Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

Leave her alone. She's intentionally made it this difficult to contact her, with or without good reason, and she's old enough to know that this means people may not be able to inform her about important issues. You've done your bit. Sorry for your loss.

Does her dad literally not know anybody who is in contact with his daughter? Presumably her granddad who died has not kept in touch with her either What a sad situation. It would be good to let her know in time for the funeral, but the situation sounds much bigger than that.

She's decided to go no contact. This is the reality of it.

I wouldn't be messaging work colleagues by Instagram. That seems a step too far.

I wouldn’t message a work colleague but given you don’t get a response from her, you haven’t heard from her for years and you don’t actually know that she is even still alive you could ask for a welfare check to be carried out. Assuming she is fine, you’ll then need to respect her wishes to be left alone.

Where's her mum in all this? Would messaging her be an option?

That's what I was going to ask.

No, don't send her anything through her work contacts.
You've tried your best. She doesn't want to have contact with you. That's her choice and you should leave her be.

Leave her alone. She doesn't want contact from you so respect her wishes, it's not about what you want.

Where is mum? Surely she’s the person to reach out to?

Don’t contact through her work. That would be the last thing she’d want surely. If youve told her on FB and on her last number what more can you do.
(Sounds like you could have checked in more during lockdown though, how could you not know she was living alone during such a hard time!)

If she is in touch with other family members - her mother? - then I think it's fine to pass on the message via them. But don't go trying to track her down online and involve third parties - that's not on, because she clearly has decided to be no contact, and part of the trade off is that it means she will necessarily be out of the loop in terms of family updates - sad and glad.

I wouldn't attempt to contact her through a person at work, but if you know where she works and her job title you could write to her there.

There are also companies that find people you've lost touch with but I'd expect to pay around £500-£600.

I wouldn’t contact a colleague - that puts her in a position where she could have people at work gossiping about her, or force her to share personal information she isn’t comfortable with.

I would consider writing to her at work if you’ve now found out where she is working - this can go to her directly so maintain privacy. I would make clear that you understand she doesn’t want contact and don’t intend to force anything, but felt she had a right to know about her grandfather and make informed choices about whether she wanted to attend the funeral.

Absolutely do not message her colleague, are you insane?? Do you know how inappropriate that is? I'm sorry but it's her grandfather, not a parent! She decided she didn't want to hear this news when she went NC and I'm sure there's more to the story so it's best that you respect her wishes and don't bother her.

Messaging a work colleague is going a bit too far as it is mingling work and personal life which she is unlikely to want. I would send a recorded next day delivery letter for her attention to the office with the death notice and a short note saying “Condolences, if you need to talk your dad’s number is xxx. Funeral is at x time on x date.”

Can you not contact her through her place of work rather than a colleague?

The second it’s a dad then it’s understandable.

In what world does losing contact with your children mean ah forget it?

Maybe my bar is way higher. My dd is 16. COVID or not I wouldn’t fuck off and leave her. Or maybe I misread your point?

I wouldn't go through a work colleague. I get why you want to contact her though. I'd contact someone on her mum's side of her family to ask them to pass on the message. Apart from that I don't see what else you reasonably can do. She'll have to accept it's part of the parcel of deciding to have no contact with Dad's side of the family and that you did indeed try to tell her.

Messaging her colleague, who is a complete stranger to yous really is breaking boundaries. Yous don't even know if they know each other, if they get along, if the colleague would be happy getting contacted, if your step daughter would be happy yous doing this. Absolutely do not do this. She has cut contact for a reason. Send a message on fb, if she gets it, great, if not, then at least yous tried.

I think you have all done what you can to let her know. I think contacting work colleague would be a step to far.

Don’t message her at work are you crazy

If i knew where she worked id contact HR with a message. Then leave it at that.

I wouldnt contact a colleague.

Don't embarrass her by messaging her at work.

It sounds like she has decided to cut you off. Not surprising tbh, given that her dad doesn't seem to have bothered with her during lockdown.

If it's possible to get a message to her via her mum or another family member, then I would do that, but don't go all stalker-like on her. She no doubt has her reasons for not wanting her dad in her life.

If you know where she works can you just send an email to her work email address?

What a drama llama. Leave her alone.