To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

What an ignorant thing to say.

The child is being injured daily. It is too late.

Nothing ignorant about it. Someone needs to step in professionally before something awful happens, it already is really. The baby’s safety has to come first.

Newbold hope are a charity you should contact, along with seeking help from social services. The most important thing now is to keep them apart.

While I don't disagree with yoru sentiment, the child needs to be out of the house, your wording certainly sounded as though you were acusing her of being a shit mother.

People come here for help, not to be pounded on my virtue signallers.

That's just a nasty thing to say.

The OP is trying to keep both her children safe with probably minimal support. There is not a load of help out there just waiting for you to go and ask for it. Years ago children presenting like DS would have been taken into residential care and institutionalised for the rest of their lives, with very little done to support their development and meet their needs. Basically left to rot.

Of course the baby needs protecting, and that's a priority in this situation. However, there's a chance (due to hereditary nature of certain disabilities) that the baby might present with the same behaviours later on. Are you going to suggest they get rid of her too?

@WhaleRiders I'm really sorry that your family are in this difficult situation. It can't be easy for any of you, both kids included in that. You probably need to see your GP asap to find out what your local pathway for support is in these situations and get him/her to make an emergency referral. If GP is no help, then your next stop is probablely self-referral to social services. It is clear you all need urgent support for safety reasons, and with this level of danger, SS in your area might be able to send in care workers to help care for your child at home so that certain hours you can safely take care of the baby.

Has anyone assessed DS for sensory triggers? Have you and DH been taught co-regulation strategies? If finances allow, I would get DS seen by a Sensory OT (if its not available on your NHS Trust) asap. This might help reduce the agressive behaviour massively, and make home a safer calmer place.

Wishing you lots of strength and good luck going forward.

Thanks, you said it better than I did. What a horrible reply that was.

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this OP, it sounds horrific. What family support do you have around you?

It’s not virtue signalling to be genuinely horrified that a baby’s being hurt daily. I completely understand the mum’s situation is desperate and she needs real help, but acknowledging how serious it is isn’t the same as attacking her. I just don’t think this kind of crisis should rest on strangers online.

Are there residential placements for children that young? Because if so I'd be pushing for that before the baby winds up seriously injured or worse.

Saying that you hope someone reports her because it is clear she isn't going to do anything isn't an attack? FML.

I have a relative with a learning disability in my family OP who we also had to watch because they could inadvertently hurt younger visiting children. I really feel for you, it's an incredibly difficult situation that you're in. You need to safeguard your daughter from your son (it's not fair she's at risk and scared), but equally it is not your sons fault and you need to safeguard him too (shutting him in a room temporarily to safely manage/diffuse a situation is one thing, but you cannot - as some posters have suggested - lock him in a room as a solution. That would be hugely distressing for him and be abusive).

I think that what you're doing now isn't working - your son sounds unhappy, your daughter is scared and being attacked, and you are at the end of your tether. Also at some point your system might fail and your son is able to get to your daughter when you're not there (eg overnight, if you are on the toilet etc). I think you need support and professional input, and urgently. This is a really challenging situation. I would contact your GP and also speak to your sons nursery and social services. And any relevant charities people suggest.

As others have said, I think you also need to minimise the risk as much as you possibly can - carry your daughter and remove anything that your son could hurt her with (eg books, hard toys, etc). Use strong stair gates. I'd also consider a high up bolt (at the very top of the door so your son can't access) on the door where your daughter sleeps (I'm guessing it's in with you?) so your son can't access that room when she's asleep. Although that needs careful thought to make sure your son or daughter can't become trapped.

I wish you luck, it's an incredibly difficult situation. Please reach out to some professionals as I think this is only going to get harder for you.

@WhaleRiders The SEN board might be a good place for your question. There will be lots of people there who have been through similar experiences.

You’re clearly determined to be offended. I’ve clarified my point and I’ll leave it there.

Please do. You've been exactly zero help

I'm so sorry OP, how unbelievably stressful and upsetting for you.

As an immediate solution I would get a sling and keep your baby in it as much as possible, so that she's physically away from the 4yo.

You then urgently need therapeutic support for your son and for you. Ask your health visitor and GP for advice on the best thing for him - some combination of medication, therapy or psychiatric input will help you to improve things. Do you have the means to pay for additional support?

If a full time nursery place isn't available could you hire a nanny to be at home with you so you have another adult on hand to help manage his behaviour?

A lot of people are determined to be offended when it comes to abuse and SEN.
there's thread after thread on this web page with young kids (lots of girls) getting assaulted and abused by SEN kids, but the protection just isn't there for the victims when SEN is involved. You see it on here all the time. 'You're talking about a disabled child' - yes, I know, but regardless of the child's disability it's not going to aid the pain or make the attacks any less impactful for the victim is it? This is a young baby being hit and injured.

I am a prime example of not being protected. There was a boy with Asperger's on my estate who always hung around with us younger girls playing. The parents pushed it and pushed it because he 'had special needs.'

the boy raped me when I was 8 years old.

women and girls need protecting, no matter the relation, age or disability and I'm sick to the back teeth of it getting down played on here.

before i get flamed, i an ND myself and so is my DD.

I have no experience of this but just wanted to say I wouldn’t judge anyone in this situation. It’s one of those you never thought would be you and no-one is equipped to deal with it when it is.

I watched a BBC iPlayer program (I think) on some women with pre-teen/teen DCs who had complex needs. Mostly boys. They were subjected to what I can only describe as being beaten up and physical attacks on a very regular basis (including A&E trips) and got such little support. It was awful for everyone involved including the DC.

Get support as early as you can and take care of yourself too.

People who are saying 'just have him removed from the home and put into care' seem to think this is a lot more simple than it actually is, on both an emotional and a practical level.

This is the OP's own child. If he needs residential care one day, then so be it, but I don't think many parents would find it at all easy to put their own four-year-old into care, no matter how difficult the situation.

OP, you've had much better and more compassionate advice here than you're getting from the people saying 'lock him up' or 'have him removed', so I hope you'll get some professional support. This must be an incredibly difficult situation for you; I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be on every level.

Another thing there seems to be an impression that there is no potential for improvement in the longer term, while there are no guarantees even with a developmental delay children do develop over time.

Also decisions made for an older child might have less traumatic impact than those for a 4 year old.

@HeyGuysItsNicole what happened to you is horrific, I'm so sorry.

I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok that the baby is being hurt. But it really isn't the case that OP just phones SS and they'll step in and remove the disabled child. The problem is finding the support that is desperately needed to get the family out of crisis.

Your own history is going to make this all super triggering for you but here OP is looking for mechanisms to keep her baby safe. I think the solution many PPs seem to be serving up to her - having the older one put into care - is deeply, deeply unrealistic. That doesn't mean I think it's fine for the baby to be in danger. No one is saying that's ok. But options for families in this situation are very limited and OP needs professional advice, not people making incorrect assumptions about what is possible.

This is so well put. Also, applies to people suggesting that the 4 year old is medicated. It isn't going to happen, it just doesn't work like that.

OP does need to tell Children’s Social Care though, because there have been incidents where a 6 month old baby (and presumably when she was younger too) has not been protected from serious harm and there is a risk of further significant harm.

Some of the suggestions on here are pretty solid and some are also coming from extensive experience. I have two severely disabled children and they have both been very violent in the past. Touch wood (definitely don't want to tempt fate), we have been able to prevent any real harm because we have learnt (very fast) how to adapt to the situation.

OP - when my eldest was 4 he was really violent, completely non verbal and it was a nightmare. He is now verbal and so gentle and cries at the thought of other people getting hurt. You really never know how they'll develop.

So many posters seem to think you can just phone social services, say the sibling is in danger and they’ll wave a magic wand and find him a wonderful local adoptive family, it just doesn’t work this way. Social services prioritise the highest risk children - kids that are being beaten up by their parents, or the parents are addicted to drugs and prostituting, or the parents are in jail/dead. OP’s son is not going to come close to the top of this list - and it’s doubtful they would consider DD at the top of the list either as her brother is 3 and therefore not seen as a violent neglectful adult.

I mean if one of the hurled toys has caused a skull fracture (quite easy on a newborn baby), Children’s Social Care absolutely will be intervening. I agree with another poster though, if it ever got to removal stage it would be the baby who was removed, not the older child.

Father is great, lives with us but is usually out at work from 7.30-6.30. As I’m on mat leave I’m alone with them during the week. Weekends are easier.

Daughter has a full-time nursery place from when I go back to work in 6 months (different nursery from her brother as he needed one with better SEN experience). So I am hoping that things will become easier.