Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

[Abouter]

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

I’m sorry for your loss OP but how would you feel if your grandson or anyone else said they weren’t going to get you a Christmas present because you didn’t behave in a way they deemed appropriate today. You haven’t said how old your GS is but I’m guessing he’s less than 18. It’s only 5 years and that is a far bigger chunk of a child’s life than an adults. Deep breath and don’t do anything until you’ve slept on it.

It sounds like you are both really struggling. Don't punish him for that. I imagine things are really hard for him too.

He is angry and he is venting. It’s easy to vent at the people closest to us. Life is unfair and he is struggling. Do not punish him, but be there for him. One day he will realise how he has behaved, but right now he needs lots of love. Sending you lots of love, because you sure do need it. And if you can, speak to a grief counsellor….

You are grieving. And so is he.

And I would expect the adult to be able to accommodate the child's needs in this dynamic.

Grieving is not an excuse for bad behaviour OP. There is no excuse for your grandson abusing you verbally in your own home.

Sorry I’ve just realised I made a typo in my post , it’s actually 2 years since my son died not 5 . I don’t even know why I put that , I think I was just so upset when I was typing .

He’s 16 and he’s been living with me full time for about 3 years now . Things have been difficult for a while if I’m honest . He barely leaves his room most days and when he does it’s usually to ask for money or food . He stays up all night on that phone of his or the xbox and then sleeps half the day . I’ve tried to get him into a routine but he just ignores me .

He can be really lovely sometimes and then suddenly he turns and it’s like a different person . He says such cruel things and I don’t know where it comes from . I keep trying to talk to him about his dad but he just shuts me down or tells me to shut up . I know he’s hurting but I’m hurting too and it feels like I’m walking on eggshells all the time .

He still hasn’t come back and I’m starting to worry now even though I’m also so angry . I don’t know whether to ring someone or just wait a bit longer .

He sounds depressed. And like he needs counselling not a withdrawal of Christmas presents.

What an odd thread

He is grieving and has told you he doesn’t want a day of misery which is what you had planned.
There are plenty of ways to remember a loved one without being miserable. Get out and do something you enjoyed doing together.

Have you no other family? Is his mother or her family in the picture? Sounds like you could both do with some support.

This.
You’re both clearly really struggling with the day. Sorry for your loss. Speaking personally, losing your dad at a young age affects you for the whole of your life.

Not really odd, looks like the OP is reaching the end of her tether and still doing all this with her own sadness. It can be hard to feel giving when treated like poop. It's all human reactions.

Hopefully the OP can convince her grandson in getting some professional help, to deal with his loss and go from there.

Two years is nothing for such a significant loss, OP. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Supporting grieving teenagers is so hard. I've done it. I do think you would be wrong to withhold Christmas presents from your grandson. Don't punish him for today. He's grieving too and it sounds like he's struggling with wanting to handle things in a very different way from you. I know I'd struggle if someone was carrying out little rituals in front of me (though I'm an adult, so don't react the same way a teenager might). What kind of grief support has he had? It's a very long journey with these bereaved teens.

Two years since he lost his father, and he’s only sixteen now? For goodness sake op, you must cut him some slack! I’m sorry you lost your son but he lost his father. You may well have wanted a particular type of day but to say he woke up ‘in one of his moods’ is just cruel. He’s grieving and suffering too, please don’t punish him for lashing out because he is struggling to manage his emotions and feelings.

Sounds very tricky OP and im
sorry for your loss. Is there more background to this? If he’s been living with you full time for 3 years and your son died 2 years ago. Where is the Mum?

I would stop trying to talk to him about his Dad and give him space. Just be there in the background for him. He clearly needs counselling and help but also you can’t force this. Really hard for you.

@user2848502016 YABU he’s a child who lost his Dad, you’re an adult.

He asked for money to go to a concert. If he's going off to a concert by himself, then he's not a child.

Why does he think it's your fault that his dad isn't here?

It really does seem as though he desperately needs counselling. You're both grieving, but at his age he doesn't have the maturity to handle it in the way you do.
But there definitely seems to be something in his head that needs unpicking, that night explain why he's punishing you.

Eh? How do you know he’s struggling

Do you have numbers for his friends etc? I'd start ringing around trying to find him. If no luck then police - he's a vulnerable young person and it's a significant day for him. It's also cold and dark. Does he have a curfew/do you track his location via phone?

Make a GP appointment on Monday about counselling etc. I'm sorry - this all sounds really hard.

OP this is heartbreaking. You're both still hurting.

Right now, call someone.

Long term, can you access counselling and try to persuade him to? Does he go to school or college? There may be support there.

Have either of you had grief counselling?

He's 16, the death of a parent couldn't have happened at a worse time in his life, though that's not excusing his cruel words or bad behaviour.

Please get both of you some therapy.

This child obviously has issues that he needs help with , does he have counselling ? Why was he living with you prior to his dad’s death or were they both living with you ? Where is his mum?

Has he had any help to deal with the loss of his dad? The teenage years are hard enough to deal with, let alone combined with the loss of a parent. You’re trying to navigate the loss of a child (I’m so sorry for your loss) with raising a teenager when you didn’t expect to be in that position. Be kind to each other.
Depending on whether your grandson has had help to deal with his grief, I’d possibly contact the gp for help. But it’s important to recognise that we all grieve differently and to give each other space. Please don’t cut him off for Christmas it’s clearly been an extremely tough few years for him (assuming, because he clearly lived with you before his dad passed, rather than his parents).

His dad died, he (for whatever reason) doesn’t live with his mum and his behaviour is seemingly quite angry and erratic. I’d say it’s a pretty safe assumption to make that he’s struggling.

OP have you or your grandson had any form of grief counselling?

posted in error

He sounds like a spoilt brat. But of course, people can never just be that. There must always be an excuse. The armchair physiatrists are out in force to tell us so.