To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

Love is a very abstract concept and affection might be shown by him in a way that others wouldn't recognise. Him not being loving and affectionate to her really isn't relevant IMO. To him she might just be a something that makes lots of noise and takes mummies attention away from him. He's not going to understand that he's hurting her, he doesn't understand that he's being told off and he's very much in his own little world by the sounds of it.

OP this sounds so tricky but i think you're going to have to keep bubs close all the time and carry her at all times. Rather than telling him off I'd go with trying to teach him 'gentle hands' - could you try with a teddy bear or doll? modelling and talking through being gentle - if his understanding is at 18 months he may be able to pick it up with enough repetition.

I'd also get them out and about as much as you can as it sounds like he has a lot of energy - it must be hard with no garden, is there somewhere you can go? I would avoid punishing him/shutting him in his room, he needs to feel safe or his behaviour will be worse - just as you wouldn't punish an 18 month and instead treat him like a child that age - redirect. model behaviour and repeat instructions like a broken record.

Is he sensory seeking OP do you think? It might be why he likes to make her cry. Does he like music? Do you have any sensory lights? Do you have anything that he is allowed to throw around that you can redirect him to? Good luck OP, I hope things get easier as he gets older, he really should be getting more nursery than 3 mornings - quite shocking that that is not available to people who so desperately need it.

I dont even know where to begin
He's four
You cant just phone the council up and ask for a residential place ,it just doesn't work like that .

This sounds absolutely horrendous OP and I've not really any advice having never been in a situation myself. But I do think people on here need to calm down a bit and take a step back.

The child here is four and the OPs child who despite all his difficulties, she will love just as much as her baby. I can imagine despite everything going on, I highly doubt the OP wants to be phoning up SS and demanding he be removed. And anyway working in social services myself, a child being removed is an absolute last resort and work will always be done to try and keep families together. And this isn't some older child or teenager we are taking about, but a four year old who has their own difficulties and is still developing and processing their own emotions through change.

Please do reach out OP though to your health visitor, GP and anyone for external support. You don't need to suffer this alone.

It is very difficult, keep reinforcing even while there is little understanding.
Mine get along now. DS took over her life when he was born, up until he was 6 or 7, they occasionally sit together now, as a result I had to split myself in two for many years, use a feather etc to teach nice touch, gentle touch, it's harder when he doesn't have the understanding.
Make sure you carve out 1on1 time with DD.
My DD is still very shy. It did impact her.

Can't imagine I should have said!

I think people need to take on board as well that there are two young children we are talking about here, both of whom are vulnerable. Yes of course the baby needs to be kept safe and abuse is never acceptable but this is a young child we are talking about here.

You cannot just phone up social services and demand your four year old be taken into care when there's been an absolutely no other interventions or support put in place. Social services need to consider the needs of BOTH children. While of course the baby needs to be kept the safe, it would be massively traumatising to the four year old to just be ripped apart from their family. These children and family need to be supported not punished.

Of course there's times when children need to be removed for other family members safety. But that is a last resort when all other methods have failed.

I really hope you can get some support OP, I can't imagine what you're going through.

@WhaleRiders I'm so sorry this must be incredibly hard for you. 💐💜 I don't think he needs removing from the home as other posters have said, thats unrealistic and cruel. What you ideally need is a carer coming in daily to help with your son so that you can keep your daughter separate from him. If you ring social services and explain that your daughter is in danger you might be able to get a care assessment? If that's not possible would going back to work any earlier be an option so your daughter could start nursery soon? X

Im really sorry but you cannot allow him near the baby. Can you get social services involved? This will drive you into the ground if you dont get sonething done. I hate to say this but maybe he should be removed from the house to protect the baby?

Iv just read your post again. This is doing untold damage to your poor baby. Her life should be happy and safe with nothing to concern her. I know hes your son. I know its not his fault but her life ahould not be ruined by him. This will continue too. Get him into care. Sounds brutal but your baby is in danger and suffering badly.

You can't just put him in care, that's not how it works, putting her DS in care will most likely lead to a life full of physical violence, mental and sexual abuse, once you surrender your disabled DC, that's it.
Do you think a non biological parent would be more patient? Carers?
There isn't a magical place to send disabled DC.
Not suggesting that her DD should suffer either, I'd invest in a padded room with a gate on the door for respite! Reach out to any service available, including volunteers, take any opportunity.
Just to add my friends little boy was similar, he has prada syndrome too , he's huge, ASD non verbal, he's learning to be very loving towards his big sister, with supervision, she has a bouncy set up in her living room.
Edit... Holy shit , 6 months old.
Buy a baby gate and door lock.

Sadly she's unlikely toget much if any respite at this stage
Certainly not daily
Thi is might well calm down though once he's starts school and is in a regular setting.

Where is your concern for this little baby?
i recognise your username you always come on these threads and never have an ounce of sympathy for the other children being a victim to this abuse. We have a 6 month old baby here who is frightened stiff of being in her own home. Who flinches when she hears her violent brother walking towards her. Despite him being 'only four' he is still having an incredibly profound impact on this poor baby, a baby who is probably constantly in fight or flight mode.

you have also commented that you can't just put a child into residential care. Posters on this page have shared their experience of relatives and children going into residential care. Places are sparse of course, but if this child is injuring this baby with weapons and the OP even says she thinks he will kill this baby, then if a place is available, residential care on a temporary basis would be the best outcome to keep all safe.
as I mentioned above, a child having SEN does not, ever, change the impact of violence towards the victim. Too many children are being abused in the name of 'inclusion' and posters like you downplaying it isn't the answer.
the best outcome is this boy growing out of this phase. But it shouldn't mean this little baby is forced to be around it.

yes the boy can't help it, yes the boy also has a right to be safe and happy. But it doesn't mean it's at the expense of others. It's abuse.

You say the DS would most likely be subject to abuse if he goes into care, but we already have a baby subject to abuse and violence already. But that's accepted more so because this child is disabled.

it shouldn't work like that. I don't know what the answer is but that's accepted boy needs removing from the home, temporarily, to give this baby some respite. Whether the father takes annual leave and takes him to stay with family. Or even a hotel for a few nights.

kids can go through phases and grow out of this behaviour but kids can also get stronger, bigger and worse. Leading to much more abuse and in my case, end up being raped at primary school age. I'm not saying OPs son will do this, but these things can and do happen all under 'inclusivity' and not enough protection for the (more commonly girls) who are subject to this abuse.

But they can give information on what’s available and how to seek assessment.

I really think MN really need to look at this thread as there is so much dangerous advice on this thread and I think this could be distressing for the OP.

No one at all is suggesting it is OK for a baby to be hit or what they being subject to is remotely acceptable. However so many posters on here who have a) no experience of children with complex needs and b) no experience of social services.

No social worker on this planet is just going to swoop in and remove the child as a first step. The person in question who is harming the baby, isn't an adult or older child but a FOUR year old child who I assume to OP loves and would be devastated at simply just giving up.

Yes the safety of the baby needs to be paramount however a four year old with significant needs is also vulnerable. Their needs need to be considered too. They need support and guidance as does the whole family. Putting a four year old in care without any other intervention would be massively traumatising and place thar child at risk. Social workers needs to consider the needs of both children.

Yes social work isn't perfect but it's main aim is keeping families together. Of course there are times when children need to be removed but that is a last step and when all other measures have failed. It is clear there has been no support offered to the OP in the first place to help try manage this situation.

I struggle to think of any residential places for a four year old. And not even that, you don't just phone up and get a place. It's the same with respite. These places are in VERY short supply and are subject to strict eligibility criteria.

Of course i have sympathy for alm children involved
These threads however are incredibly frustrating
Yes there are residential schools ,but they are not going to take a three year old
They are Generally a very last resort when ALL else has failed
They cost ££££££s too so most LA,s would be extremely reluctant to even consider them.

I would look into getting some personalised therapy for your son. This article is written by a psychologist and has some ideas on what to do (in the response to the question) when a toddler is violent towards a baby. It emphasises that it is quite normal for a child to feel violent towards their baby sibling. I hope that some of these strategies may be applicable to your family. It may be that as your son matures and becomes more used to having a sibling, things may become easier. www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/positive-discipline-when-toddler-hits-baby

Of course it's difficult and resources are sparse which I mentioned.

but there needs to be a break here for that baby. If the dad can take the 4 year old and stay with family for a few days or even book a hotel.
just to give the baby (and the OP) some breathing space.

and to PP who said there's dangerous advice on this thread from uninformed people. People like me have been on the receiving end of abuse from a child with SEN, there is nothing dangerous about sharing our experiences, highlighting how damaging it can be.

Abuse is awful and my heart goes out to anyone who has suffered. It's appalling and no one should ever have to have gone through what you did. No one should ever try minimise the harm or what you have gone through.

I mentioned misinformation and what I meant is the people who are jumping 50 steps ahead and going straight to the OP phoning social services to have him removed. This would never be a first step, removal is only done when all other interventions and supports have failed and it's clear that these haven't been implemented.

And of course the baby needs to be kept safe, absolutely no one is denying it. I would hope that someone (health visitors, social services) would work with the OP with a plan to keep the baby safe, to support the son and the OP. This would require a much more in dept assessment than what we have here.

It's a very complex situation, there are a lot of needs to meet but all these cries of telling the OP she needs to be putting her son in care as a first resort are not going to be helping matters.

@WhaleRiders as PP have said, the equanimity you are showing in the face of some of these responses is admirable. I would hazard your children have an empathetic, responsive and emotionally mature role model and you are exactly what they need.

Op have you been referred to OT for assessment in the last meeting I had about my son we were discussing his challenging behaviour and something was mentioned about a stable door ,the idea being if the behaviour becomes overwhelming, I could lock the stable door behind him to put distance between us but I can still see him at all times
Just a thought ,but there are other things an OT can arrange, to mske the home safer for all.

Sadly, I'd have to agree with this. They cannot coexist in the same house safely. Either he needs to be in residential care where they can effectively manage his behaviour or your daughter will end up in care, if he doesn't kill her first. Heartbreaking situation whichever way it goes.

There is no residential care for three year olds.

I am very sorry for the situation you are in.

I havnt managed to read all the replies but what about housing?

You say you are in a small two bed property could you apply for Social Housing in a larger home that might make keeping him away from your daughter easier?

many years ago now I met a woman with an autistic 7 year old son, he also had Bi Polar disorder and could be very aggressive so he was going to a specialist boarding school. Nit an option now but it might be in the future

Hugs to you OP. You are obviously taking this very seriously, and that's what your children need.

You cannot be the first family in modern Britain to be in this situation, so seek professional input. You don't have to cope with this on your own.

How many people do you know that can afford to run two homes