To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

ABA is highly controversial. And if this child has PDA, it will not work and in fact will make things much, much worse.

Op - my daughter was diagnosed autistic at 8 - so we had been in the system since she was about 5. Although it's not easy now - its a lot easier now I know Im parenting an autistic child.

@ThatKeenShakeryou are utterly and completely embarrassing yourself. You are completely clueless and I hope to god you are not around any child who is neurodivergent. Or any kids really, completely ignorant.

You could be describing my dd2 she’s currently just got an appointment for her adhd assessment. One of the questions on the forms we have to take asks about the birth and she had strep b at birth and spent 5 days in hospital on antibiotics. Did your dd have this?
I’m not medically aware of any link but wondering if your dd had this too?

Your actually not unreasonable to feel that way sometimes OP, it's really hard raising an ND child, even more so when their undiagnosed and their needs arnt being met properly ( I don't mean that to offend you )

My DD got diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at 9. Before I had any idea that she was ND I found her very difficult at times and sometimes I did feel like I regretted having her. I look back at that period of time and always feel guilty but at the same time I'm able to see if was a very very stressful and difficult situation.

Start researching about adhd and autism now and see what links with your daughter, you'll be able to find ways online how to support you, her and your other child x

Good lord, have we time slipped to the 1940’s? 🫣

Everything you describe OP, sounds precisely like a child with Sensory Processing Disorder and/or ASD. She is trying to communicate her needs and sounds very overwhelmed, it would help her and you to pursue a diagnosis and get some therapeutic support

@Hoverflies I haven't got time to rtft so sorry if it's been suggested already but both our kids were like this until we discovered allergies. They're angels now. Honestly I cried and cried after they settled down because I couldn't believe what we'd been through and if only I'd changed their bloody formula sooner we could have enjoyed the first few months with them 😢

Once they were on solids it became obvious though, proper reaction if they have dairy or egg. So I would have thought you'd have realised by now if it was that. I don't know much about these things though. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I can definitely offer sympathy though, it's soul destroying, thankfully we caught it early with our 4 month old when she was acting exactly the same as our older kid did, but it's going to take some time to repair our marriage quite frankly. Hope you can get to the bottom of it.💐🥲

Who says the OP has been “gentle parenting”? I didn’t read that.

You’ve no idea what you are talking about. A 3 year old that is potentially ND can’t simply be scolded out of having meltdowns.

A close friends child was like this and although they're still seeking diagnosis (he's 4.5) they have found cranial osteopathy has really really helped!!

I actually think it’s all right to allow yourself feelings.

I find it hard balancing the needs of two children even though they are (afaik) completely NT, so I think you’re doing amazingly. It must be incredibly hard, for all of you.

This is sad. I have two children who are autistic and exactly the same (age 6 and 3) and I would never wish they weren’t here and I have zero support… As in zero help whatsoever, no family and dad has no involvement.. Plus I homeschool them so I don’t get a break, not even 10 mins… but when they are not having meltdowns/ distressed they are the loveliest boys! At least you have partner to help you. Your children rely on you guys for support and love, just try to educate yourself on autism and get the diagnosis she needs. It is hard I’m not saying it isn’t but it’s equally hard for the children who are suffering x I know this because I’m autistic myself so my household consists of three autistic people . It is super hard xx

@Cocopops22 as sympathetic as I am the OPs DD2, her DD1 is a child too.

NT children’s childhood shouldn’t end when their sibling appears, but often it does.

I wasn't talking about the OP, I was talking about the ridiculous posters.

But fine, I have no idea what I am talking about, the children I work with work differently from the rest of the world, different rules apply.

My own children are so special and amazing that everything that worked with them would never work with anyone else.

If you say so.

EXACTLY the same for me and my amazing 12 year old DS. When he was 3 I thought our lives would be like that forever. I wish someone could have shown me what he would be like today as I'd have been delighted!

However OP - seek help. That's what we had to do, and then we had to work incredibly hard to help make his life better for him. Then life became better for us.

Best of luck. It will get better.

Op my child is PDA - but the primary issue here is her being autistic? Or ND of some sort. The health visitor sounds completely shit - but you can't rely on a health visitor to know anyting about neurodiversity so please don't give that any further thought.

There really is no point shouting at a ND child - it will just rebound by raising their anxiety and stress levels. I know how hard it is I have been through every sort of hell!

We are in a much better place now - with knowledge and understanding you will reach a good place for her - you are just at the start of a journey and reach out and get EXPERT help (ie. not shit health visitor advice)

This was my sister as a child, crazy melt downs, bad behaviour, no one would baby sit, didn’t sleep, put herself in dodgy dangerous situations, could be super cute. She was diagnosed ASD and probably ADHD in her late thirties.

Get on it asap, my sister copes mostly fine, single mum of two. But she struggled to stay in education (finishing a degree now in her 40s), and struggled to hold down jobs due to ASD misunderstandings. She still needs me to step in and advocate for her from time to time.

A diagnosis will make all your lives easier.

yiur post was like reading about my twin girls. Every single thing you wrote happens in my house daily. Im surprised the police or social services have never been at my house due to endless meltdowns and tantrums. But they go to school well behaved like angels. School see ZERO signs of ND behaviours.

we finally have a paediatrician appointment this Friday. They are six now and I made it clear to the GP that I just could not cope with the violence. It’s so horrible to be terrorised by your own children. Cowering on the floor whilst they throw things at you and laugh in your face hysterically.

I would say thought that if she is like this now, in my experience, it will get worse. Get it recorded by your GP.

Whilst this DC doesn't have a diagnosis, not one poster has come onto this thread and said, 'yeah, my DC was just like this, we got a bit stricter and they are fine now, they turned out to be a neurotypical child who was just acting up a bit.'

Oh crikey! It sounds like her DD is neurodivergent. If she is, then your comment is like telling the parent of a paraplegic child to firmly tell their child to get up and walk.
Please stop offering parenting advice.

Agreed with this.

People on here are far too likely to jump to SEN rather to think that MAYBE a toddler is acting like a brat because she's allowed to be 🙄

My first thought is We Need to Talk About Kevin.

Of course she may be neurodivergent, but that could mean a number of things not just autism.

Which bits of the child’s behaviour are ‘behaving like a brat’?

Sen parent and get how hard it is. So one but stood out

If she's tired and won't go to bed, do you put her to bed and keep putting her back to bed.
Do you have solid bedtime routine, the same routine, at the same time every night?

That is probably because you are their safe place. My sister did this, old be brilliant at school, and then come home and all that stress would be released in a massive melt down. Girls especially can mask, so home is where they feel safe to have those ‘big’ emotions.

create safe spaces, soft Sherpa or weighted blankets, quiet places they can escape and decompress.

Identical symptoms to my child who is autistic with adhd. Mainstream school but a very real, very constant, horrible struggle.