Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

Poor kid. I don't blame her, your bloke sounds like a really shit dad.

Tell him to get his arse down to see her if you know where she works. It's the least he can do.

I think trying to contact someone she works with crosses a line to be honest. Bringing her personal life into a professional environment. You've tried your best. If she is angry about it at a later date, that's on her. You can't make yourself uncontactable and then be annoyed you've not been contacted.

Contacting her colleagues is bordering on stalking or harassment. She doesn’t want any of you to be in touch with her, respect that. The picture of a 17 year old spending lockdown by herself because she’d broken up with her boyfriend and for some reason she didn’t feel able to tell her dad is absolutely heartbreaking. She’s clearly got good reason for her decision to create and maintain distance from her father.

Her mum passed away when she was a child.

As far as we know she’s not in touch with her mums side of the family either. My granddaughter goes to the same dance class as her cousins child and they have said to their knowledge she isn’t in touch with anyone on that side.

I also can’t seem to find an address for the company online.

Honestly no, do not contact her colleague.

She has made a choice in not being in contact, which is of course her right. No choice is without consequence however, as I’m sure she’s herself aware. You have tried. Leave it at that.

There's an outside chance that she's listed on 192.com - it would cost less than twenty pounds to check.

I can't get past DH leaving his 17 year old to fend for herself during Covid. Did he not check on her when he wasn't getting replies to texts? What was she living on, was she even getting enough food?
For context, my son was in another city by himself, he'd just started his first job when Covid started, in his early 20s. We were in contact every day, and visited regularly, sitting in his garden in the rain sometimes under a gazebo. If there had been no garden we would have broken whatever rules there were to see him and make sure he was OK.
I'm not surprised she's cut herself off from the whole family.. was no one looking out for her? This is heartbreaking, she'd already lost her Mum.
What DH can do now ( not you, him) is write to her at her place of work and tell her what's happened to her grandparent. And also apologise.

She was still working part time during Covid and was a HNC level student in Scotland that counts as university level so she had a student loan too. She had plenty of money and like I said we were under the impression she was living with her boyfriend, we didn’t know that had changed as she didn’t tell us.

If she wanted to be found she would make it easy. She doesn’t, so leave it be. The last thing she’ll want is people hunting her down at work or to face everyone she’s avoiding at a funeral.

God, the poor girl. Lost her mother young, her father moves in with a girlfriend at a frightening time for all, leaving her moving in with a boyfriend, all while she's still legally a child, then her father fails to move heaven and earth to keep a relationship with his daughter - so she doesn't feel able to share with him that they've split up.

I reckon there's something in her conclusion that he 'didn't check in' with her. She must have felt so abandoned, and having to look after herself for so long will have built emotional armour around herself for protection.

Contacting the colleague would be a mistake and could get her gossiped about. You've already messaged her. At a pinch if you have found her workplace, you could send her a letter there.

You could also put an In Memoriam post on your own social media remembering her grandfather with photos and sharing the funeral details. That might prompt her to reach out.

I don't think you should contact her colleague, she is likely to be embarrassed and angry that you would drag someone she works with into her personal life.

You could contact the Salvation Army who run a service for locating family members. They might agree to pass on a message or letter, without revealing information about her whereabouts, if the important thing is to tell her about her grandfather.

This!!! How did he not check on her when he was all she had. This is heartbreaking, The poor girl has just been completely disregarded. Hopefully she is safe and happy and can remember her grandparent in her own way when she receives the news.

Your response about not being in contact with her during covid confirms exactly why she doesn't want contact with you. Leave her alone. Let the poor girl live (hopefully happily). She's had a rough start to adulthood and clearly doesn't have any family involved in her wellbeing so she's hopefully got a good group of friends.

Sounds like she is better off without any of you contacting her.
What a useless dad

Good lord! Poor girl. Just leave her alone now, don't drag her workplace into it.

Wow this is one of the saddest things I've read, and not for the reasons you might think, OP. Any decent father would have control of his daughter, know where she is, etc. He has basically left a 17 year old child to raise herself and be on her own. He hasn't bothered with her - and no - the occasional texts is not the same as actually parenting his child, and being their in her day to day life. I don't know any father that would just let his 17 year old child move in with her boyfriend and not try to stop it or do anything. He really is very passive isn't he. Your husband is absolute rubbish. Deadbeat. Sorry but he is. This story of neglect just horrifies me. How can you stay with someone like that? You seem completely oblivious to how bad this looks. She lost her mum as a child, and didn't even have her father there as an actual parent. She had no one. She probably felt so alone. No wonder she's gone no contact. This story is truly heartbreaking, you have no idea how bad this makes your husband look. She really had no one to care for her and it seems when you came on the scene, she was pushed out, and left.

As for contacting her, yes, I would take every avenue because she deserves to know. She's been pushed out of her own family but she deserves to know. At least your son seems to care about her, which is nice. That poor girl!

Jesus, OP, leave her alone. She’s estranged herself for a reason - and a good one at that. I couldn’t forgive a parent fucking off and leaving me to sort myself out at 17 during a terrifying pandemic lockdown.

Is this a reverse?

Send a message via LinkedIn to her? Where were you getting the snippets of information from?

Contact her HR department so they can ask her to contact her family?

If you know the company she works for. Leave a msg with the headoffice / HR about her grandfathers death and his funeral details

You could do this. She has made it hard to be contacted though, her own choice so if you can't do this, I would leave it be until she contacts you. No need to go overboard. She will find out herself when she tries to reach out to her grandfather eventually. All you can do is try the most obvious routes to contact her, that's enough really

It's not about the money.

Amazed that so many posters have replied to this without pointing out the real issue here- that this appalling father abandoned his motherless daughter at a time of national emergency. Not surprising she wants nothing to do with him.

My son is a student OP. (Older than 17, too.) A parent is meant to love and support his child and see and contact him/her regularly. Because they’re young and vulnerable and that’s the role of a parent.

And yes, it’s on the parent to do that. You don’t just wait for your 17 year old child to respond to the occasional text message. You stick around. That’s what basic parenting is about.

This poor girl, treated like an unwanted pet dumped at a shelter. I hope she finds some security in her new life, and more reliable, caring people, & a new family. It must have left her very damaged.

I find this appalling. When did you try and reach out last? I'm honestly flabbergasted that a girl who lost her mother has just been left like this- she must have felt totally abandoned.

I personally can't think of anything worse than feeling so unsafe that I can't even tell my own DF about a relationship breakup, and then the only massive effort that my DF makes to reach out is to tell me via electronic means that a family member DIED? She lost her mother FFS.

Does he care remotely about her sense of safety and wellbeing? Where is the sensitivity and empathy? She's a human not an animal. It took someone dying for him to take notice.