Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

My 17 year old niece is still in school. Still needs to talk through issues with friends and teachers and homework. Is fiercely independent one minute then needs a lot of emotional support the next.

my sister still goes with her to the dentist and doctor!

My heart breaks to think of her alone in a house during Covid with no one checking on her. I a sure she missed her mum every single day. That is neglect. Your husband is just horrible.

I cannot believe what I have read. Her father abandoned her when she was just 17 for his new partner.

He allowed her to live with her boyfriend at such a young age and was so unaware of her life and movements that when she moved back home he didn’t even know.

No wonder she’s gone NC - she’s been failed by her only living parent.

You didn’t know she had moved back home during Covid. For a 17 year old to not even mention this to her father means she knows he wouldn’t care where she was. Obviously this is true because no one actually bothered to find out how she was or where she was.
There's a reason a very young person has gone no contact, actually not even no contact she has made sure no one knows where she is and has totally disappeared, you seem to think all this is totally normal and she was fine as she had more money than the both of you (apparently)
Leave her alone she doesn’t want contact and I don’t blame her

Her mum passes away and dad abandons her.

Wow.

No wonder she doesn't want contact with her dad.

Rather than going through her colleague, why not ring her workplace directly and ask to speak to her. Way less messy.

Surely she wasn’t that close to her grandfather anyway as clearly he had no contact or apparent care for her either in the last 5 years.

As pp have said if she wanted to know about any of the family she’d have maintained a relationship with someone.

You appear to be ignoring all the comments about how how neglectful your husband has been and the damage he must have caused.

Its also incredibly sad that her mothers family don’t appear to have given a shit either.

leave her alone.

i have to assume both OP and her husband lack emotional intelligence.

OP will never see that this was a child who still needed parenting. I would say this young woman has very good reasons to want nothing to do with her dad and the wider families. No one seemed to have cared about her.

How on earth did her dad not know she was as living on the family home? Who was paying the bills, buying food, keeping the lights on?

OP, why do you think she wants no contact with you and her Father? Genuine question.

No just leave her alone. She's intentionally made it difficult to be contacted, because she doesn't want any contact. Whenever she's ready to re-establish contact, usually when she's had a child, she will. She understands the implications of going no contact, and she doesn't care. This has been my experience with older siblings who moved 6 + hours away. They were uncontactable during events, and realised a few years later how much things had changed. My mum was on oxygen and in a wheelchair and my father had become visually impaired. Numerous grandparents and an uncle has passed away. They now check in once a year!

There's your answer, Op. She doesn't want to be in any contact with you. Leave her alone.

That's a really good suggestion!

'We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.'

I'm glad to hear she is financially secure and you had a welfare check done at least to make sure she was ok. It was genuinely alarming to think of a young woman of 23 just abandoned by her only parent for the past 5 years. So many young people end up homeless or going missing when this happens so at least she is safe but has just made a decision to not be in contact.

I would cut you off too, what disgusting parenting.

"She's got plenty of money, more than us in fact. Fuck it, let's leave her to it.".....

The poor woman.

Oh and as a PP said, your Son sounds fucking worrying.

Anytime I see this dynamic in a family - one or more members going no or low contact - the reason is very very obvious.

Yes we all have different tolerance levels, and we all tolerate things to differing extents within our families. But certainly the few examples I know of where people have stopped contact I can absolutely see the issues that led them to that point.

It’s not up to you or your son it’s up to her family to find her. Seems like you don’t even know her. Her dad messaged her once a month and she replied, why didn’t he message her every day and she spent Covid alone is shocking. Leave the poor women alone no wonder she doesn’t want anything to do with yous and I don’t blame her. Obviously your standards are very low being involved with a ‘father’ who couldn’t give a fuck about his daughter.

That sounded so cool & funky, no? And you got to use that phrase - yay!

but here’s the thing: she could be NC for sooooo many reasons. She could be unwell, have MH issues, have reasons we’ve no idea about for the NC, but “drama llama” sounds so coooooool, so let’s go with that!

And let’s forget also all the many many posts on here where people ask advice re being or going NC, and the support and advice they receive. Since it’s such a cool phrase, let’s bin all that & a bit of compassion & reasoned thinking with it, tar’m all with the “drama llama” brush without knowing details & devoid of kindness. Quicker & cooler!

[ obvious sarcasm]

"...they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us"

She doesn't want to be contacted so leave her alone and stop trying to track her down. She must be aware that her grandfather could die and she wouldn't know, and she's OK with that. He didn't seem to bother with her while he was alive so why would you think she would even want to know, let alone attend his funeral?

This is quite possibly pne of the most horrifying posts i have read on her regarding step families.

That poor girl lost her mum, then her dad fucked off to live with you and rarely contacted her...no wonder the girl wants nothing to do with any of you. Ypu should all be utterly ashamed of yourselves. And I say that as a mum and a step mum.

Do not make an awful situation worse by contacting some random she works with. If you know the company name, send a recorded letter to her care of the company but otherwise you made your choices and now need to live with them.

While I agree with many of your points, 23 year old living alone in London is not a big thing. I emigrated from Eastern Europe in 2005 (many of my peers did) and I lived far away from family and friends, in a foreign country where I didn't know anyone. In that regard, she will be fine and she clearly manages.

So at no point during lockdown did her father check on his house (even from the outside), notice that the gas/electricity/water were being used or get any clue a human was there? He never video called her? Her grandfather who she was supposedly clise to wasn't in touch, nor other relatives who might have picked up on something? I'm not convinced but if it is true she's best away from him.

did she def get /read the cousins message on fb. May have gone into others ?

sad that she spent lockdown on her own if split with her bf. Why didn’t either of you check on her ?

dad is now your dh so did you marry without her there as well ?

so sad she has no family as mum died and her dad your dh hasn’t made an effort

he’s the adult and dad. She’s the child

def don’t contact colleague but send a letter to her work address or the dad to go there

This. She is a grown woman. Respect her choice.

Contacting via a co-worker is stalker levels of lunacy.

The police would find her. Police broke the news of my grandfather's death as no one had a telephone.

If you can find hr for the company then email them