To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

Please see my above point about disabled children being people too

You stop them from failing by NEVER stepping away. Always being in between them or taking one with you. Ah but how do I do housework? You don't. You do it while they sleep. My eldest didn't sleep until midnight so I'd sleep with him I told baby woke up, feed her, go down, clean for 2 hours, feed baby again. Get in bed, husband would get up with kids from 5 onwards and I'd sleep until he needed to get ready for work. Then during the day I put baby in a sling to make food or did it while she napped. Or prepped the night before. And we went out a lot because it was easier when he was occupied and well exercised. But I did nothing productive when home alone with the kids, eldest ideally needed 1-1 supervision and as that wasn't entirely possible I just never moved more than 10cm from them. He very rarely landed a hit or scratch, I could count on 1 hand, because I was close enough to grab him and he is and was super fast. But you essentially do nothing other than provide very very constant care and supervision.

A terrible way to live, stressful and exhausting, physically and mentally, not possible for a long length of time.

Much, much superior to letting one of my children go which seems to be what others are suggesting.

And also it was a time filled with love and closeness and cuddles. Kids who are volatile are still kids who are cute and funny and adorable at times. I love both my kids very very deeply and their capabilities and behaviours don't impact that. It's our job as parents to find a way to manage it.

Also it was preceded by years of infertility and having my babies has been so massively superior to wanting and not having them. The laughter and joy and also the increased laughter and joy over time has been amazing. Watching them both grow and learn, it's rough advocating for my eldest at times, getting him to school, managing appointments, dealing with meltdowns but without that I wouldn't have the kid who loves and cares as deeply as he does, who is so thoughtful and kind when he's not dysregulated and who can be kept well regulated almost all the time now.

Do you have kids?

It only needs to be possible for a few years. Then you have a 4 yr old and a 7 yr old and life is very different

A few years? That’s torture for the OP to live like that!

Is it? Because I did it

Do you have children?

Yes, two and I couldn’t do it

And if one had a disability? How do you think you'd manage this?

But the Op shouldn’t have to, it’s not living , it’s a terrible existence!

Imagine your kids are entirely as they are now, then the eldest suffers a brain injury. You're so glad they survived but the come home different, need to relearn how to act with their siblings. What would you do? Ship them off

God knows! I couldn’t spend my days trying desperately to keep one of them safe from the other. Grateful I didn’t have to be put through such a terrible test !

She hasn't got much of a choice despite the many posts telling her to surrender her child.
You have to split yourself in two.
My DS was similar until he was 6/7 he's a different child now, it takes a lot of work and interventions, we were very poor for years paying for different sessions, his school is amazing, until then, you have to sleep with one eye open.
His sister loves him too, something that I never believed would happen.

Well hopefully neither of your children ever becomes disabled. Or if they do hopefully you find a way to still love them and find the joy. And there is so much joy and I would t swap my children for any other children and I tell them daily. And they are flourishing. Both of them.

Are you religious? Who do you think is testing me?

I'm interested in your thoughts on child dla? Often when people hold these extremely ableist views they also inexplicably think DLA for children with autism, brain injuries, ADHD is nonsense and you're just being up you're own kids.

If the older boy with SEN was removed temporarily at least, and parents didn't push and force me to be around him, maybe, perhaps, he wouldn't have raped me when I was primary school age.

but yeah, let's always keep these kids together. It's always the 'best thing to do.' And PLEASE don't sit there and say I'm jumping the gun here, the OP has clearly stated this boy could possibly kill this baby. Which is worse than rape as there's no coming back from that.

It sounds like there was a lot at play there and generally parents not listening to one of their kids over time. I'm very sorry you suffered this, there was siblings abuse in my mum's family and I know the devastation it causes. I'm so sorry for what you went through. As kids grow older I absolutely agree there may come a point where separation is the only option and it sounds like it should have been in your case. However with a 4 yr old it can be managed while you wait to see how the situation develops. What was the age difference if you don't mind me asking? You've lived my absolute worst nightmare as a parent. 1 child irrevocably hurting the other. I'd hope I'd do all I could to avoid that happening and if it did I'd never forgive myself. I definitely think being aware of harder choices as kids get older is a realistic view. So far we seem to be having ongoing improvements thank God but I know that doesn't happen for all

Thank you I appreciate your comments. There was a lot at play. The boy wasn't immediate family but was in the vicinity of immediate family and also conveniently lived a few doors up.

I was 8, he was 14, just turning 15.
he made impulsive sexual urges towards me and it happened overnight. There was never ever any clue of it happening and my parents watched us like a hawk. His.. his didn't so much. We weee pushed to include him due to his SEN (Asperger's) and were told he mentally was a lot younger.
it came out of nowhere. We were innocently playing with water balloons with my younger cousins. There was a very small alley way with a slight corner in it between mine and his house. He told me we should trick the others and fill up the balloons with his garden tap.
he led me up the alley way, grabbed my face and forcefully kissed me and spat at me, undid his trousers and forced his penis into my mouth. It only took a second. It felt like a life time but it was realistically probably only a minute at tops. I didn't even know it classed as rape until recent years as it wasn't vaginal.

the dad actually saw what was happening from the bedroom window, he came running out screaming his name. The house went on the market the very next day and he moved away.

it haunts me to this day. I spent most of my childhood with him up until this point and at no point did he ever show any sexual impulsivity. At all. But saying that, I was 8, I didn't know what sexual urges were or what they looked like. So who knows.

I never reported it. I am thinking about reporting it now, as it's come to light he did this to another in the family, one of my cousins who was 6 months younger than me.

perhaps this is why the whole inclusivity' gets to me so much. That boy shouldn't have ever been around any children up until an age where he was strong enough to over power children. Nobody could have stopped it. Nobody knew he was capable of it.

and I've spent the last 2 decades feeling disgusting and dirty because the impression I had from his parents was 'he doesn't know, he has Asperger's.' I'll be the first to admit it's clouded my view for sure.

this is the first time I've ever spoken about or told the full story. To anyone.

God that's awful I'm so sorry. That's neglectful parenting on their part though. Being in denial about a child's capabilities can be a real problem. Was it the 80s? We ran in big groups of kids of different ages and there were very uncomfortable situations that arose. I don't know why those in my parents generation are so keen we should all be sending our kids out to run in bands like that when those of us who grew up in that 'freedom' know what happened.

It's a very brave step to share your story. I hope you do find the strength to report it. It sounds utterly horrific what you went through, of course it's going to cloud your view that's understandable.

I've written enough on my views on the whole post but wanted to acknowledge the bravery of sharing your story and hope you receive what ever support you need with processing this awful event.

Strange response! Of course I don’t think such conditions are nonsense! No one knows how they will react when faced with such a problem! I may well have coped, sometimes you feel an inner strength if there’s no help available. I did have some problems, trials and tribulations, but nothing as bad as this. I feel for the OP, I admire how she’s trying to do her best to solve this. I’m not particularly religious,I just mean it would be a test of my coping mechanism. Of course l love them whatever!

Telling someone their life is your version of hell doesn't come over admiring or positive in anyway btw

I just said I don’t think I could cope what the OP is facing every day, but when we have to we do. I just hope she gets some respite and help.