Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

Absolutely staggered at the way your husband treated his child. What a disgrace of a man.

She's obviously made herself difficult to contact for a reason

Another person who can't believe your Dh just let his 17yo daughter go live with a boyfriend during covid and then seemingly just shrugged his shoulders when she stopped replying to his messages. Your DH basically abandoned his daughter, its no surprise she doesn't want contact

I wouldn't contact the work colleague, you have no idea as to her relationship with this person. Can your DS not find her on any other social media? It's unusual for a 23yo to not have any sm

We have found her Facebook and instagram. But if she doesn’t check message requests she won’t see these messages and we are pretty sure she doesn’t use the Facebook anymore, but apparently most people her age don’t.

She doesn’t want to hear from you. Leave her alone.

Whyyy another day another story of a woman picking up a looser of a man- did her father move in to your home like all the other waste of spaces? He abandonded his daughter when she was still a child and even now- its you making a post, your son trying to find her- where is he? Why is he not in a police station asking if they could help to locate her as he should be worried about her welfare- since years ago.

Just send a message to her facebook and instagram asking her to call her dad. Pretty awful he has lost contact with his own child after leaving her to live with you during covid.

Leave her be. She's made her feelings known so respect that. She's hardly likely want to attend. If she did she'd have kept some line of communication open.

This. It's bizarre that your partner just abandoned his DD to live her own life at only 17 years old and assumed she was living with a boyfriend. Was the boyfriend even a safe person for her to live with? She could have ended up homeless, especially since she was too young to be earning much. You say she had 'plenty of money' but it doesn't sound like it if she only had an apprenticeship. Student loans are not 'plenty of money' - she has to pay those back. London is an expensive city to live in - does she even have somewhere safe to live there?

Unless there is some major part of the story that you're leaving out e.g. a step-mother or aunt or other parent-figure that she is close to then we're talking about a 23-year old, on her own in London, with no family in her life, just left to figure things out with no support. I can't believe anyone would be that cold and uncaring with their own DC, especially when she has no mother to look out for her. I hope you don't have DC with this man. He sounds awful.

She’s 23 now, not a child. In 2020 when Covid happened she told us she was moving in with her boyfriend of 2 years for Covid. I didn’t want my partner to be alone so I told him to stay with me. She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers.
She then did a 3 year degree apprenticeship in England and then told us 2 years ago now she was moving to London for work and at the time we were still chatting a fair amount, she works in the finance world, she told us what her earnings were at the time and it’s frankly more than either her father or I make and that was 2 years ago. Plenty of 23 year olds live in London.
As for when she was doing her HNC she got over £1000 a month between bursary and loan as her father was a low earner, Scotland doesn’t do student loans the same as England. On top of that she was working 10 hours a week on above minimum wage, and received a dependents pension as her mother was a nurse that was over £400 a month. She was easily bringing in more money than many at 17!

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Jesus….

The poor woman. I wouldn't message the colleague. But if you do speak to her ever again, I hope your partner apologises.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us

This information should have been in the first post.

She has made her choice.

You sound equally as caring as your partner and are well suited to each other.
The young woman sounds like she has her head screwed on, and knows the score where the pair of you are concerned. Leave her alone.

i think you should message

She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers.

How did it not come up in conversation- wasn't her dad asking how things were, how's the boyfriend going etc. I find this mind blowing. It's clear the dad moved in with his new partner and forgot he had a daughter who wasn't even an adult yet.

Having read your update it is clear that you should leave this poor young woman alone. She has made a choice to go Non contact that you must respect.
You seem to equate financially ok with emotionally ok. You partner was a hugely neglectful parent. No wonder she has gone NC.

This is a heartbreaking thread. She was only 17 and her only living parent didn’t really care.

she was alone during a very scary time. No wonder she wants nothing to do with him. He abandoned her to live with his girlfriend.

it doesn’t sound like she wants a relationship with him now. And I can see why. She was not his priority at all.

how can you respect this man?

I think you should leave it now as she told the police not to pass on her details. She didn’t want her dad to be able to contact her. Some people do expect information to reach them when they have gone no contact (which is unreasonable) so I would write a factual timeline of the steps you have taken and draw a line under it.

Also you talk as if you are an equal parent in this. You aren’t. You only met her when she was 15.

most normal parents have a much stronger bond with their child than your husband clearly has. He let his 17 year old child clarify away. Showed very little concern for her. What an awful man

Poor girl

Leave this poor woman alone.

She wants NOTHING to do with any of you

The police can make contact in situations such as this I'm sure, or you could try emailing her work email address if you can find the convention for that company (e.g. [email protected])

I have a 17 year old, he is doing A Levels, he has a part time job and is learning to drive. He’s learning about bills etc and can manage all the household tasks.

what he can’t do is put all that together, and manage it all without guidance, he’s still a child who’s transitioning to adulthood. If he decided tomorrow he could manage all that himself with no more parenting I’d be worried sick.

what kind of awful parent was he that she would want this, and he would let it happen.

Do you have children with this loser? Hopefully not. What a guy eh? Also as you are not a family member, you need to butt out. It should be up to her dad to do this not his girlfriend.

That poor girl. She has clearly gone no contact for a reason and there’s more to this story than we are being told. Leave her alone.