To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

Do you have space for a robust playpen? One in it one out of it?

Or a travel cot in the living room which he can't reach over?

Failing that I would probably try your daughter in a sling around the house that way she's at your level and you can turn your back quickly if required.

It's not ideal but a temporary solution.
Do you have any SENS charities nearby which can offer practical advice and support groups to you?

Would also say start teaching him sign language either BSL or Makaton that way he can communicate to reduce the frustration level.

Long term you need to look into moving house as feasibly they can't be in the same room for safety reasons.

There are lots of sensible steps you can take before the major ones mentioned above!

• Stairgates around the house
• id remove anything he can pick up and throw or hurt her with. The only toys are in her room where you can lock/ shut the door. This sounds extreme, but not as extreme as putting your child into care
• out of the house as much as possible, for all your sakes
• medication

That’s vile. Don’t lock a disabled 4 year old in a room OP. Or any child for that matter.

Even though your son is only young, do you have an Education, Health & Care Plan (EHCP) for him? If not, please ask nursery to start the process or you can do that yourself.
I am a retired Headteacher and we had twin boys who sound very much like your son. They were with me one term, and then got a placement in a Special School Nursery Class. We had funding from the Local Authority for additional staff for the term they were with me.
It must be so hard for you, the twins’ mum said she couldn’t have another baby because her boys would kill it, not intentionally, but because they had no understanding of danger/harmful behaviour. Having the twins in nursery, I fully understood what she meant and empathised with her.
Have you contacted Children’s Services? They may offer Early Help, who could come round once a week. Don’t worry about seeking help and support, it can literally be a lifeline for you.
Is there a specialist group at your local children’s centre? The twins used to go to a Special Needs group once a week without mum. I think Portage were also involved, although your son is almost too old for their services.
Sorry if this is a lot of information, but you and your children really do sound like you need help and support, there often is some out there it’s just a case of knowing where to go.
I really do hope you get some support, extra nursery sessions or anything else that will help you and your children.

The problem with this is that it's all predicated on him staying small. As he gets bigger this won't work.

He's going to grow, as will his sister. It will become increasingly difficult to keep them apart when they're both mobile.

It is better to get help now rather than wait until it's too late and his sister ends up seriously injured or worse.

OP, all my sympathy, and I hope you get expert support

A friend who's son had ADHD found melatonin, which she bought online, helpful as it helped her DS to sleep through the night, which helped him to regulate during the day. Perhaps this could help your son too?

Are there any grandparents who could provide respite for even a couple of hours?

A 4 year old child needs his parents too. With specialist interventions he may well adapt over time. He likely has incredibly heightened fight or flight systems and sensory systems, a baby may be wreaking havoc with his feeling of safety and his sensory system.

These issues can be worked on with proper interventions. The OP needs support that helps keep her baby safe and luckily with a 6 month old many mothers can keep them very close at hand even at night time and by getting a good routine for her son away from the home via nursery/school and keeping her daughter by her side she might be able to strike this balance.

Hopefully with support this can improve significantly.

You realise you’re talking about a FOUR year old with the understanding of an 18 month old? Do you think all other 4 year olds are fully formed and their future paths set in stone like that? Thought not!

At just let him run rampage?

I'd have baby in sling on me or in a play pen in same room - in such way he can't get to her. I had two velco babies and toddlers so got very used to carrying most of the time and making sure side with baby was away from toddlers.

I'd also do extreme house safety set up - removing heavy objects or making it so he can't throw such things at all.

I'd also try and set up safe outdoor space for DS - as may have calming effect and try and get him as active as possible in day. You do need safe ways to seperate them completely no exceptions ever and vigilance when baby carried by you.

You also need to talk to HV and GP and get as much support as possible.

You’re very ignorant if you think the only options are let him rampage or lock him away. Why is it always the people who don’t know what they’re talking about who are the most sure of themselves?

I would go to your HV or GP and explain the situation and ask for help. He is very young but there are services that could help. There may be a respite service but he is possibly too young for that. On a practical level I would do as others have suggested, baby in a sling so you can move away, baby gates to divide off areas of the home, big robust play pen, but I think I would just carry the baby around unless there's another adult around to help.

Personally I would tell
social services I can’t cope with him and need him removing from my home for everyone’s safety

What is his disability? You need professional support from people who understand it!

That sounds so frightening, OP.

Please follow up some of the suggestions here for getting as much help and support as possible.

Is his father in the picture? Would it be possible for him to live with his dad?

Sorry but I think your son needs professional help in a setting away from your baby - he could easily kill her. It’s a difficult decision but I don’t know how you can carry on with this terrifying situation.

This

Ok, this is all very difficult and high risk. Practical measures you can take:

1. Never, ever let him get within reach of the baby. Make sure you can prevent everything. You put your baby in a carrier (you can get baby bjorns on eBay for £20) and carry her everywhere.
2. Ask Children’s Services for a disabled child's social care assessment. Specifically ask them to fund a Safe Space bed or safety sleeper as a matter of priority. In the meantime apply to Newlife and Family Fund for these items.
3. What kind of school does he go to because that influences my next advice?

This is a child that you are talking about, who no doubt the OP is rather attached to. She needs help, so maybe talking to SS is a step in the right direction. Hopefully this thread will be of some help for her, as the situation sounds highly stressful.

I agree with the toys thing. Only have toys like those fabric balls, cloth books, stuff suitable for babies - get rid of everything.

There is no way OP will be given medication.

There's an episode of Born to be Different where William's dad says if we did these things to his little sister (Jess) she'd be taken into care, but because it's her brother doing it no one seems to care. They were fighting for a place in residential school for him, which long term they won, but obviously this was for a much, much older child.

You need proper specialist advice. Do you have Portage or early help? Talk to charities for people with intellectual disabilities and behavioural challenges. Long term probably you'll need more locks on doors than most people have, a safe space enclosed bed for him etc.

My amateur ideas, they need separate spaces. I used to put up a baby gate between our living room and dining area and we'd get toys out almost at the doorway, so we were still "together" but the children were physically separated. A really good play pen, or more robust, taller version of the same idea, will probably be necessary. Don't use pressure fit gates, get the type that screw into the door frame. They are safer long term too as there is no floor bar to trip over. I also used to gate across the kitchen doorway and cook dinner with baby in high chair or sling and toddler on other side of stairgate.

Your main living area needs to be super toddler proof. Perspex box or cabinet round the TV etc. Baby probably needs to be in arms much of the day. Really lean into her getting opportunities when he is out - not necessarily "big ticket" things but just age appropriate toys that she can manipulate undisturbed. Keep him out of her bedroom 24/7 so there is a space she can trust is "safe".

If he gets DLA, consider spending some of it on a mother's help . Or if you have wider family could someone give you a couple of hours a week to be a spare pair of hands? It's incredibly difficult to meet both their needs when they are both still so tiny and there's only one of you.

Yeah Mumsnet isn’t the place for this OP. People are too reactionary and black and white. Start by speaking to those who know your son - GP and nursery for a start, any specialists he has through his disability. Protect your own peace, Mumsnet won’t help in that regard I’m afraid x

Medication for son?

Oh gosh, that sounds so difficult. I would do the following:

Put baby gates on every door in the house
Have a table in every room you can put her in on a bouncer where he can’t reach her
Utilise nursery as much as possible - both kids alternating days if possible
Make the garden safe and enclosed so he can be outside while you’re inside occasionally
Spend a lot of time on walks so baby can be in sling

🙄