Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

I would give it one last go through her work colleague.

Lost contact needs to look like your fault not hers though.

If she doesn't feel she has a family anymore, fair play, but leave the door open.

Hope it all works out OK.

I agree that she was treated appallingly, with far reaching effects, and it’s understandable why she is no contact. You appear oblivious to this and the excuses you’ve made are incredibly weak and embarrassing. You and your husband need to accept he has been a poor father unequivocally and have the heartfelt desire to address and make that up to her.

Now isn’t the time to do that. You should respect her desire for no contact. If ever you understand what you’ve done then you could attempt a genuine apology and be willing to work through any consequences (anger, pain resentment etc that come up). But you need to accept the outcome might continue to be that she remains no contact and wants nothing to do with either of you.

As pp have said she's a grown adult and has made this choice knowing what the consequence would be. I'd be concerned about exploitation and vulnerability when she's seemingly abandoned her whole family whilst still a child but if police have done a wellbeing check there's very little else to do.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this. It's one thing to say you won't be going over for a cuppa or Christmas dinner any more but I think it's something entirely different to basically make yourself legally dead to your family. I think unless your family are harrasing you or a danger to you then this isn't justified and shouldn't be encouraged.

I don’t think anyone should judge. I know someone who has gone no contact because of horrendous abuse.

anyone on the outside looking in tells her she will regret it. Assume it’s over something trivial. See a lovely, middle class older couple and think how awful it is their daughter refuses to visit or help with any care. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and none of us should judge others choices.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this. It's one thing to say you won't be going over for a cuppa or Christmas dinner any more but I think it's something entirely different to basically make yourself legally dead to your family. I think unless your family are harrasing you or a danger to you then this isn't justified and shouldn't be encouraged.

This actually seems like the best possible example of going NC. She doesn't have to deal with her past anymore. She's living a great life with a successful career in London. She's clearly done her own closure regarding the death of a grandparent and doesn't intend to be contacted in the event of a funeral. Grandparents die...it's sad but not shocking at all. Why would she have to be forced to dredge up all that past trauma just to attend a funeral with a family who betrayed her on so many levels. It's also entirely possible that she had direct contact with her grandfather and he supported her choice. He probably doesn't give a shit either whether she shows up to his funeral or not (as a PP mentioned, maybe he even left her a lot of inheritance which is what sent all the relatives scrambling).

Oh well she’ll miss her grandpa’s funeral then won’t she. Decisions have consequences.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Why did you not mention this in your OP? That's quite salient information. You have your answer there. You simply have to respect her boundaries.

For the love of God do not contact the colleague! It’s none of their business and you know nothing about this person.
From what you described, people don’t just go NC over that. So there is 100% more to this story.
Please leave her be, there is a high chance she will see the insta messages. So do nothing.

Cannot believe some of the responses on here.
You and your DP are the adults here and, whether justified or not, your DSD has obviously been hurt by her DD moving in with you over lockdown.
Personally I would move heaven and earth to fix this situation but your DP needs to do his bit as well.

I suspect her dad’s attempted contact with her has been greatly exaggerated. I had similar with my dad when he left to live with someone else when I was young. He used to tell everyone how he’d tried to keep in touch with me, but it wasn’t true. I don’t think your dsd would have gone no contact with her dad had he made an effort.

Well she might not. She might turn up for the funeral anyway. Funerals aren’t RSVP and are published generally in local newspapers. I don’t think she needs to let anyone know she’s going.

If she doesn't want contact she won't come to the funeral - so please leave it.

You've tried to contact her so you've done your bit.

Please don't contact her through colleagues - that reveals her family situation to them which is unacceptable. If you've had the police do a welfare check, you could ask if they'd pass on a message - not likely but you'll know you've tried.

I'm sorry you've lost contact but at least you know she's doing well.

You have no idea how well she knows this colleague, if at all, or how sensitive or discreet that colleague might be, or whether they like each other or not, or what she has said about her relationship with her family to people at work. Do not contact the colleague.

This, 100%

she didn’t tell us

And you didn’t care enough in your little bubble to enquire?

cuts both ways

The feedback from the police is all you need to know. Leave her be and accept the result of her fathers poor and selfish behaviour

Message her on Facebook and Instagram. If she gets in touch then fine. If not leave it. She’s intentionally made it so you can’t contact her. If she had contact with her grandfather she’ll find out anyway. X

I don't agree. I expect the OP's son just hasn't stopped to think about how she might feel and why she might not want to be tracked down. He probably just got caught up with the parents' determination to contact her, and he joined in with what he thought was an interesting challenge, trying to be helpful.

Obviously he shouldn't have done all this sleuthing, but I don't think he's being creepy, just unthinking.

WTF

so you think he’s completely devoid of any intelligence?

nope, it’s fucking sinister that the OP’s son is dedicating himself to tracking down this woman

The onus was on her dad to keep in touch FFS! I simply cannot imagine my DC leaving the family home at 17 and then not regularly checking in with them. I speak to both my parents every week. I speak to my kids every day. As a parent you have a responsibility to keep in touch with your DC, particularly as your DSD's mother died when she was a small DC. Where is the care and attention from her father? No wonder she's chosen to go NC with you all - I think I would too! None of you give a shit about her and that was amply demonstrated five years ago.

I agree. I lived alone in London at that time although not so far away from my family and I was in touch with them. No mobile phones, email or social media though.

Duplicate post.

I just can’t get past that a Dad would not keep up contact with his 17 year old DD whose mother was dead, during Covid. 🥲

Christ, poor thing, her mum died as a child and her dad moved out and left her during lockdown to live with his girlfriend and didn’t even return to the house to know she was living there on her own. 😳 I can see why she has washed her hands of both of you. What horrendously selfish behaviour on the part of her father.

Please leave her alone. I am NC with my family. Anyone I wanted to stay in touch with I have. If I wanted to know about someone’s passing, I’d be in touch with them while they were alive and I would know. She hasn’t stayed in touch with her grandfather, so she won’t want to attend his funeral now years and years later. This sounds like an excuse to stir the pot. Please do not have people contact her and do not contact her at work. It’s very easy to get someone’s address. Her dad could write her a letter if he really had to, but I would leave her in peace. She will be much happier not hearing from you and there is no reason to re-open this wound for her.

So your husband last saw his child physically a number of years ago and has had very little in the way of contact with his daughter over the years. He had an address for her yet didn’t go and check to see if she was okay or even alive.

For goodness sake don’t have children with this man, if relevant, as parenting is clearly not something he excels at. What a shameful way to conduct himself.

I am staggered that the death of her grandfather was the trigger to actually taking steps to see if she is alive.

If she has decided to stop or block contact few
would blame her as her father has been seemingly uninterested since I date and not bothered to check to see how his daughter is doing. A welfare call to the police should be the absolute minimum.

Yes, there are teams of people who's job is to specifically look for lost relations/beneficiaries