To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

Yeah, sorry this is what I mean. No doctor will medicate a 4 year old with a learning disability. It just doesn't happen anymore.

And yes only buy toys that can’t be used hit or thrown - soft toys, cloth books, lightweight plastic that can’t do any damage.

This is so hard and my heart goes out to you - nonverbal autism seems to be the absolute hardest disability to manage, beyond Down Syndrome or anything like that, because the understanding is so limited and the gross motor skills/aggression so high.

Agree. That poster’s head is firmly in the clouds

Although it’s phrased badly, is it wrong as such? It’s like having an XL bully in the house - if you’re 100% dedicated to closing stair gates and being super careful in theory there shouldn’t be a risk. But humans make errors, you can’t guarantee total mental presence all the time, and 1 forgetful moment would come at a very high price.

Long term, this could be an option. He may not be aggressive in a few years, but if he is (and nonverbal autism usually has elements of aggression, not necessarily deliberately but as part of frustration/distress) then there’s no way they’ll be able to contain him using stair gates and lifting DD out of reach. It’ll be a recipe for a serious injury.

I really do feel for OP, I know several people in similar positions and their lives are hell. There should be more help out there

The problem with all the tinkering around the edges with stairgates, trying to keeping them separate, taking away hard toys (as though it's impossible to harm someone with a cloth book or a fuzzy ball - a baby could very easily be suffocated with one) is that none of them are long-term solutions.

If / when these fail and the sister is seriously hurt or worse, then OP and her partner are the ones who will be up in front of SS trying to justify why they couldn't safeguard their daughter, with the possible end result of the removal of both children, assuming both children are still alive.

Locking him in a room isn't a solution either.

OP and partner need to start things in motion to remove him from the home, even temporarily, while professional help is sought. It seems drastic I know, but this is a drastic situation.

What do you suggest? There’s no help out there. And would you be able to afford to rent/buy 2 homes? We couldn’t.

I thought with this kind of autism they just get more violent and aggressive and they get older and cause harm and destruction to everyone in their path?

Also you say no garden, which is a real challenge. If you are up to it, a regime of walks/playground runs can help with regulation. Maybe twice a day, morning and evening - some people even say that boys need to be walked like dogs! If you had an older child this would likely happen anyway, twice a day for the school run, with probably baby in buggy and 3yo variously walking or whatever they will comply most with, for up to an hour twice a day. It might sound a lot but people do do it. School run is always twice as long for younger sibs as it is for YRs.

Private OT might be able to help with regulation. Amateur advice is stick a heavyish backpack on older one, which turns the walk into "heavy work" which is super grounding and satisfying for some kids.

I suggest what I posted on page one. Seeking a voluntary care order under Section 20 because he is beyond parental control.

I completely agree. Behavioural management techniques will take time to work and this little girl needs to be kept safe NOW. It's unacceptable for her to be kicked, slapped, bitten and hit with objects daily. Your immediate priority has to be making sure she is safe.

Yes, don't lock him in a room. Soft toys are not a risk though if she is sat beside your baby and the 4 year old is playing with soft toys not hard ones. No one can really be hurt from a 4 year old throwing a cloth book. The baby cannot be suffocated if an adult is sat beside it.

Although I do agree that it never should have got to a point that a baby was slapped, hit and bitten and she has already come to significant harm.

Isn't this exactly what the NSPCC and Social Services is for? If you fear for your child's safety you need to get help. Please do not think that these services are for "bad parents", they are there to help with situations exactly like this. They can help to sign-post you to help and resources so that you can manage your son's behaviour and protect your daughter, please don't try to manage on your own and ask for help.

We had to essentially proof out house to keep children seperate when younger due to sen.
Every door had one of those large metal gates designed for dogs.
Every cupboard had locks
We separated kitchen diner into two so no access to the kitchen.
I had 2 year gap so oldest one would go in playpen while I took baby.
Eldest bedroom ws mde into a safe room with padded everything and lots sensory chill out things
When put anb about used phil and Ted double as older dc could sit underneath happily enough

No, that’s not at all what they’re for. Possibly if DS was teenage and DD was turning up to school with bruises, but right now he’s a small child and I’m not sure what kind of intervention you expect them to provide?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

I didn't clock there was no garden - I would still try and get him outside as much as possible to run the energy off.

It tough but seperation and constant viglance only thing that will long term work in the house - so stair garden and play pens - we used to have a large one that could also be a room divider .

You could see if
https://www.home-start.org.uk/ are in your area for some additional support - are there any charities for the condition he has?

Anecdotally I've heard that in these situations SS can push to take the gentler child into care. It makes sense on a population level. If it really gets that desperate there are a lot more foster carers, kinship carers and adopters who'll take a non-disabled 1 year old than an older child with these behaviours and needs. Neither child is at fault here and the system is not designed for the parents to pick their favourite.

I agree with you it is a very serious situation but as always with a child with a disability you're fighting on multiple fronts at the same time - the immediate future ie how do we get through tomorrow and the day after - but also the longer term, bigger picture stuff. She needs both, but sometimes you can't really choose and the world shrinks to getting through today, or just the next hour.

You need professional help with this, as a matter of urgency. I feel for you as it's obviously an incredibly difficult situation and not easily handed. You can't simply lock a child in a room and that's problem solved.
Sending you best wishes and all the luck in the world.

Yes they can, if you call the NSPCC they can give you advice and sign-post you to organisatoons that can help. Social services also have a Children with Disabilities team, who are experts in situations like this.

Are social services involved? Is the nursery linked to a school with a sendco who can assess and start an EHCP process? Can the nursery pinpoint other services you can access? Lots of voluntary organisations out there depending on where you live where someone might have some ideas or just provide a listening ear.

He needs removing from the home. Either separate houses with the father or social services.

this boy is at risk of killing a baby, he hurts her with weapons and she is frightened in her own home. she is a BABY.

The OP can self refer to SS

Of course you would, if it meant your 6 mo th old baby was getting clubbed, beaten and possibly killed! JFC

One of the worst things I’ve read here. I hope the neighbours or someone reports you because it doesn’t seem you’re going to do much yourself and before long it’ll be too late. Your poor daughter. Frightened at 6 months and having to endure being abused daily.

This is exactly what she should do. The SS Children with Disabilities team can help op with the best interests of both her children. There's no way she should be trying to cope with this situation on her own.