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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

203 replies

Abouter · 09/11/2025 18:47

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

OP posts:
Izzywizzy85 · 09/11/2025 18:48

Kindly, YABU. This isn’t something that needs punishment. He’s obviously struggling a lot. And I understand you are too. Grief is awful and affects people differently. How old is he?

Bourneyesterday · 09/11/2025 18:49

How old is your grandson?

Whyherewego · 09/11/2025 18:49

I'm sorry. You probably just wanted a hug didn't you. As you remember your son.
Maybe the grandson is grieving in his own way and lashing out because he can't process the grief. Has he had any bereavement counselling? Have you?
Take care of yourself OP. YANBU to feel how you are feeling right now.

Ilikewinter · 09/11/2025 18:50

Oh that sounds difficult OP. How old he is and are you hus parental guardian / or does he live with you?

PickledElectricity · 09/11/2025 18:50

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

How old is he? Presumably relatively young if he's living with you?

I understand you're angry and mourning, but he is likely mourning too, in his own way and has feelings he doesn't know what to do with.

I wouldn't advise escalating the situation by dragging it out and then tainting not just this Christmas but future ones too.

ahoyshipmate · 09/11/2025 18:51

Age gives context here but everyone copes differently and it’s not fair to expect him to fit in with how you need to cope. He’s acting out but probably deep in pain. Please don’t use Christmas as a punishment. That won’t help.

user2848502016 · 09/11/2025 18:53

YABU he’s a child who lost his Dad, you’re an adult. Do you think that maybe “being in one of his moods” was him reacting to a difficult day?

Sorry for your loss, you have obviously been through a terrible few years, but it does sound a little like you were making it all about you and did want to “sit around being miserable”

Vaguelyclassical · 09/11/2025 18:53

This is one of those maddening posts that misses out all the important context. I can understand your pain and I am sorry for your loss, but how old is your grandson, does he live with you or was he only visiting, and does he have a track record for behaving nosily and aggressively or is he, too, still struggling to deal with the obviously much too early death of his father, your son?

RessicaJabbit · 09/11/2025 18:53

Yes ,you've lost a son
But he's lost his father...and seemingly his mother too.

He's got it far worse than you. Help him instead of punishing him.

ThatChristmasMug · 09/11/2025 18:54

How old is he?

I tried to calm him down
you've tried to be the kindest grand-parent you could, it's very commendable. He probably needed a much firmer approach and someone putting a stop to his nonsense, even after losing a parent.

He's grieving too. Don't take it personally, but if it's been 5 years, you don't need to tip toe around him. His behaviour is not acceptable, he can't blame it on losing his dad.

Where's his mum? It must be a tricky situation that he's not living with her either.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/11/2025 18:54

How old is he? Does he live with you full time? Is he always like this? Will he get presents from his mum? I think there’s not enough info to judge really, but I’m sorry you are having an awful day, and I’m sorry for the loss of your son 💐

itsgettingweird · 09/11/2025 18:55

You lost your son.

He lost his dad.

People deal with grief in different ways.

Where is his mum in all of this?

You need to sit and talk to him. Acknowledge his feelings and also ask he respects yours.

But don’t punish him by withholding Xmas gifts. That’s cruel.

Simplelifeneeded · 09/11/2025 18:56

ahoyshipmate · 09/11/2025 18:51

Age gives context here but everyone copes differently and it’s not fair to expect him to fit in with how you need to cope. He’s acting out but probably deep in pain. Please don’t use Christmas as a punishment. That won’t help.

I agree we all deal with grief differently.

Okiedokie123 · 09/11/2025 18:57

You are grieving, he is grieving. You both need to give yourselves time. Please try not to be mad at him. His way of coping with it is different to yours thats all. When he comes home Id give him a big hug and make yourselves a hot chocolate, open a packet of biscuits. Have a chat about how each of you is feeling and then watch something trivial on tv. Every year at this time it will be hard but it will be even harder if you both dont try and meet each other somewhere in the middle xxxx

MatchaMatchaMatcha · 09/11/2025 18:57

Oh love, I'm so very sorry Flowers

I'm guessing your grandson is a teenager, they're a nightmare at the best of times but dealing with the anniversary of his father's- still fairly recent death - is enough to turn him into a demon. And coming into a season which can be very difficult.

He was very rude, unkind and you did not deserve to be spoken to like that. He is lashing out at you because it's safe to do so, this isn't the time to withdraw christmas gifts.

You need some sleep, good food and some tlc. And to cry. There's still time to sit in contemplation and light a candle. Flowers

dicentra365 · 09/11/2025 18:58

There’s obviously an awful lot to unpick here that is not in your op.
However it does jump out that you are trying to tell him how he should be mourning and I don’t think that is something you can impose on a person.
I suspect that buying or not buying stuff for Christmas is probably the least of the things you should be worried about.

WinterBerry40 · 09/11/2025 19:01

If he's under 18 , your the adult and he's the child . You haven't given much info on the situation but it sounds like he lives with you and you had / have parental control . If his mother is not around , then he's probably had a lot to cope with .

QuietLifeNoDrama · 09/11/2025 19:01

I’m sorry OP this must be awful. Im sorry you had such a difficult day but I think as others have said you were probably both struggling. People grieve in different ways and whilst you needed quiet reflection your grandson obviously needed something different than you.

Maybe once you’ve both had time to calm down have a chat with him. Find out how he wanted to remember his dad. Maybe you can come to sone kind of compromise.

Kelly1969 · 09/11/2025 19:01

we need some context, how old is your grandson, presuming he lives with you, where’s his mum, have you had counseling ?

I wouldn’t be buying him concert tickets after that outburst and I don’t think that is punishing him as someone else said.
Sounds like a sense situation at home, have you got other family support?
You need to talk to him but that could be easier said than done, is there someone that could act as a mediator.

QuietMotiveFinch · 09/11/2025 19:02

So you want to hold onto this from today in November and punish him for weeks and deliberately not get him something for Christmas. Vile. No sympathy.

You’ll be the same person posting when he cuts you off

ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/11/2025 19:06

QuietMotiveFinch · 09/11/2025 19:02

So you want to hold onto this from today in November and punish him for weeks and deliberately not get him something for Christmas. Vile. No sympathy.

You’ll be the same person posting when he cuts you off

You are really unpleasant

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 09/11/2025 19:08

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. It sounds like your grandson may be struggling with the anniversary himself, and lashing out because of that.

I hope you will be able to find some peace today to remember your beloved son.

Sassylovesbooks · 09/11/2025 19:09

How old is your grandson? Does he live with you full-time? Does he live with/see his Mum? Was he just visiting you? Is this normal behaviour from him? You are grieving and you are doing so in your own way, wanting to make the anniversary quietly. Your grandson is also grieving, and sometimes that comes out in anger. My husband lost his Mum when he was 28 (he in his early 50's now) and told me that he spent a long time after his Mum's death feeling angry and resentful. Her death was no one's 'fault', she had genetic breast cancer and died at 54. Has your grandson had any grief counselling? Your grandson doesn't hate or blame you, he's lashing out because he doesn't know how to process the grief or how to cope with the anniversary. He perhaps wanted to 'forget' the day, just carry on as normal, likely because then he could pretend he is OK and it's just 'another day. However, he does need to know, grief or not, that speaking to you like crap isn't OK.

NDanyone · 09/11/2025 19:10

QuietMotiveFinch · 09/11/2025 19:02

So you want to hold onto this from today in November and punish him for weeks and deliberately not get him something for Christmas. Vile. No sympathy.

You’ll be the same person posting when he cuts you off

Nasty!

NearlyDec · 09/11/2025 19:10

Assuming he is young - Did you discuss with him what you would do today to remember his Dad or did you assume what would happen?