard to get I know, but could the SW try to get respite care so that you can focus on DD for even a day?
Could you contact the NAS for ideas?
You can apply to Family Fund for anything which may help

@monicagellerbing It's a small human we are talking about, not a cat you hand over to the rescue when it's too much bother.

Totally agree every single thread like this ,people suggest it ,its frustrating,.

There must be something. There must be parents who just can't cope with a disabled child. Perhaps the child would go into foster care?

My inlaws do short term respite care for all ages from newborn up as does one of my colleagues. It's not that it doesn't exist, it's just that there aren't enough people who do it so finding a placement is difficult.