Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

[Abouter]

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

@Abouter I don’t have any great advice I am afraid but I just wanted to send you a hug and tell you I am sorry.
I work with teenagers and they can say and do horrible things when they are hurting. He is 16. He has lost his dad and his mum isn’t great. All he has is you. He will come out the other side x

OP, it sounds like he could be blaming himself for his dad's death, as you say when he started having problems, his dad's life and mental health crashed. That may be why he can't bear remembering his dad. He needs help, you both do. It sounds so hard for you both.

What aspect of his life do you consider him to have been spoilt?

My mum died suddenly when I was 13.

It affected me massively and probably to my DF, I behaved like a spoilt brat. Inside I was struggling and went into self destruct mode.

No matter what age you lose a parent, it’s devastating but I think when you lose one at an already difficult age where you’re going through puberty, it’s ten times worse.

It must be devastating for you. My DGM died 6 months after my DM (her daughter) died and I still believe it was from a broken heart. However your DGS will be struggling massively, especially if he has a chaotic history with his mother.

I’d try my best to unite. His outbursts will be coming from pain. When my DM died, I was numb for a good year after and then the outbursts of pain began.

All the best OP. So sorry for your loss.

Something changing that suddenly would make me question what happened at the time. Did his mother fully abandon him or have another child? Did his dad have a particularly bad MH episode? Perhaps there was some nasty bullying at school?
There's nearly always a trigger for this sudden change

Add in his father then dying, in a way which has been labelled as suicide

This is a young man who is completely lost in life and needs help. He might keep refusing but you need to keep trying.

Or he's going to end up in a very bad place

Poor little bugger.

Yabu. He lost his Dad 2 year ago at a very difficult age and you also lost your son. He doesn't want to remember his Dad in the way you have proposed and that's all right, you do things your way and let him do what he wants to do. He shouldn't have been rude and he needs to be spoken to about it (in a way that also accepts that he didn't want to grieve your way) but I think withholding Christmas gifts from him will damage your relationship with him and lead to potentially depriving you of a relationship with your grandson.

I stand by my post

Grieving has no expiry date.

Abusing your grand-parent is not acceptable. In the days/ weeks following the death, you make a lof of allowance, you accept a lot. 5 years later, it's not acceptable.

*Shouting, swearing, blaming the grand-parent who is trying to help you" is not acceptable. There's nothing to be kind or understanding about that behaviour.

So sorry for your loss, and for his. It sounds like he is angry, hurting and unable to express his grief. I can only echo what other posters have said, about trying to be kind to yourself when you have such a tough and thankless task and also to seek help if at all possible. Just keep telling him "I see you are hurting and angry; I love you and am here for you always". And when he says hurtful things, remind yourself he is showing fear and anger.

I am so sorry for your loss. You must be hurting. But your grandson is too. He no longer has a father and from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like his mother was able to provide much stability either. He sounds angry, depressed and likely finding it hard to find purpose or meaning in anything much. Just lost. It’s hard at his age to get them to do things that are good for them. You mentioned gaming and I thought the link below might be helpful, it’s counselling/mentoring with a specialist through gaming activities. All the best.

mindjam.org.uk/services/

OP I’m so sorry to read this. You’re both really struggling. I hope you find a way through. Your story is heartbreaking.

I agree it might be worth you avoiding talking to him about his dad and seeking some counselling for yourself in the meantime.

This poor poor kid. Just trauma after trauma.

He’s a bereaved child, who has been ‘abandoned’ by both parents. Chaotic, changeable and difficult life, and now at 16, which is an incredibly difficult age, being forced to feel and do mourning in a proscribed way.

I suggest some serious parenting courses and counselling for you. You need support to support him. His behaviour is expressing unmet need and that should never be punished. He may have to fall a lot further before he climbs up, and you will need support with that.

But if he wasn’t all messed up and angry after everything, he would be one in a million.

"He stays up all night on that phone of his or the xbox"

Fix that you you probably fix 90% of your problems.

Who pays for his phone bill?

Goodness me!!! Please show him kindness and only kindness, this really isn’t all about you. I feel so sad reading this, you should have been thinking about how best you and him spend the day together not just how you wanted to spend it. Why on earth wouldn’t you get him anything for Christmas- I can’t fathom why that would even cross your mind. Is there no-one else he can live with?

So sorry OP, this is a terrible situation. You are both grieving but you have the maturity to know what you need to do for yourself, and GS does not. He sounds extremely traumatised and it is most unlikely that he seriously means any of the horrible things he says to you. But they still hurt.
I hope there is some way of getting some help for the boy. As to whether you give him presents in future, it seems that he values money so why not give him some in a card instead of buying and wrapping presents?

This is so very sad for everyone.
I’m guessing he saw horrible things whilst growing up with his mum. Most people’s character is formed by the time they are 7.
he has trauma bonds tohis childhood. He is treating you as he was shown by his mother. It’s all he knows. And when things are tough he leans into it more. It’s almost like his body and brain can do nothing else but turn nasty because it’s what they were taught as young children.

you are essentially his emotional punch bag. He has so much trauma from his childhood with his mum he doesn’t know how to cope with the emotion. She never showed him what motherly love was. If she did she was likely emotionally manipulative.

by the time he lived with his dad the damage was done and engrained in his character.

if he has ADHD then it’s likely there will be no change. In severe ADHD then it’s brain has little capacity for remedial action.

Sorry for your loss OP.

But gently YABU, people grieve in very different ways. I absolutely hate the way a few things happen round me about my own dad and if I was as young as him, I’d probably lash out a bit. He’s had it tough anyway even before his dad died by the sounds of it, he needs love and support - as do you though, so I hope you have someone you can lean on too x

Thats a very good point.

@Abouter if hes not home please phone the police I'm so worried about him. Hopefully he's gone to a friends but I'm terrified he does something silly.

I’m very sorry that your son has died, you must miss him dreadfully and anniversaries are always hard.

If I may, I’d like to offer a perspective on what it’s like to be a bereaved child. I can obviously only share my own personal experience, but I hope that you can understand a little of what I’m saying.

When you are a child, you can only grieve in a child-centred way. That means that the full impact hits in waves as you get older and your understanding grows. At every life stage you have to revisit, and reprocess your feelings. So the anger you couldn’t feel as a young child, hits you hard when you are a teen. The relationships you didn’t understand you had lost, leave you with the biggest hole once you are old enough to start to understand the importance of not having them. And all the while, you have to tread on egg shells so that you don’t upset your Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles.

So on an anniversary day your Grsndson’s emotions are raw, just like yours. And just like you, he needs love and support and to be allowed to grieve in his own way.

You lost your son, he lost his dad. It’s an emotional day for both of you. Everyone deals with loss in different ways.

He’s a teenager who’s had a hard life. He’s bound to be angry and to take it out on those who are left. You are his safe space where he can be angry and upset.

Have you had any grief counselling?

It’s only two years since his father’s sudden death, possibly by suicide.

Of course you still get him presents.

You need to understand he is also grieving. If he doesn't want to talk about his dad, then stop. Find someone else to share those memories with. He's had some really turbulent years growing up and it's quite clear he wants to stop going over it.

Perhaps consider getting yourself some counselling?

It’s two years.

I just read your update. How painful this has all been and still is for you. Have you had bereavement counselling. It might help. You have been a good grandmother to try and give your grandson the love he needs. I hope someone is giving you the love you deservex

You are both grieving and doing to in very different ways. Neither of you are wrong and both of you are hurting. I feel desperately sorry for both of you. Grief is a horrible land.