Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

She clearly doesn’t want any contact with you. Don’t go messaging her colleague they may not even know each other.

She clearly doesn’t want any contact with you. Don’t go messaging her colleague they may not even know each other.

Sounds like it suited you both to not have her around. You and your husband sound pretty despicable people. I’m wondering what’s in it for you both to suddenly want contact.

You state that there was a police welfare check, and she told the police to not pass contact details onto her Dad. This speaks volumes, and in my mind means you don't try any further ways of contacting her. If your partner's daughter had wanted to have stayed in contact with anyone in her family, Grandfather included, she would have done so. She has clearly made the decision to have no contact with her Dad and his side of the family and also her Mum's side too. That's her choice. Unfortunately, when people do go 'non contact', it means that situations like this arise - it's part and parcel of not having contact. A friend of mine was dumped on a host family at 16, by her Mum, in my hometown, which was miles away from her actual home, to attend college. Her Mum was supposed to move down permanently with her but changed her mind!! She left my friend from the age of 16, to essentially fend for herself, with very little parental input. It led my friend to make poor choices in life, because there was no one to guide her or give her support where it was needed. She's now in her 40's and has a very fractured, uneasy relationship with her Mum and goes months without contact. I think she'd have zero contact but she's an only child, so it's not so easy to do.

It is absolutely baffling why you can’t understand why she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Of course she doesn’t, and unlikely ever will. Her father completely abandoned her in favour of shacking up with his girlfriend. That is abhorrent parenting which will likely leave her in counselling a long time. My dd is 17. Absolutely no way.

It’s the idea that the OP’s son is chasing down this woman that I find most disturbing

Don’t message the colleague, you’ve done your part of messaging the instagram, messaging random colleagues she may barely even talk to is overreach and invasive. She’s made her choice going no contact, that combined with the outcome of the welfare check has given you your answer as to whether you should be tracking down her colleagues on LinkedIn (no)

Don't contact her through a colleague. It's not fair on the colleague to put them in that position, and it's not fair on your step daughter that her private business is known in work. She's made it very clear she doesn't want to be contacted including the police welfare check last year. Respect that.

Is there more to this story?
I can’t get over her dad just allowing her to go and live with her boyfriend when she was 17 and then leaving her to it and not having any sort of relationship with her. That doesn’t just happen without good reason. Was she a difficult teen? Is he a terrible dad? Or am I just naive?!

This smacks of grief vulturism and generating drama for the sake of it. I can imagine how everyone in the family, especially OP, loves the juicy gossip of this "missing girl" (who clearly has gone voluntarily NC) and constantly talking about her. OP's son probably doesn't know her at all and has no skin in the game whether she's found or not, so it's totally baffling why he'll go to such lengths to stalk someone unless it's just for shits and giggles. The passing of the grandfather is a great way to rekindle the fire and used as an excuse to track her down.

Surely a fully grown adult is aware that changing numbers and going NC means nobody will be able to contact them in case any grandparents, inevitably, pass away. It's not such a shocking twist of logic that she doesn't want her stepparent stalking her down to her workplace to pass on horrible news. And highly unlikely that she'll want to show up to the funeral anyway because the most important person is gone and she'll only have to deal with the living relatives who have failed her in so many ways.

LEAVE. HER. ALONE.

She doesn't want contact. Even the police confirmed she doesn't want contact. She knows where you are if she changes her mind. But she probably won't.

I hope no contact is working well for her and that she's living a peaceful life. No wonder she chose it. In fact she didn't have much of a choice as she was totally abandoned.

That poor ,poor girl.
this is so incredibly sad and heartbreaking.
how did neither of you check on her constantly during covid and make sure she was okay.She was just a child and all alone without any parental support,even if you thought she was with her boyfriend this is very neglectful.No wonder she is Nc.
our elder 2 DD’s were older in lockdown but came home for Covid as it was such a scary time and this poor girl was left to fend for herself.
genuinely sad that you can’t see how negligent you both were.

What is with you posting about how much money she gets, as if that has fuck all to do with anything??

Money does not make up for neglect. This is about your worthless louse of a husband 'father' emotionally neglecting and abandoning his child. Your values are all sorts of beeped up if you think her having money means f all. Your husband is scum. He abandoned his daughter. And apparently didn't even bother to be involved in her life enough to know what was going on with her and her boyfriend when any other dad would be.

Mentioning money? You may as well mention a recipe for bolognese, for all the relevance money has to his abuse and neglect of her. I think you both make a good pair though as you both share the same 'values' and disconnect and lack of parental instinct. And she left because you basically pushed her out. I honestly don't know how you (or your husband) live with yourself, OP. You should be hanging your head in shame.

Incredibly depressing thread. I hope you don’t try to contact her work colleague.

It is curious the lengths that you and others are willing to go to to contact her now. Is it so you can tell others around you that you did everything to contact her? It feels like an excuse that she was close to her grandfather. Very odd that his sense of duty as a parent only kicks in when her grandfather has died. And not say, when she was 17, there was a global pandemic and she was living with her boyfriend.

If that was my 17 year old DD her living with her boyfriend wouldn’t have even been an option on the table for discussion. Especially not at a time of heightened stress like 2020 was.

God, I wouldn't do this either.

If the concern is inheritance from the grandfather then the solicitor executing the will can trace her if you tell them what you know of her whereabouts. Otherwise she’s made her choice and you should respect that

I actually think it's incredible that a girl coming from such a tragic childhood of abuse and neglect has created a career in finance for herself. And her deadbeat father and his partner can only think about moaning how she's earning more money than either of them.

She's clearly doing amazingly well. She doesn't fit the profile of a difficult teen or any person who is "the problem" themselves. She's clearly not addicted to any substances or mixing with the wrong people in London. Well done to her. Her colleagues also sound like smart, sensible people so if they started getting messages from her crazy NC family then it would only strengthen the admiration they have for her.

I’m going to hazard a guess that the reason they’re suddenly so keen to get hold of this woman who they abandoned as a child is because grandpa left her his money and they want to share it. The stalker approach after years of not bothering does not ring true.

I very much hope that she’s living her best life, poor girl.

As others have said you can ask the police to get a message to her with the news and funeral date.

Deleted as posted twice.

Yes - OP was almost flippant - her son has gone ‘full detective mode’ to find this poor girl who no one gave a shot about when she was a vulnerable teen taking care of herself during the pandemic. Now she is earning a good salary they want to find her?

and why does OP’s son care? He can’t know her very well.

All very odd

I can see why she would be upset with her dad - this is between her and him btw - she was 17, said she's going to stay with her boyfriend during the pandemic and apparently was left to her own devices while he focused on his new girlfriend (in her eyes anyway). Did her dad not go back to his home during lockdown even once to check on things - even if he assumed the house was empty? At a time when people were dying in huge numbers, why didn't he make sure to see her/speak to her, even if she was with a boyfriend? Afterwards, when she moved to England, messaging her once a month, is pretty poor. Seeing her once a month, fair enough but messaging? If/when he is able to make contact with her, her dad needs to be prepared to address his shortcomings with her, otherwise she will simply disappear again. In the meantime, I would leave her alone.

Gosh that poor girl, lost her mum young and then her dad just left her to get on with stuff aged 17.

The welfare check puts a different slant on it to my mind. She has told the police that she doesn't want any contact.

I really hope she is doing well.

If I was her dad, I would try all means to send her a card with my address on and let her know any time she wanted to call, visit, needed anything I would be there. If I knew where she worked, I would figure out the email address pattern and email her. If I knew the head office address I would send her a letter c/o the head office.

But your DH just got you, your son and his nieces running around on Instagram after 6 years (and likely longer) of being a shit dad.

(Speculative post here just for people who might be skimming the thread. Not part of OP's story)
I'm genuinely curious how it works in a situation where a deceased relative leaves something to someone who is alive but NC. Can the solicitors and police track down the individual for their share of the inheritance?