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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

203 replies

Abouter · 09/11/2025 18:47

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

OP posts:
plumclafoutis · 09/11/2025 20:07

WildLimePoet · 09/11/2025 20:06

He sounds like a spoilt brat. But of course, people can never just be that. There must always be an excuse. The armchair physiatrists are out in force to tell us so.

Wow!

Lightdoesnotstay · 09/11/2025 20:07

Hi OP I’m so sorry for your loss and for your grandson’s. He is still a child and sounds like he needs support. My friend died when her son was the same age and it is so so hard for them at that age. Perhaps you could reach out to a charity such as cruse bereavement and get some support for both of you.

Delatron · 09/11/2025 20:08

WildLimePoet · 09/11/2025 20:06

He sounds like a spoilt brat. But of course, people can never just be that. There must always be an excuse. The armchair physiatrists are out in force to tell us so.

Jesus.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2025 20:08

You don’t mean the Christmas presents thing, you’re in agony about your son dying and massively stressed about your grandson and his behaviour and feeling out of control and grieving and reaching out here for comfort and solidarity.

I can’t begin to imagine what either of you has gone through and all I can say is how desperately sorry I am. Hold him close in any way you can 💐💐💐

BaalSatanas · 09/11/2025 20:09

OP please remember that different people process things in different ways and need different things at times. Just becuase you wanted to dwell on his dad… he shouldn’t have to because you want him to, he is clearly still in a lot of pain too and doesn’t feel able to to wallow in it like you seem to want him to. I think you both need help.

SwingTheMonkey · 09/11/2025 20:10

WildLimePoet · 09/11/2025 20:06

He sounds like a spoilt brat. But of course, people can never just be that. There must always be an excuse. The armchair physiatrists are out in force to tell us so.

Yeah, I mean he should have got over the death of his dad by now, right? He’s totally just being an arsehole. Sounds like he’s had a right privileged life too! What a brat this kid is…

🙄

Delatron · 09/11/2025 20:10

I think if he won’t get counselling then you should go alone. This is a lot to deal with.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/11/2025 20:11

Abouter · 09/11/2025 19:56

Sorry I’ve just realised I made a typo in my post , it’s actually 2 years since my son died not 5 . I don’t even know why I put that , I think I was just so upset when I was typing .

He’s 16 and he’s been living with me full time for about 3 years now . Things have been difficult for a while if I’m honest . He barely leaves his room most days and when he does it’s usually to ask for money or food . He stays up all night on that phone of his or the xbox and then sleeps half the day . I’ve tried to get him into a routine but he just ignores me .

He can be really lovely sometimes and then suddenly he turns and it’s like a different person . He says such cruel things and I don’t know where it comes from . I keep trying to talk to him about his dad but he just shuts me down or tells me to shut up . I know he’s hurting but I’m hurting too and it feels like I’m walking on eggshells all the time .

He still hasn’t come back and I’m starting to worry now even though I’m also so angry . I don’t know whether to ring someone or just wait a bit longer .

Then he’s you would be 100% unreasonable to punish him by not getting presents, obviously, but I think you know that really.

Hes a vulnerable 16 year old who’s upset so I’d contact somebody, even if it’s just phoning round his friends for now.

Luckyingame · 09/11/2025 20:12

No, that's not a right attitude in this situation.
Sorry.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/11/2025 20:16

Sorry for your loss you have lost a son. He has lost a dad and as a teen that is very hard.

It’s a mum in the picture.

I am sure he didn’t mean any harm but today is a tricky day as anniversary or as emotions run highwhich is fair enough

Climbingrosexx · 09/11/2025 20:16

There might be a few things going on here, yes he is grieving his dad but from what you describe he sounds a bit like my son at that age. He could be hurtful but then there were moments of calm when we were really close. He always knew that no matter what he could talk to me about ANYTHING. Does your grandson feel like that with you? When he is home and calmer do you think he will sit down and talk to you? Sounds like you will have to pick your moments with him and this could be a combination of normal behaviour and grief.

When you say about not buying him anything for Christmas I think that's just hurt and anger talking and you have every right to those emotions.

I can't say YABU because to lose a child is just not the natural order of things. We all know we will bury our parents at some point (I know he was very young before anyone berates me for that). But to lose your child has to be unbearable.

I hope he is home soon and you can sit down calmly and talk. Hopefully you can talk about respecting eachothers right to grieve how you choose

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 09/11/2025 20:17

If his dad has been gone two years but he has been with you for three it sounds like his life was not great before that either is he year 11? Or college? What support has he got from school? Does he have weekly counselling? Or any? What help has he had to deal with his grief?

TrixieFatell · 09/11/2025 20:17

I lost a parent the same age as your grandson. The anger still hasn't left me years and years later though I channeled mine inwards as I didn't have anyone I could get angry with. It messed me up a lot. Has he had any form of counselling?

Please don't punish him further by not buying presents. Perhaps when he is calmer you both need to sit and discuss boundaries and behaviour. Whilst you are obviously his safe space where he can project these huge feelings he also needs to understand that what he is doing is hurtful and that it isn't on. He sounds like he may well be depressed, is he open to seeing a GP?

As for the poster who said he was a spoilt child, I'm sorry you are having a tough day and hope saying that made you feel a bit better.

selfishorami · 09/11/2025 20:17

Kindly, you lost your son but he lost his dad incredibly young.

Sunshineandoranges · 09/11/2025 20:17

i dont think you are allowing for him to grieve differently to you. When my mother died one of my sisters made a shrine to her in her home if photos of mum,the other acted like nothing had changed and i couldn't talk about my mum or look at anything to do with her such as photos for several years. I think you and your grandson need help but at this moment in time try and be the rock. Text him and tell him you love him and whilst you accept he is angry could he just text to let you know he is safe,

Blakeley · 09/11/2025 20:18

not getting a present will only make this situation worse. He needs love and stability not punishment. I know nothing about the situation but I think he may also need grief counselling if he’s not already accessing it. When my dad died I felt like I was a vulnerable 4 year old and that my safety net had suddenly disappeared from my life. The difference is I am a fully grown adult with my own family, extended family and friends so god knows what that experience must feel like to an actual child. I’m sure he’s taking it out on you because he feels comfortable enough to express his feelings, much like when a toddler tantrums for their parents but is good as gold fro other adults, they know they are safe misbehaving with the people that love them most. So don’t take it personally and try to find him some help.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/11/2025 20:23

Oh god poor kid. I hope your first action isn’t to punish him for his behaviour? He is grieving. What help can you get for him? He needs help.

Needspaceforlego · 09/11/2025 20:24

Abouter · 09/11/2025 19:56

Sorry I’ve just realised I made a typo in my post , it’s actually 2 years since my son died not 5 . I don’t even know why I put that , I think I was just so upset when I was typing .

He’s 16 and he’s been living with me full time for about 3 years now . Things have been difficult for a while if I’m honest . He barely leaves his room most days and when he does it’s usually to ask for money or food . He stays up all night on that phone of his or the xbox and then sleeps half the day . I’ve tried to get him into a routine but he just ignores me .

He can be really lovely sometimes and then suddenly he turns and it’s like a different person . He says such cruel things and I don’t know where it comes from . I keep trying to talk to him about his dad but he just shuts me down or tells me to shut up . I know he’s hurting but I’m hurting too and it feels like I’m walking on eggshells all the time .

He still hasn’t come back and I’m starting to worry now even though I’m also so angry . I don’t know whether to ring someone or just wait a bit longer .

Op what time did he go out?

Is he not answering his phone? Or trackable?

Big hugs Op it sounds like you are both stuggling in your own wayd

Lancrelady80 · 09/11/2025 20:26

Only going to respond to one part as it's so sensitive and I don't want to inadvertently say the wrong thing and upset you - you have my massive sympathies.

My dad died when I was ten. It hurt, obviously, a lot. There was no help back then for bereaved children, or at least none in our area. The last thing I could possibly cope with was talking about my dad. It opened up too many raw, raw emotions. I needed to draw a curtain over what had happened in order to get from day to day, year to year. Probably not a healthy way of coping, but it was all I could do - it took a lot of years' distance to be able to say his name, let alone talk about him.

Your grandson may be the same. Keeping trying to get him to talk about his dad could well feel like you are poking around with a big stick in a very open wound , and needs time to heal a little bit first. You don't need to ban your son's name and never talk about him - please don't! - but maybe just more light touch things eg "I was thinking earlier about that lovely spot by the river (for example) that your dad used to like. It's great weather, fancy going to see what it's like there's now? If not, how about a trip to town?" Or "I know it's a hard day, I wonder if you want to talk? If not, that's okay too. I'm here for you."

I hope I've not offended, but just wanted to suggest a possible perspective.

Sending you hugs.

GreenHolly · 09/11/2025 20:29

I think you both need support. This is such a sad and stressful situation, there’s no shame in getting extra help. I feel sorry for you both. I don’t know what that help would be. My friend lost her husband and she got a lot of help from Winston’s wish. I also know getting 16 yr old to see sense is hard at the best of times. Clearly you have unimaginable extra pressures. I wish for things to get easier for you

TheAlertLimeSnail · 09/11/2025 20:30

WildLimePoet · 09/11/2025 20:06

He sounds like a spoilt brat. But of course, people can never just be that. There must always be an excuse. The armchair physiatrists are out in force to tell us so.

This is possibly one of the most heartless responses I have read on Mumsnet. Completely emotionally bereft.

Isayitasitis · 09/11/2025 20:33

I know everyone grieves differently and this maybe your way. But it isnt the way your grandson wishes to grieve. He's lashing out because he's young and has a lot of emotion. He probably doesn't know what to do with it. I'm sure he will come around and apologise.

You know when my brother died of something quite hard to deal with, me, my mum and sister celebrate these days instead.

On his birthday and anniversary. We go out together or just simply spend time together. We dony always mention him but we spend it together no matter what. Sometimes we stay at home and have a takeaway. Sometimes we go out for the day. Also been to the cinema. Sometimes I'll post about him and sometimes I won't.

The point is, I don't dread the day anymore as it's not a day of mourning and grief. Took me a while to be able to say that but this approach might be more what your grandson needs. Not a day to dread but to look forward, to spend time with family. I look forward to being with my family on those days. It's our day with my brother.

marmaladeteal · 09/11/2025 20:34

OP
That sounds so tough and heartbreaking. Is the boys mother or any siblings nearby?
Why does he live with you?
You need some support, especially today, so I hope someone is there for you.
And GS will come home, he will get hungry!

ImaginaryAilments · 09/11/2025 20:35

WildLimePoet · 09/11/2025 20:03

Eh? How do you know he’s struggling

Show quote history

He lost his dad aged fourteen, for some reason isn’t living with his mother, and barely gets out of bed?

SingingOcean · 09/11/2025 20:35

So he moved in with you, his grandmother, and a year later his dad died? Sounds like he's had a pretty tough start in life. I work with lads like this, but a couple of years down the line when things have got much worse. The more help you can get now, the more you can intervene now, the better.

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