Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

[Abouter]

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

Reasons are not the same as excuses. Not having had a parent around full time since the age of 13 is definitely a reason.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐
There’s NEVER an excuse for him to speak to you and treat you so appallingly.
I expect he’s nice when he wants something!?

@WildLimePoet he can mourn the loss of his dad without being mean and abusive.

He’s a fatherless young man/boy who lost his dad and the guidance his dad would have given him.

He is carrying that pain around with him and will unload it on the ones closest to him, which unfortunately was you today.

Many people that are hurting, especially if they are young and troubled, will lash out verbally and or physically, like a wounded animal.

Awful for you as you are grieving but there are better ways to deal with him being horrible to you than punishing him by not buying him a Christmas present.

Neither of you have healed from your sons death and pouring salt into a wound is not the answer.

When you are both in a better frame of mind you need to tell him quietly that no matter how much he is suffering, you are suffering to and he is not to talk to you like that again.

This

No, maybe he can't. Maybe he literally doesn't know how to or any different.

I just wanted to say I am a foster carer for a 16 year old boy who has suffered a bereavement of one parent and rejection by the other. He is EXACTLY the same way, both in everyday behaviour and particularly on sad anniversaries. Personally I believe he needs more love and understanding at these times.

There's still way too much context missing from this to really advise but that said I cannot really envision a scenario in which it's appropriate to plan witholding Christmas from a child because they have understandably huge emotions about their dad's death especially when you're (presumably) his closest remaining family. I realise that you're hurting too and that raising your grandson is probably incredibly challenging. By all means set boundaries but I think you need to focus a bit less on how to punish this young man, less on taking his outbursts personally and more on how you can genuinely help him process this. He clearly needs support.

Sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain that would come from losing a child. Nor could I imagine what it is like for a son to lose their dad at 14 and not have their mum around. It sounds like he has been through so much trauma at an age which I'd say is usually the most emotionally turbulent age, even for those who have no extra stresses. Give him some grace. A chat about how he made you feel is fine, punishment is not.

My son had full custody from when my grandson was about 10 , his home life with his mum before that was really chaotic and there were a lot of issues . Before that they weren’t especially close because his mum used to make things so difficult , she’d stop contact for weeks at a time and say he didn’t want to go which I never believed . Once he came to live with my son things settled for a while , he was always really well behaved and quiet , polite even .

Then everything changed after Christmas in year 9 . He started refusing to go to school , they tried reduced timetables , meetings , all sorts but he didn’t care . He just wanted to be gaming or sleeping . My son ended up losing his job because he couldn’t leave him at home alone all day and I was working and there really wasn’t anyone else to help . My son had struggled with his mental health before and that made it worse .

Over the summer he came to live with me because my son said he couldn’t cope anymore and needed to get himself better . Then a few months later he died . I still don’t believe it was suicide , he was speeding but I don’t think he meant to die . My grandson sort of used it as an excuse . He’s never had counselling , I’ve tried but he refuses to go or just sits there and won’t speak .

For his birthday this year I got him a few nice things and he said he didn’t want them and ended up selling them .

The lack of understanding or humanity from some posters is really a depressing indictment for our society today.
He is immature, a 16years old hormonal child who has not had parenting with unconditional love from parents who would guide him and help him through life and managing emotions.
I am sure you are doing your best but you cannot replace what he has lost at such a young age. You have to expect challenging behaviours from him at times. I would ask for support from social services in helping him mature and cope with his grief. Poor boy, please keep loving him and helping him.

Well he lost his dad at the age of 14
No mum in the picture apparently
And living with his Nan before his dad died which could be any number of troubling issues

But yes, he's a brat and there's absolutely nothing that might also be at play

Can you elaborate? His dad/your son died 2 years ago, but the grandson has been with you for 3 years. What is the background??

I don't think you can fix how he feels unfortunately. If he won't engage with professional counselling then I really wouldn't push him to talk about his dad, especially if it was ruled a suicide.

I think all you can do is be around physically and consistently but don't break your back buying him nice things if he's going to sell them. That's very hurtful.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.

I'm sorry too that you've been faced with this on an already incredibly tough day. Teenagers can be complex creatures at the best of times. It's never ok to be abusive to anybody, but it might help you cope with it if you remind yourself that he has been through something dreadful at an age he is not emotionally equipped to process it (and also not young enough to forget/adjust to a new normal). He is angry with the world, and probably with his dad too in a way, but you are the only one there that he can actually express it to. It isn't ok, but it is understandable from the outside.

He obviously is struggling despite what a PP has said, because who wouldn't be! I would hope there is support coming through school/college already, but it might be worth reaching out to their pastoral team to let them know that he doesn't seem to be handling the anniversary and asking if they can have an extra check in with him. I want to suggest further counselling but it doesn't sound like the right time to suggest it. Hopefully a calmer conversation can happen soon.

It's hard for him and he probably doesn't know what to do life
But its not fair on you
I think you need help with him tbh
How can a grandma deal with an aggressive teenage boy?
Its too much
Too much

Your post is heartbreaking, and there is a lot going on here. It really sounds like your grandson needs help and you have a lot on your plate too by the sounds of things.

Not sure how its relevant to xmas presents. Just get him something modest that he will like and a hug if he's OK with that. Plus dinner and a movie. Seems like you both need to take a minute.

Not an expert here but... do you need to push him to talk about his dad if its painful for him? Just being together, there for each other, and making a cosy, secure home for both of you to be in seems like enough for now.

It sounds like you are doing your best OP. But this is also beyond your ability to fix. I think you need to see how you can involve SS and/or anyone who can help your GS get into counselling. He sounds very troubled

I think you need to be his source of stability and calm. Ask him for a Christmas list so you can buy him a few things that he wants? 16 year old boys are so tricky to buy for.

Does he have any contact with his Mum at all? Is he back in school?

My heart breaks for both of you.

But (sorry) more for him. Poor kid

Isn’t it awful. Sometimes I lose faith in humanity reading mn posts…

Op if he's not home yet i think you should call the police, regardless of how long he has been gone.

Op that just sounds completely heartbreaking, it sounds like he needs professional help. He has a horrendous amount of trauma, is mum or other grandparents still around?

It comes from a place of fear and anger. He’s 16 and his life has been built on quicksand. He has no anchor, no one to love him unconditionally. He’s a lad in great pain lost at sea. Has he access to a grief counsellor or any professional to help him process all he’s had to go through.

I’m very sorry for your (and his) loss.

You are both in an awful place and dealing with your grief very differently. GS has had a very raw deal indeed, effectively losing both parents at a horribly young age and I imagine he feels like he's in freefall.
You need help and support. Ask at your GPs surgery - they'll be able to signpost what's available. And call on any friends who can give either emotional or practical support.
You are his safe space so it's important that you're available to him unconditionally, and that you really look after yourself too.
Sending flowers 🌹

What's a physiatrist when it's at home? If you're going to be nasty, at least learn to spell.