Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

[Abouter]

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

There’s a lot of relevant information missing so I can’t advise but I’m sorry for your loss

Is your grandson a teenager and your son's son? If so he'll be failing to cope with the loss of his dad every day more or less - grief of a child who is still a child for their parent really should be someone's priority - lashing out at those closest is absolutely normal.

It's incredibly hard for you to be grieving your son, but going through puberty grieving his father and without his mother either by the sound of it is an absolutely bitter path.

Give him grace - unless you're about to reveal he's actually 45...

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss

But while you've lost your son, your grandson has lost his dad. He is grieving and angry too. You need to be kind to each other, not lash out and punish him.

Jesus - that’s some lack of compassion “ a stop to his nonsense”… “ it’s been 5 years”.
I’m in my 50s - it’s been 10 years since my father died and anniversaries and his birthday are still very hard.
I hope the OP can be kinder and more understanding to a grieving young person than this.
OP - Be gentle with yourself today. Try not to react to your grandson - he’s in pain too. Just give yourself some space with your memories

He’s grieving but in a different way from you. His Dad has gone, and if he is living with you then presumably his mum isn’t fully in his life. You are his stable, steadfast, reliable adult and he is testing that, however awful the things he says are, you are going to stick by him. It’s emotionally less painful to push someone away or lose someone who has rejected you than to lose someone you love.

Find out whether and how he would like to remember or honour his Dad. This may be not doing anything visible or it may be something more physical - this is why some people undertake sporting feats or organise awareness-raising campaigns. There are organisations that support young people going through grief. Find out what is available locally, so if he is ready for you to make a referral, you know how to do so. If he won’t have this conversation with you, is there someone else - a teacher/ coach/ activity group leader, another relative or a friend's parent for example - who can help?

I imagine it was a hard day for you both. I can understand you wanting to grieve, but your gs doesn't have to feel the same.

The idea of punishing him via removing Christmas presents is obviously unreasonable.

I am really sorry for your loss, OP. 💐 No one should ever have to bury a child.

Everyone grieves differently. That's why a big loss often pushes people apart.

Sending hugs xxx

ETA: Winston's Wish is a charity that helps bereaved youngsters. I wonder if they might have some resources to help your DGS.

With kindness, because this must be hard for you, the boy lost his dad. He is struggling. He cant and won’t be be able to remember his dad in the same way you do. He probably has a lot lot lot of very complex emotions about this day, his dad and you. You need to find a way to hold space for his grief as well as your own. He cannot possibly be expected to process in the same way you do.

when he tries to push you away you can be rock solid in being there for him. there is no better way to honour your son than to be the person his son can always turn to.

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like a difficult day for both of you and that you wanted to handle it differently. Not everyone finds comfort in anniversaries. I think about my parents everyday but couldn’t be sure of the dates they died. Focusing on that stuff doesn’t do me any good and it sounds like your grandson might feel the same. Fair enough not to give him money for a concert after his behaviour but no you shouldn’t ever use Christmas as a punishment and certainly not for him being difficult on the anniversary of his dad’s death.

My son has had an allowance for a few years (for clothes and spending money) and it was up to him how he spent it. I never tended to give him extra on the spur of the moment and there was no expectation I would. I think it has helped set him up for living away at uni.

What has his behaviour today got to do with Christmas? You don't mention how old your grandson is and whether or not his mother is still around. It sounds like he was really struggling with the anniversary of his father's death and needed emotional support and some distraction today. Instead you've given him neither. If you have sole guardianship of your grandson and aren't coping with that or with your own grief then please seek help from charities that offer grief counselling and support groups and also social services to give some additional caring support for help with your grandson. A child that has lost a parent and has had an outburst about it doesn't need his Christmas ruined by his remaining family. Christmas will be hard enough for the poor lad!

So sorry must be an awful day for you
to give advice on this situation more info is needed as I very much doubt he is trying to disrespectfull and heartless
he is probably struggling massively people act differently with grief he is likely very messed up and doesn’t know how to deal with it.
whys he blaming you? How dd he pass away sorry if it’s sensitive or suicide but might explain why he’s wanting to blame someone he’ll be feeling massive abandonment issues if that’s the case
sorry if I’m so wrong it’s just I know someone who had this happen and act out too they thought they were the problem and not important enough so it’s important to try understand how his son feels too he’s lost his dad. Where’s his mum? Any siblings? He could be feeling so alone and also not wanting to be close to anyone eg you! As he knows what happens to people he loves and cannot cope with the awful grief and he is dealing by distancing himself to protect himself from further trauma of losing another family member (known people to do this too as a safety coping mechanism)
how old is he? Death of a parent is a very difficult and hard thing dh or a teenager/young adult to comprehend and deal with emotionally. It sounds like he really needs you but is trying his best to push you away. Please don’t let it work
please Don’t punish him
and please take some care of your own emotions and mental health to ok you deserve to grieve for your loss goo and make sure you have people to rely on and support you too
best wishes op.

That would be a huge mistake OP, unless you never want to have a good relationship with your gs. He’s hurting too. It would have been helpful to have an age for him, is he 12 or is he 35?

It all depends on what he is normally like. If he is like this often, then perhaps he needs some therapy, long term help of some sort and if nothing works and he's old enough, he may have to go on to find his own way through life instead of treating you like this. If it's a one-off because of the anniversary, then forgive, we all handle things differently when it hurts.

Sorry you didn't get the hug you would've so liked to have had instead, sorry for your loss and your very sad day. x

This is horrible for you OP and not at all,what you wanted.

Your DGS never knew his father as well as or for as long as you knew your son. That’s a lifelong loss for him that you cannot share. Additionally, without a father, he won’t have a model for how a father behaves or for the man he might grow up to become. He might feel that he can never gain the qualities that you saw in your son.

How he feels about his father will change over the years to come.

I understand how OP must be feeling.

However, a relative of mine's DH killed himself on Christmas Day leaving her 4 months PG & with a 2 year old. Regretfully she contracted breast cancer & died some 7 years later (unfortunately in December) leaving my relative to bring up her GC.

My relative was determined that Christmas should not be ruined for her DCs and made sure that it was all about them and not the anniversary of their father's death. She would take them to put flowers on their father's grave in November, but, despite her grief at losing her DH, she always made sure that Christmas was celebrated - and BOY did he 'do' Christmas - she made sure that the whole house was decorated, invited friends & relatives over on Christmas Eve & Boxing Day, she made a real effort to make every Christmas special for them. After she died, his parents took care of the children and followed her example.

Did you ask your grandson how he would like to mark the day? I am sorry for your loss and you don't say how old he is but as others have said, he's lost his dad. Depending on his age, this might be a really hard age for him to be without his dad. You are both grieving - don't make it worst by punishing him for it.

I'm so sorry OP. Grief is a horror, and it affects us all in different ways.

How old is your grandson? Do you look after him full time?

I wouldn't withhold Christmas presents based on something said in grief.

Yabu. I’m sorry for your loss & your grandson’s.

go easy on yourself & go easy on your grandson. This is a situation neither of you would have chosen & you have to try your best. He won’t want to grieve in the same way as you & that is ok. As long as he knows you are there for him & you do your best to support him emotionally.

lean on other people for your own support - your grief shouldn’t be his burden to carry.

this shouldn’t affect anything to do with Christmas obv

Hugs.. you are both grieving the same person but in a different way .. your grandsons anger is his way of trying to cope.
It's unacceptable to call you names and that needs addressing when the conflict has calmed.
Still go for your walk today take a deep breath and have your time remembering your son.
When you feel in a stronger frame of mind have a conversation about things going forward xx

Difficult to advise not having much info to go on, but assuming grandson is teen/young adult and lives with you?

Young boys/men are likely to grieve differently. Losing a son is very different to losing your father, not in a competitive way, but they are just different. I've never really seen the sense in anniversaries personally, to me the person is still gone just the same as any other day and why is it different because it's been x years. I'm autistic, not that I'm suggesting he is, but my way of thinking is quite out of step with older and non-autistic family members. I'm sure I caused offence when I was younger by saying I didn't understand the point of anniversaries and it all seemed a bit strange to me. Of course as an adult, I know to keep these thoughts to myself and let people do whatever they need to do. But as a teenager you don't have the filters and social/emotional awareness. Teens and young adults can be self centred, and they are not given to quiet reflection in general. Your way of remembering your son may not be his chosen way of remembering his dad, and it may help to think of this as a clash of needs, rather than overt "bad behaviour".

I'm sorry for your loss, it must have been a tough 5 years for you.

I am sorry for your loss. Your grandson is also grieving. Don’t carry on what has happened today until Christmas. I hope you both found some peace today to remember your ds and his ddad

It sounds like emotions are flying high and you’ve lashed out at each other. I feel sorry for both of you, you should give him a hug and tell him you love him.

What the fuck??
What an absolutely despicable post.

I'm so sorry OP💐

OP will you come back and update us on the pertinent information which is missing from your initial post?

Aw no, this all sounds really hard. A tough day all around and you both cope with it differently. Neither of you are wrong necessarily. I’m sorry you feel hurt but kindly yes you would be completely unreasonable not to buy him a Christmas present due to his reactions today x