Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

If she was that close to her grandfather or even bothered about him SHE would have stayed in touch with him and would know he’s died!

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Ok so you know she has made an active choice to not allow her dad have her contact details. If her father can easily accept a 17 he’s responsible for can make the decision to live a boyfriend and he is ok just fucking off to move in with you. Then he should respect her decision to not have contact with you.

A parent doesn’t need to be a mind reader, he could have gone back to his home and checked in on his daughter.

It's hardly rocket science to understand that a child’s teenage relationship wouldn’t last, even more so during a lockdown. He should have gone back to his home, alone, to check that his daughter was ok. Out of curiosity, why the choice for him to move in with you rather than you move to him? Is he one of these men who leaves his own child and expects them to suck it up so that his girlfriend can stay local to her own child? Or not cause any change in their girlfriend’s kids lives?

I bet the reason for being so desperate to track her down is because her Dad is gonna look like a right twat when people at the funeral ask how she is.

Alone…

How old was the boyfriend she moved in with, so dad could scoot off and move in with you?

I can’t believe your DH left his daughter to fend for herself at 17 - he couldn’t have had much contact to not realise that her and her boyfriend were no longer together and she was alone. She has chosen to do no contact - she knows this will mean she won’t find out if family members are ill or dead .

I also don’t buy that he didn’t know she was living in the house alone. He must have been paying all the bills. A low earner apparently but such little awareness of his finances that he didn’t realise someone was living in his home? Rubbish. This poor girl. She sounds like she’s done incredibly well for herself and I’m sure her mum would be really proud of her while also being so disappointed that her dad didn’t take his responsibility seriously at all. I hope she continues to now put her wellbeing first and have a fantastic life.