Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

[Abouter]

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

He sounds like he is traumatised. Which isn't surprising as he has experienced a lot of trauma.

Could you think about who you’re addressing and what they’re going through today and consider if there might have been a more appropriate way to express it?

Oh god, that poor kid. He needs love and understanding, and probably a heap of therapy, but mostly love, grace and kindness. Being 16 is hellish enough without being essentially an orphan. I hope he gets the care and support he needs somewhere.

Sorry but his life sounds shit. He has had so much to deal with, and will have feelings he just doesn't understand. The very last thing he needs is for the one person in his life who is still there and still cares to not get him anything for Christmas. I'm sorry. This needs to be addressed, for sure. He needs counselling, book him in with the GP and see if you can get anywhere. But you don't address it by removing more love from his life (which Christmas presents may represent).

It was just a thought as I see that behaviour in my own. If he is he will be struggling more than anyone realises.

Also true. Was just a thought, so many undiagnosed are labelled as problematic and mean. I live this life daily with my child. Fine one minute, turns the next and 70 % roughly are school avoiders. Also seems cold hearted but a lot of it is rooted in anxiety.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like such a tough time for both of you.
But your GS has been through an awful lot in his life already. He must have feelings of abandonment from his mother, as well as just the rocky time he had with her, and then to have to deal with the loss of his father, and he may well blame himself for that. Please don’t cancel Christmas/ Christmas presents for him. He needs consistent love and support, as difficult as that may be when you’re grieving too. Whilst I completely appreciate this is easier said than done, try to persevere with counselling for him and with encouraging him back to study. Gaming and not leaving his room is only going to make the problem far worse.
I hope he’s returned home now OP. Sorry it’s been so tough.

Far from it, nothing about his life makes me think “spoilt”.

OP, this is tough, I’m not sure how you can deal with everything. But I’d accept every single bit of help offered and try and get as much help as you can.

Inside that angry teenager, is a scared young man.

This is a really sad thread. I feel very sorry for you OP and I also feel very sorry for your grandson. It sounds like he just can’t cope with his feelings and he’s thrashing around. Please don’t punish him or withdraw anything from him. He probably finds it difficult to see you remembering his Dad on the anniversary because he can’t cope with his own feelings so he gets very angry. This is a complicated situation and it’s very demanding on you. I don’t know how old you are but I know that in my 70s I would find this more draining than I would have in my 50s. You need some outside help but it’s difficult if he’s refusing to talk to anyone. Perhaps start by seeking out some help and advice for yourself. For now I wouldn’t make any demands on him at all and just try to show him love however difficult he’s being, short of physically pushing you around which would have to mean he could no longer live with you. The people calling him a spoiled brat are being ridiculous.

Please phone the police straight away if he is not home yet.
I'm so sorry that you have not asked to be in this position, and having him must be a constant reminder of your son.

It sounds as though your grandson has been rejected by his Mum, then by his Dad in having to come to live with you at age 13, and then the loss of his Dad on top. He is traumatised and a child brain have the experiences he's had will be in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode. It sounds as though there is an element of him feeling he is not good enough/having low self image (not lovable enough for his parents to be able to care for him). He is likely terrified and it can be a form of self-preservation to try and push you away before you can leave/reject him too.
Are school not following up his absences?
This must be so hard for you for so many reasons, please do reach out for help.
Someone mentioned Young Minds - they have a parent helpline you can call where they will listen and support you to come up with an action plan of 3 things to try.
You can look up Therapeutic Parenting, a method using playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy that is especially good for traumatised children - Dan Hughes, Betty De Thierry (I think) and Sarah Naish write a lot about it and excellent videos on you tube. Sarah Naish also runs an organisation who provide emotional support for you as this is very difficult, especially when your own emotional needs are not being met.
Lastly, please contact your local authority for early help/targeted support asap as you don't have to do this alone and the impact of how vulnerable your grandson is is likely going to impact the rest of his life.
Good luck with it all.

He stays up all night on that phone of his
I’m sorry for your loss but you’re letting this boy down. Allowing a child unregulated access to a phone that he’s clearly addicted to has the potential to ruin his life even further. The fact you can’t see the link between his phone addiction, the loss of his father and his attitude is very sad indeed.

I hope he’s home. I agree that you should phone the police if he isn’t. In the longer term the helpline for Child bereavement uk might be a place for you to start to look for help or you could try googling Grandparent kinship care as they might be able to help. Look for help while he’s still 16 or he will be classed as an adult at 18 and there will be very little available.

Obviously use of the phone isn’t helping at all but in the current situation it will be very difficult for OP to enforce anything. He’s 16 and the situation is volatile and could just blow up.

As I have stated elsewhere I am a foster carer who is currently going through this exact scenario with a 16 old boy whose mother has sadly passed away. He does behave very much like the OP's grandson, as other children I have cared for do too. And I can always detect it is an anniversary by their manner and behaviour. I would go so far as to say in my experience this was actually the norm (sadly). I always realise though that it isn't personal and thank goodness they can let out their feelings to us where they feel safe and loved. But whatever they may say or do today, we start afresh tomorrow. We can talk about it afterwards in a calm and reasonable manner when the time is right. I think it is important no grudges are held, and certainly would not punish them by with holding Christmas presents two months in the future.

Uses it as an excuse???? I find this so upsetting to read. After 30 years as a foster carer and five adopted children, I can honestly say that ALL of the children have had reasons for their bad behaviour after such a tragedy and sad beginnings to life. Of course there must be boundaries and consequences at times, but always with understanding and love and patience. I make mistakes of course, and sometimes feel angry and upset at certain behaviour, but I always have to remember what the child has gone through and that I am the adult. If I decided to withhold Christmas presents from a child, Children's Services would be taking the children away pronto,

Seriously? His mother is chaos and abandoned him, his father then died, possibly by suicide after also handing him over to his grandmother. This is a lifetime of abandonment and disordered attachment but turning off the WiFi is what will fix it?
I despair.

She's tried. He wouldn't go, or when she did manage to get him there, he'd refuse to speak.

You are both grieving and doing to in very different ways. Neither of you are wrong and both of you are hurting. I feel desperately sorry for both of you.

My feelings already put into words.

There are so many people on this thread who are only empathising with the boy, and forgetting that OP is damaged too and being hurt further every day. teenaged boys are hard work even for their parents, never mind the effect of an extremely damaged boy on a desperately grieving (presumably single) older grandparent with no support.

Then people come along and say things like this:
...you’re letting this boy down. Allowing a child unregulated access to a phone that he’s clearly addicted to...

I can only imagine what he might do to OP if she removed his phone at this point. He's probably bigger than her.

The vile one here is you, not the OP. There is actually something wrong with you.

For goodness sake, Op is also hurting. Its the anniversary of her sons death.

Shes been left to deal with a traumatised boy with no support and no training. He's rejected the help shes tried to get him too.

Hes being rude to her and hes rejected the birthday gifts she got him. It sounds like she's at the end of her tether and needs support not someone saying they do parenting traumatised kids better than her.

I am sure I do not parent traumatised children any better - I muddle through like we all may have to at times - and make many, many mistakes along the way.

And I understand that the OP is grieving, they both are and of course grief expresses differently in everyone. But the OP is an adult and her grandson is a child, battling hormones as well as the trauma of their (what sounds like) a horrific past. However what ever we as adults go through, and whatever pain we are in, we have to try and put the needs of the traumatised child first. I speak from experience of some unbelievably painful situations and the children who were angry and violent as they went through it. The story moved me greatly and thought I would share my feelings and experience of continuing to love and support them through it. Others, like you, may disagree that is the wrong thing to do, and that's fine, you may well be correct. As I said I do not parent any better or worse than anyone else.

However I do apologise for coming across as unkind and not giving the OP the support I should have given. It was just I am currently going through almost the same experience the OP is, and sharing what I have found works best for the children in my care. I felt so much for her grandson and his pain jumped from the page.

I will now leave the thread to those with much better advice. experience and compassion than me and apologise again.

@musicinme your probably able to give tons of useful advice. I'm sure Op never really ment what she said about no Christmas gifts.

They are both having a shit day.

@Abouter Did he come home?

I hope he's come home.

It sounds like both of you have had a horrendous time.

Both of you need professional help to try and process this.

Focussing on whether to get Christmas presents for him or not, I feel will not help your situation

Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that he was badly behaved even before his dad died. OP please look out for yourself and seek help from SS. You don’t want a situation when he would start attacking you physically, I have seen this happen before. I wish you good luck, please take care of yourself

@fishtank12345 classic Mumsnet answer to every bad behaviour, they have to be neurodivergent