To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

I just want to say that I get this. My autistic son is a teenager now, and the difference between him and his younger neurotypical brother is just immense. Younger brother has many hobbies, friends, he plays sports & music and he can cook and clear up after himself. Older brother requires basically constant supervision. To wonder "what if?" is so normal, and I hope you get some proper support. The advice from your HV has been totally useless so I hope that you get someone knowledgeable x

Absolutely this. These posters also always gloss over the fact there is an older child at home who was likely parented pretty similarly and doesn’t have any behaviour issues.

Just to offer a differing perspective..my DS was like this. High needs and extreme from birth, screaming meltdowns, hyper sensitive and easily over stimulated. Just such hard work and seemed so different to other babies and children. I asked for support and spent hours researching ND symptoms and disorders.

However…and I realise this will not the the experience of most of the people that have contributed to this thread and I almost daren’t say it but…he grew out of it. Around 7 years old, he just started to be able to handle his emotions more, became less sensitive, less extreme.

He’s now 14, chilled out and no trouble at all really. Still won’t eat anything orange though.

Is it bad to say I don’t want to be anyone’s safe space? I get it, I’m theres and they trust me but every single day is so hard.

nothing sensory works, I’ve tried weighted blankets etc and it doesn’t soothe them.

Both girls are permanently glued to me. If I leave the room for a minute one or both will come looking for me. I don’t go to the toilet alone, I don’t have a bath alone.

I love them so much. They’re beautiful, adorable and sweet to everyone. I see that side of them when we’re outside and they’re amazing. But as soon as my front door is closed all hell breaks loose and my mental health is at breaking point.

This. As a parent it’s so hard living day to day, you need fresh eyes and professional input. My child thrived in a high discipline, nurturing setting. The poster taking a not unreasonable kicking isn’t entirely wrong in that ND children must hear NO, but this must be coupled with other coping strategies that suit their needs are brought in. These will also need to change as they mature.

Disclaimer1: obviously not all children are alike, so please feel free to ignore me.

Disclaimer 2: as a teen my child suddenly caught up with their challenges and flourished with, versus against, their peers and siblings.

@goforadrive but having a possible autistic sibling does not stop her first child’s childhood , and she has a partner to help with both children… it is super hard I know full well.. but there are many lovely times to come as well as probably many more difficult ones! it just takes understanding and a diagnosis may help … it’s just sad to read the way OP worded her message.. but as someone else said in the thread, once a diagnosis happens you start to realise you are parenting an autistic child and gain a little more understanding ❤️ but even with diagnosis - there is no hardly no support out there, it’s just the understanding and the learning of the condition which helps in my opinion x

You said, and I quote, “the gentle parenting of the OP…”

I find it very hard to believe that you work with children, but then again the nurses in Victorian orphanages technically worked with children, and it didn’t seem to give them much insight in to child development and behaviour either.

If your children are NT, then of course you think your parenting is fantastic and anyone with less well behaved children must be doing it all wrong. It doesn’t make it true though.

You chose to have her. Don't blame a toddler for ruining your life. Did you get a certificate before choosing to fall pregnant that said your child would be easy and have no issues? Take responsibility for your choices and don't offload them onto a 3.5 year old.

Meant to tag @ThatKeenShaker in my post above

When my daughter has a tantrum (and she can have some humdingers) I wrap my arms firmly around her, securing her arms also and hug her tightly into me. I sit there with her like that for around 5 minutes not talking and she just calms down. I think it’s the rhythm of my breathing and maybe feeling secure because i’m hugging her tightly (I don’t let her wriggle). Once she’s calm enough I talk to her calmly and explain how she needs to use her words if she’s upset and tell me what’s wrong and that it’s not ok to kick off and be unkind to people. She’s usually much more receptive to what I’m saying as she’s calmer and will say sorry for her behaviour. Might be worth a try.

I had to frequently do this with my DS when he was younger, he would calm down after a few minutes. I still sometimes have to do it now but not as often ( he's almost 9 ) I think it's our heart beat and our breathing that helps them regulate themselves.

I agree with this OP try it

My oldest was like this from about 12 months old and omg its horrendous and exhausting. He was diagnosed as autistic at 5 and as having adhd at 6. He has signcant sensory processing difficulties and ARFID. He is a teenager now and is a good bit easier as long as is in routine, not over stimulated and getting all the support he needs in school and at home. You have my sympathies its beyond relentless.

I would start going down the route of talking to health visitors and seeing if there is a ND diagnosis.

Is she in preschool? What do they say about her behaviour? It sounds really hard.

Mumsnet loves to diagnose every child that seemingly can't be disciplined as neurodivergent. Absolute ludicrous.

The issue is your parenting approach/ style. Sorry but it's true. My first child (exact same age as yours) has demon tendencies, but she understands she has to contain her proclivities as we won't bend to her will, and she'll be subjected to consequences for bad behaviour. Eventually she learns it's not worth it.

They are your thoughts not you. Don't let others try to shame you more than you already do yourself.

And the obvious sensory issues? 🙄

I have 2 children. One we believe has Autism and ADHD the other we think has ADHD. I think you need to talk to your gp/ Hv or local autism service. It's very difficult to get support after the turn 6. Don't wait for DC2 to go to school.

My youngest woke hourly. I felt like I was going to have a breakdown. She screams like someone is murdering her. She gets very distressed. Its can be hard for everyone. Thd oldest has her own challenges.

It does change.. I won't say it gets easier but the challenges change. My youngest turned 4 and bam she started sleeping through the night ish. I say ish because she get up once a night but i can cope with that. The sensory stuff you is trial and error. Look for seamless socks.

My son is three and likely to be on the spectrum. I want to throw him out of the window as he is such hard work and a pain in the backside!

I never slept as a child - what finally got me reliably sleeping and not getting up or reading until 3am was one of the cats decided to sneak in with me and she'd sleep on my chest every night. Did it from when I was 4 until she was PTS shortly after my 19th birthday.

That's absolutely not advice, as I can imagine the gasps of horror from some posters at the idea, but that cat provided warmth, something soft, a regular sound from purring and weight. You can get toys these days that do the same - which might work better than a weighted blanket (although they're also very good for some people).

With shoes, it could be that they're slip ons, they could be narrow and squeezing her toes or the broadest part of her foot, they could have rough bits or a slightly too high or tight edge, irritating, stabby buckles or be too tightly/loosely fastened. Cheap socks are a pain for seams, being pulled up too tight or being a horrible material and clashing with shoes that might be fine - or if somebody's flatfooted/overpronating due to being hypermobile (a common comorbidity), the shoes could be perfect but they feel wrong on the feet because there isn't any arch support.

Clothes, apart from the labels, horrible materials, straps falling, fastenings digging in or seams making everything feel wrong - some people like the sensation of compression or being fully/partially covered; it could be an either stretchy leggings/capri length or not at all in the same person.

Add in visual clutter/noise in a house, TV on at the same time as a radio, sunlight or too dark, sounds of washing machines, dryers, dishwashers, sounds from next door, etc, maybe not being clear enough visually due to 'stuff' and there's a lot there that can send anybody into overload.

Ha. You don't understand that an autistic child is a totally different board game. My son can be told off for doing something and will do it again and again despite that. It doesn't work. Perhaps we trust our instincts that our children are neurodiverse.

This sounds just like my daughters behaviour…same age & 2nd born.
i adore her, she’s smashing nursery, incredibly bright BUT astonishingly fast to anger/scream/throw/tantrum/undress/ labels/food aversions ….alllllll of the feelings. She at least lets me cuddle her until she’s calmer & will talk with me afterwards, but blimey it’s exhausting & a real strain on her big brother (he is insanely patient with her) but it’s so very hard.
i thought she’d be too young for an accessment ? She’s a dream at nursery, shows zero signs (when I’ve asked them) with me it’s the polar opposite.
i have no tangible advice, but understand how exhausting it is x

Jeez, so the poster can listen to majority of people on this post and her previous posts that her child is showing all the signs of being ASD, or you, someone from the dark ages who probably just bullied your kids into silence. Well done you.

I have a child with AuADHD. He started pulling these sorts of stunts at around this age (probably a little earlier). I disciplined him properly. He's not done it since. Yes he still has meltdowns, but with himself. He doesn't destroy things. He doesn't hit anyone. The OP needs to nip this all in the bud right now.

You can have ADHD, ASD, sensory processing and a whole heap of other issues AND BE BADLY BEHAVED. Or you can ensure that their behavior is decent and the only thing they struggle with are the downsides of their conditions.

Not going to lie. It's bloody hard work, twice as hard as 'normal' parenting. But anyone who has a child like this owes it to them (and children who end up being in their class at school) to ensure that they know how to behave.

My son has been put on the waiting list for an assessment for ASD at three. Not sure when it will be done though!

That is because you are her safe place. She holds all those big feelings till she gets home and she knows you will still love her. Does she stim, thumb suck, rub silky material, wrap herself in cosy blankets, crawl into small dark places?