Not to get my grandson anything for Christmas after today

[Abouter]

I don’t even know where to start really but today has been absolutely awful and I just feel so drained I can’t stop crying . It’s 5 years today since my son passed away and I had planned to just have a quiet day to remember him , light a candle and maybe go for a walk to the place he used to like but it’s all gone wrong . My grandson has been in one of his moods since he got up , slamming doors and shouting that he didn’t want to “sit around being miserable” . I told him it’s not about being miserable it’s about remembering his dad and he just started shouting at me saying I made everything worse and that it’s my fault he’s not here . I honestly couldn’t believe the things that came out of his mouth .

I tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t have it , he called me names I don’t even want to repeat . He said I ruined his life and that I only care about myself . Then he asked for money for some concert this week like nothing had happened . I said no not after today , and he stormed out .

I don’t know where he’s gone now . I’ve tried ringing but he’s not answering . I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

Are you still in contact with his mum? A few pp’s have got it right I think. He may be blaming himself for the death of his father, so you talking about it is like poking at an open wound. Severing the attachment from the mother, however unpleasant she was, will have contributed to his sense of betrayal and therefore anger.

is he neurodiverse?

So very sorry OP.
I hope you can ignore the thoughtless posters and have found some support from those understanding that you're both grieving and hurting. 2 years is very little time.

Are there times when you are both a bit more relaxed around each other? I ask as, despite the level of your grief, it's going to have to be you who's the adult and who reaches out to this sad and angry young man. Maybe you could cook a meal he likes? Watch something on TV together? Get him to help you with something in the house? Anything that has you in the same room and would allow you to remind him that you know it's hard, you understand he's angry and sad but that you're there for him (even if he finds you irritating as all teenagers find their carers).

Second the suggestion that you ask for some support. Might it be helpful to speak to someone about loss and how to support him (and for yourself)? There are lots of organisations out there.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/about-our-helpline

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-guide-to-looking-after-yourself/

I'm so very sorry, OP. It sounds like you have been through hell, but so has your poor grandson. He has had so much trauma in his short life, and at some level, he might be blaming himself for what happened to his dad. Perhaps he even thinks that you may be blaming him to some extent. His anger and the lashing out is clearly an expression of his much he is hurting.

I hope that you both get through the rest of the day and that he comes home safely very soon. And I hope that you can both get the help that you need to get through what must be an unimaginable difficult time for both of you.

sounds neurodiverse and have you looked at PDA ?

He’s 16, a difficult age for most teens, his dad is dead, he had what sounds like a shit early life and now he lives with his granny.

I think you need to give him a break. He’s clearly going through the hardest of times. Not buying a Christmas gift is just petty. I’m sure it’s hard for you too, but he’s just a child who’s had a rotten deal.

Reach out tomorrow morning and organise counselling. Of course you cannot withhold gifts, this is senseless. Please get help for him, and yourself. Start with local church and or the safeguarding lead at his school.

Such an awful, awful situation but no. He needs unconditional love (I don't mean being a pushover), and I think cancelling Christmas would be really hurtful and counterproductive.

One of the things you said really struck me, that he just wanted to be gaming or sleeping. He sounds utterly depressed.

I’m so very sorry for your loss OP, 2 years is no time at all.

Your grandson has suffered multiple childhood traumas, he really needs some professional support to try and unravel everything he must be feeling. Would you consider speaking to social services and seeing what is available to help support you both?

It’s a lot for you to deal with - is there any other family or support for you both ?
Winston’s wish is good for children tho gs is heading towards a mini adult

cruse and counselling are prob needed for you both

sounds a very stressful situation and emotional that his mum didn’t want him - that can could be the cause many underlying issues

in a few years he has lost both parents by the time he was 14. That’s incredibly hard for anyone - let along a child

meantime you are grieving yourself

is school supportive ? Can you speak to the pastoral care officer ?

I'm sorry op. I was also going to ask if he could be autistic or have adhd, it's quite common for children who have these conditions to burn out and no longer cope during high school, even more so if no one realises they have it. His MH must also be a challenge after everything he's been through. Just love him and be there for him and see what support you can get him. Is he in education now? I'd suggest applying for an education, health, and care needs assessment. Definitely don't punish him for today I expect it's raw for you both

I'm not sure this is helpful. His early life was potentially really awful, any one of us could have been him if we'd had an awful start in life. He needs counselling.

This.....a child losing a parent is the WORST loss possible.It sounds like you are expecting him to consider your needs and feelings before his own, when today will be even more painful to him than it is for you.
Saying he is in 'one of his moods' when he expresses upset on the anniversary of his dad's death is quite telling as to why he is getting so angry at you to be honest.
Try sitting down with him, empathising with him, hearing and validating his feelings and having a hug and a cry together if he will let you.
He doesn't need punishment and whilst today was i'm sure tough for both of you, taking his christmas presents away for him expressing his upset would be really mean.
I would definitely speak with him about what he said, that it was hurtful and request an apology....but only when the dust settles and alongside an acknowledgement that he was probably feeling really upset at the time.

When kids or teens are hurting alot, it's love they need the most.

I’m so sorry for what you have both been through and are going through. Today sounds really horrible for you and I hope you have some support to lean on.
I wouldn’t not get your grandson Christmas presents. He’s been horrible to you, but he must have so much grief that he’s really struggling to process. I really hope you can get him to some professional support.

@Abouter I'm really really worried. Please tell me the wee guy is home or you've called the police.

He sound like hes hurting beyond belief and worthless hence rejecting birthday gifts.

Sending you love x

Really sorry about your son and having such a shit day with DGS. Kindly. I think YABU, he probably isn't coping great at the loss of his dad as it is and it's coming out in anger. I was very angry after my dad - who was in his 50's died suddenly and unexpectedly last year. I just couldn't process the shock and sadness and I say that as an adult and mother.

Sorry flr your loss OP.
He is struggling, angry, lost and in pain, just as you are. He's only 16 and doesn't know how to deal with the overwhelming feelings.

If you'd been normal and happy, he'd probably accidentally you of not caring.

Please seek help for both of you, but keep loving him.
Sometimes, tough love is needed, but not getting him a present isn't the answer.

Tell him, if he sells it, that's on him, but three strikes then you stop.

Good luck.

His behaviour now shouldnt influence his christmas present. Unconditional love is even more important when theyve gone through loss. Im sorry for your loss.

Because he’s 16 and his father died 2 years ago 🙄

OP, I am so sorry, this sounds incredibly painful all round, and I am so sorry you lost your son. Unbearable.

Your grandson had a troubled start even before he lost his Dad. First he lost his parents living together, then, from his pov his Mum abandoned him so he went buy his Dad the. His Dad passed him on to you.. and then his Dad died.

He can’t trust that anyone can be there forever for him. My guess is that he is testing you to se how far he can push you to prove how ‘solid’ you are, OR he would rather behave do badly and with such hostility that you pushing him away is a self fulfilling prophecy, and he would rather feel in control of that than be a helpless victim. I.e get himself pushed away, rather than allow someone else yo decide to push him away while he is loving and grateful.

And meanwhile he is probably blaming you for not being his Mum, not being his Dad.

Wildly unfair of course but he probably can’t help it.

And the best of teens with the best if lives can be difficult and mixed up. Furious at still being ‘children’, terrified of growing up, thinking they are invincible, terrified of failing….

I hope he is home by now. And calmer.

To lose a child is the worst. But it’s not a competition

Contact the police if you're really worried about him acting out of character.

Find outside help with his issues tomorrow.

Keep your grief to yourself about your son. Speak to a professional about that.

My heart breaks for him.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son, 2 years is no time at all and you are no doubt still struggling with his death.

With kindness though, your grandson has also lost his parent and a teenage boy will struggle with his own grief without needing to consider yours too. Please send him a message of kindness, tell him the kettle is on and hot chocolate awaits, hopefully he will return home very soon and you can start the day afresh x

Don't drag this into Christmas whatever you do !

You poor woman and your poor grandson. I'm sorry for your loss Life must be so painful for you both right now.

Your poor grandson. Obviously traumatized. Yes, he needs counselling. You likely do, too. Give gs space to remember his dad in his own way. Yes, he was your son, but he was also a boy's dad. 💔
Try gently to speak with him. Open the door and just listen.