To not expect our dc to just buy us a house regardless of our living situation

[Delacorde]

Ok so the short story is me dh and 2 dc live in a HA house that has turned out to be a nightmare due to living next door to complete nightmares for neighbours. We have experienced ASB at it’s finest but the HA aren’t interested in helping. So we saved up a small deposit to buy a house and we found one, paid to have a survey done, got approved for a mortgage we could (just) about afford and all was looking good but sadly due to complications on the sellers end and personal issues due to a divorce we are 9 months down the line and things haven’t progressed. We can’t walk away as we realistically cannot afford anything else. We viewed a couple other properties in our price range but they needed tons of money spending on them money we just don’t have. So this is where the AIBU comes into it.

Our ds age 23 who still lives with us invested in stocks/shares/crypto a few years ago and is doing very well for himself. I think the last time her brought up the subject they have (before they pay their tax bill in January) around £4M. He’s doing amazing and considering ds is very shy, hated uni, and isn’t a people person as such they have found their niche what their good at and plan on investing eg buying property. I honestly couldn’t be prouder of him.

So because of how well he is doing I’ve hard various friends and family members including my parents dsis and db ask me why I don’t just ask my ds to buy us a house and we pay him back like we would a mortgage. I was like no just no! I mean that money is for his future and why should he pay (literally) for our bad and stupid life choices eg renting all our lives and not getting on the ladder when houses were cheaper. It’s not his responsibility after all to look after us in such a way. Yet my friends and family think em and dh are ridiculous for not at least asking ds. Your thoughts?

I don’t know @user427654 it’s not my money.

Cool story bro.

If he's actually got millions then it would be quite reasonable for him to help. Why hasn't he offered??

You are being unreasonable, becausr there are other options. Such as he buys the property and you rent it from him and he still owns the asset.
He buys it and you draw up a proper contracted private mortgage saving thousands over the years and then can spend it on him if you choose.
He buys you a property and you leave it to him anyway in your wills.
He buys a property jointly with you, drawing up proper contracts. He puts in the shortfall between what you can afford and the property you want.
He buys a large property to live in permanently with an annexe that he rents to you.
He gifts you money to buy a property but you get a will drawn up that the property is left to him alone.
I think you would be foolish not to discuss some options with him as property is a good asset, just as stocks and shares and crypto are. It is also good for him to diversify his portfolio.

£3m in a current/savings account, really?

He must know the problems you are having? He wants to carry on living with you?
If he hasn't offered to help in any way maybe he doesn't want to or maybe he's just not thought of it. You could ask him to go shares and buy 50/50. If he said no then don't hold it against him.
If I had serious money and my parents were in dire straights I'd help them. In fact I did.

Does the ASB of the neighbours not bother him enough to think about moving out?

£3m in a current or savings account and not offering to help with moving or refurb or buying a nicer place for himself or his parents seems nuts.

Where did he get the initial funds to start his crypto/investment/magic beans portfolio?

Give your son a business proposition - buy the house and you’ll pay him X in interest.
or he buys the house and you pay him rent

I imagine what your friends are really thinking is this all sounds like bollocks, and if it's true why would his parents be living like that and/or wish you'd shut up about his wealth (why would your friends even know).

I don't know about buying outright, but I'd certainly be helping my parents get away from miserable living conditions.

If he’s got that much in bog standard current/savings, he isn’t much of an investor - therefore he DOESNT have that much. So he/you bullshitting.

It’s not a story @Chiseltip My ds has always been very good at understanding the ins and outs of investing/ bitcoin/crytpo and he managed to turn a profit from it. Tons of people have done similar so I don’t know exactly what is unbelievable to you?

@Delacorde if my adult child lives at home with me and has £3m available to access and doesn’t offer to lend family a loan to help them get out of an incredibly shitty housing situation I’d be rather unhappy with their character.

Personally I’d expect he could offer some help, you could even have a formal agreement drawn up by solicitors.

but to tell you he’s happy living at home and sitting on that money whilst you are desperate to move… wouldn’t be impressed.

if he used his money and moved out would you be able to buy and afford a smaller property?

I might be wrong but once you’re a tenant they don’t really check your household earnings anymore.

A friend lives in a HA house, in the meantime got married, her DH earns very well (not a millionaire, but between the 2 of them they must be hitting about 90k a year) and they’re still there… paying… £300/month………………..

If a lot of it is bitcoin, taking some out and putting it in property would be very wise, who knows where bitcoin will go. Whether you pay him back or just put in your will that the house will be his depends if he actually has money in his pocket or just nebulous funds in bitcoin, etc.

Same here: such an income ought to disqualify at least that son from living there (but also, why the hell is he still at home anyway?)

Whatever about that; has this son not offered any help throughout this house purchase at all? Maybe outright buying a house for OP to rent isn't on because he’s unsure rent would be paid. (Is illness a factor, for example?)
Can he not underwrite the work needing doing on one of the other houses OP fancies, if this one is definitely falling through?

Flashing a bank balance of millions while leaving OP stressing about thousands strikes me as lousy behaviour from a man still living at home. Does he anticipate moving house with his parents, too?

Im assuming that given you saved a deposit in a relatively short space of time, are currently in HA and could only just afford a mortgage we arent talking a 5 million pound mansion that you are looking to buy. It makes no sense that you wouldn't just ask him to loan you 50-100k or to even buy in with you, to enable you to find a place quickly. Something genuinely doesn't add with your story.

I wouldn't ask for the money flat out but maybe you ask for a loan to pay the difference to step up to another property?

Your son is actually a bit of a dick if he hasn’t already offered to help & sees you struggling, if he wasn’t with you then you could buy somewhere with one less bedroom so it’s fair to involve him in the discussion.

how much a month does he currently contribute to the household?

If this is true 🙄I would be ashamed of my son if he had that amount of money sat in his bank account whilst still living at home knowing full well that I was struggling financially and had awful neighbours who made my life a misery, I don’t know why you are feeling proud that you haven’t asked him, you shouldn’t have to ask, he should offer, I bet you don’t charge him board either and do his laundry 🙄

If he buys a house, if this is real, then he would pay crapload on stampduty when buying his one.
At best you could ask him for a loan towards deposit to be able to get better house. Whether he wants it repaid or not is a different matter to him having name on the house

Your son is either full of shit or is a selfish arse. Only you know which

I guess I'm just slightly confused. Assuming he's not earning this in payroll income, it's quite unusual to leave that kind of money sitting liquid in a current account where it's not really earning its keep, and also unusual to leave that much in one bank.

Certainly our financial adviser has us move liquid cash into short term high yield accounts so it's earning high interest but available if and when we need it.

I'm another one who's finding it surprising that someone with such financial nous would be making such a basic error.

Your son is good and savvy enough with money to have amassed a £3M fortune by his early 20s. But not savvy enough to have moved some of this money out of current/savings accounts.

All the while living with his parents in shit conditions.

OK. Great.

That

if I had 4 million I would be buying my dad whatever home he wanted or paying his rent if he chose to stay where he was. Plus a new car and a nice holiday and the rest
my dad would give me his last penny

I think it's a bit shit of someone to live in their parents house and very likely be subsidised by them, watch their parental suffer throiyghawful neighbours, be in a position to help them at very little or no impact to themselves...and just not help them. I know children in significantly worse financial position than your son, who have helped parents or other family members.

So I think they are saying 'why don't you ask him when they mean 'why hasn't he offered, as I'd have done that for my parents'