To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

It sounds like you have a neurodivergent child who is desperately trying to communicate her struggles with you. Please look to your health visitor for help.

It’s tricky. It sounds like there may be some underlying issues

or is she living up to the box she’s been put into ‘the bad second born’ to the ‘perfect first born’

i always think with seconds that they don’t get the 100% the first gets so they won’t develop the same - and they have someone they are compared to whereas with your first it’s all new!

How is she when you have one to one time?

I have a teenager who was (and still is) exactly like this. He's diagnosed ASD and ADHD now and has fairly severe mental health issues on top. My best advice is to push for diagnosis as early as possible and take all the help and support you're offered. Bonus if you can go private. Good luck. It's wrecked my mental health.

Should add my dd has adhd but diagnosed late. As a toddler she was very strong willed but fine in other settings.

if you can get her an early diagnosis (whatever it may be) it will be helpful - I wish my dd had been diagnosed younger

Agree with a comment above, this sounds 💯 like she is neurodivergent with sensory issues. Please seek advice and help - it can get better. My son was so challenging as a baby and toddler, he's now an incredible 12 year old with autism absolutely rocking life and making mine worth living.

Anyone would find that incredibly hard.

Have you spoken to any healthcare providers about it?

It sounds like they may be neurodivergent. Are you looking into a diagnosis?

She's doing a really good job of telling you what things are not working for her sensory wise... I would listen to her.
Also see the GP about a referral for an neurodivergence assessment.

Try to put yourself in her place.. everything is uncomfortable for her, her brain works differently and she could potentially be processing up to 40% more of her environment than you, your husband and older DD. That's a lot for such a small girl and she needs some understanding and patience, this won't go away but it can be much much better op.

She's 3.5, it's high time you start being very firm with her and not allowing her to tantrum like this. She can't keep get away with it.

It's her own interest, no one else will patiently tolerate her behaviour. Imagine screaming at school every time she doesn't get her own way? She's already destroying her poor sibling's life.

WHo cares if she doesn't like her shoes, her bed? No one is asking her, be firm and don't reward her tantrums. You are exhausted because you are too nice with her.

My first thought is SEN

What have you done to help her? It comes across that you don’t like her and, therefore, failing to meet her needs.

It sounds like she is autistic. At the very least I would be getting a sensory OT assessment and SALT to help her communicate her needs better.

You’re the parent and the adult. Rather than giving up on her, you need to work to help her and get the right professionals supporting.

Op, please ignore this, it's not helpful and likely irrelevant if your DD has SEN.

Don’t listen to this OP. Theres nothing wrong with being nice. Sounds like your DD2 needs more compassion and understanding and kindness than others. She will pick up on any resentment, she’s not stupid.

I hope you aren’t a parent!

About the opposite of the advice OP needs with a ND preschooler!

Oh no. The opposite of this.

Tell me you don't understand SEND without telling me you don't understand SEND

@Hoverflies you mention PDA in your post so you're obviously aware there could be some ND at play here?

What are you doing to seek help / diagnosis?

Organise a diagnosis ASAP. Meanwhile look up sensory processing and see what fits. The 'Out of Sync child' is a book on this. I don't want to be trying to diagnose but this sounds like potential autism. Do some reading. Pls make an appointment with an occupational therapist urgently, you could be waiting ages for a diagnosis but the most important thing is behaviour management. You would be amazed what a personalised behaviour management program will do. Pls treat this as urgent, it's very damaging for DD1. Good luck. I've been there OP i get it, I really do

Sounds like my dd, she’s autistic. She’s an adult now, independent, married, but as a young child, very difficult, as a teen, also very difficult (was ok in between) and from about 21, fine, or perhaps I just go with the flow now, apart from arguing over eating. My life would have been easier without her but I wouldn’t change her for the world, she’s super talented, witty, smart

This is so sad to read. It sounds very hard. I wonder if reaching out to the health visitor would help? They can refer to differing avenues of support.
I say this as gently as I can but I think you really need to reframe the narrative in your head from her ruining your life to, your decision to have a second child hasn't been what you thought it would be.

That sounds brutal. And very much like it’s changed life experience from what you’d hoped for.

Also sounds like my daughter when she gets dairy or soya. None of the traditional allergy symptoms (other than slow weight gain). Turns her into an absolute sod.

@florence1234567

actually I was told one of the most important things with managing autism is to have solid boundaries and a reward mechanism, if you give in once you won’t get a second chance. My dd was diagnosed at 2 so we did get early access to help (USA)

Diagnosis or not; buy clothing she finds comfortable, cut out all the tags. Dgs hates “crunchy” socks fabric softener helps.
Modify all that you can for an easy life, a quick fave meal always on hand (cereal soup etc). Remember snacks, hangry is real.

yup. My DD2 was like this. She’s AuDHD.