Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

The police did a welfare check & she chose not to pass on contact details. She’s made her choice & as long as she has some way to contact if she chooses, you’ve got to leave it up to her

I’m with everyone else on this - your partners behaviour is atrocious. Out of curiosity, what has he done to try to get this information to her? Why has it fallen to you?

It’s beyond piss poor that he let her just move out at 17 to go to her boyfriend… how old was the bf out of curiosity? Can’t imagine 2 x 17 year olds getting their own place, so I wonder if he was a replacement father figure. To not stay in touch enough to know they split up or she moved back home is shocking. I’m guessing though he wanted to move in with you so that he could have sex and likely have someone doing all the household chores. Did he ever pay you for him living there? You say he was a low earner, as were you, so how would he have been paying for 2 houses? I suspect he wasn’t paying you anything. He had to know someone was living in the house, he just didn’t want to have to move back home and start being a parent again - and I guess he didn’t (if you didn’t) want her to move into your place.

She has made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with you, so leave her alone. Her dad owes her so many apologies I don’t know if could ever make up for all he has done wrong. I hope she thrives in life and is happy. And I hope she never speaks to any of you ever again.

Forget the sad grandparent's death and get her useless df to try and work out how it went so wrong and how he can make amends. Granted, difficult as nc but there may be a chance if he is willing to reach out and apologise for what seems like serious emotional neglect.

A welfare check and she didn’t want her dad to know her details is very telling

why did he leave it so long

I can’t imagine as a parent to not talk /check on my daughter least daily if not weekly during Covid

It's sad how many parents do this to their kids when they meet a new partner.
DH and his dad was really close until his dad and mum split, dad met a new women online (long and ridiculous story) randomly married her on their first actual meeting in person (!) in another country and then seemingly just never gave a shit about DH ever again. Total personality transplant. They ended up NC and his dad is now dead, they never reconciled. At the end, the new partner dropped DH dad faster than a hot potato and he suddenly decided he wanted his kids in his life again for support. No chance. You reap what you sow.

He’s a low earner yet was paying bills for an empty house and not noticing that those bills showed it was clearly occupied? Bullshit.

Honestly what a shit dad he is. Even more so considering his poor daughter lost her mum as a child.

How on earth can you find such a selfish man and shit dad attractive?

Did the dad not want to check on his house at any point during covid, given he was under the impression no one was living there?

Absolutely. Plus my adult daughter (24 at the start of covid) was actually living with her boyfriend and the first thing we did when rules lightened was meet up in a park for a walk and a coffee because we hadn’t been able to see each other for ages! Why didn’t he do this?

As someone who is nc with part of the family, leave it. She has likely given this thought and, whatever her reasons for nc, will either have accepted that this means she likely won't hear about important news like this, or she has another avenue to get information that you know nothing of. Either way, you've done what you can, and contacting workplaces, random acquaintances etc would be very unreasonable

She made clear at the safe and well check that she didn't want you to be able to contact her so you need to leave it.

She has presumably had no contact with her grandad since before covid.

My all means try the social media accounts you have for her but as you say, she may not check them. She might though. I think my son gets emails if someone messages him on there or tags him in a post (don't do that) so although he doesn't use it he would probably log on and have a look.

Don't try to contact her through work/colleagues as she has made it clear she doesn't want you to be able to contact her.

I think your DH misjudged the situation terribly when he let her move in with her BF during covid age 17 and left the family home to live with you. How did he not check the property to see if it was ok if he thought it was empty let alone not make some effort to see her regardless of where he thought she was living?! She must have felt very unwanted and presumably this has led to where you are now even if she didn't immediately want to cut ties.

It’s beyond piss poor that he let her just move out at 17 to go to her boyfriend… how old was the bf out of curiosity? Can’t imagine 2 x 17 year olds getting their own place, so I wonder if he was a replacement father figure.

This is very good point. If the "boyfriend" was actually an adult man taking advantage of a teenage girl then it sounds horrific. No wonder she moved out so quickly.

If you mean Heir Hunters like off of the daytime tv show they are speculative people trying to track relatives of people that died intestate in the hope those relatives will agree to pay them something for their troubles. That’s different from a situation where someone leaves something in their will to a named individual.

How long was she living at the house before you both realized she was there? Did he consider moving back so that she didn't have to live alone? After all, you didn't think that he should have to live alone, but he just assumed his daughter was fine to do so?

Just curious as to how this all played out.

I agree 🥲

Whats her grandad done wrong though?
Op.is trying to contact her about a funeral isn't she?

The grandad won’t know if she’s there or not, the DSD attending is not going to please the grandad.

It will only lead to questions etc which she clearly doesn’t want.

I have seen the updates and that a welfare check was
done and your husbands daughter stated she didn’t want any contact.

What a fabulous person she is, I hope she is living a good life away from her excuse of a father, OP you are an adult and could have questioned his disgraceful behaviour at any time, he effectively abandoned his child whose mother had died. Time for you to examine your life choices and morals.

The cynic in me thinks your husband is only making contact as there is a possibility that the grandfather may have left money to your husbands daughter after his death and your husband wants to get his hands on it. One would hope that assumption is incorrect though as that would be confirmation that your husband is truly an awful person.

"We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us."

Take that as a message it is. She doesn't want contact. I'm not massively surprised, as her dad couldn't wash his hands of her fast enough when she was 17 and covid hit.
Honestly, what sort of parent would let their teenage dd move in alone with a boyfriend during covid of all things? Then it sounds like he kept in contact infrequently, and begrudgingly. Considering her mum died when she was young, he should have been bending over backwards to keep her close and in the fold. Saying "bye darling!" and rushing to his ladyfriends house as soon as lockdown happened is so frigging weird. Didn't he have a house before then??

For the sake of "doing your bit", drop a message in her fb or instagram messages, and leave it at that. The cost of going NC is potentially missing out on these sorts of family events. Presumably Dgrandfather didn't show any more interest than his son?

In which case I wouldn't attempt to contact her directly or through her acquaintances. You could let her know about her grandfather via a solicitor, but you may choose to do this only if she's due to inherit something.

Wow a dad that messages his daughter once a month. What a fantastic parent he is.
That poor girl.

Are you definitely sure she’s okay? If not then you could try getting the police to do a wellbeing check on her & at the same time let her know that her grandfather has died too.

Contacting her place of work (not her colleague) is a good plan too for notifying her. The company I work for receives dozens of these kinds of messages all the time and HR always makes sure to pass them along. But know it might take several weeks.

She had a welfare check done last year, this woman made it clear she wanted no contact.

Let's not advocate for op and the deadbeat dad to use the police to harrass her again or stalk her through her work.

This is harassment. She has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with them, she is not missing.

Quite. Just leave her alone!

She has made it plain and clear that she wants nothing to do with her dad or you. You should be doing noting anyway as you are not her relation. Back off and leave her the fuck Allen!