To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

This sounds very much like autism to me too.

In your position I would start by making a list of exactly what is triggering the screaming eg (seam on socks was uncomfortable; wouldn’t eat the blueberries; soft play was too loud etc).

Then I would start trying to reduce or get rid of the things that you can easily, cheaply and safely (eg buy seam free socks, feed her crackers instead of blueberries, go for a forest walk instead of soft play).

Hopefully that will improve things quite a lot quite quickly, which will give you the time and strength to go down the route of diagnosis and support from professionals.

My 4yo is autistic with sensory issues and when he’s dysregulated he sounds exactly like what you’ve described here. Is she at school or nursery at all? What have they said about behaviour?

please look into getting her referred for an assessment and then spend as much time as possible (I imagine you have very little time though) reading up on autism and sensory processing disorder. I’ve read what feels like the entire internet and I also find ChatGPT extremely helpful for typing out what my child is having a meltdown over and what I should do in the moment to calm down and then how to handle after. I also use ChatGPT for routines and sensory regulation ideas . Good luck, it’s really really hard work being a parent of a child with SEN

This may be helpful for strategies whether she has PDA or not. www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-helps-guides/childhood/

Oh Lord she sounds just like my DD, we call her X the Destroyer. She came out shouting, she was furious if she was hungry/tired etc. Also huge sensory issues around clothes, the money I have wasted on shoes....
Will be honest, she is now 11 and while it's a lot better she is still extremely hard work. Has some lovely traits too. Just in the process of a formal diagnosis, definitely neurodivergent. Can you and your DH divide and conquer so your older DD gets some time on her own?

Strict boundaries are often recommended for asd but not for a PDA profile. Instead you have to reduce direct demands - and a strict boundary IS a direct demand and will simply inflame things further.

I would consider food allergies too. Often goes hand in hand with asc. But it can cause low level irritation which means lots of meltdowns and sensitivity. You won't be able to test for them so you would need to trial exclusion diets

One of ours was like this. Now diagnosed ASD but we have struggled to get support or people to believe due to so much masking in public.

We did get melatonin prescribed quite early which was a life saver as I was surviving on almost no sleep at this stage.

We had some awful years with school difficulties and problems attending. We no longer send to school and home Ed mostly around interests which has also helped.

For me the changing clothes is really significant - I’ve heard that a lot with neuro divergent kids when they were younger

You posted about your DD back in June and back then there was an almost overwhelming consensus that there could be some sort of ND at play. You didn't acknowledge it in that thread and I'll assume you've not reached out to anyone for help or to seek a diagnosis?

How cruel!

The OP is clearly trying everything and - fair enough - not managing but she's way too nice.

The OP would not be exhausted, lost and sounding desperate if she didn't care and wasn't trying everything.

Gentle parents are falling over themselves to say I am "too strict" but your post is just cruel

Good grief!

OP it sounds rough. Do go and see you HV and/or GP. Lots of elements of what you are reflecting on resonate with me and the things we have faced.

Can you give concrete examples of how OP is ‘being too nice’?

With PDA the child is trying to avoid demands. At home they may seem to "play up" and many PDA children will do the same outside the house. But some find that the best way to avoid demands out of the house is to be super compliant (on the surface) so they are left alone but actually they are often doing their best to wiggle, surreptitiously, out of whatever they are supposed to be doing.

Nursery is child led anyway these days - perfect for a PDA child. The problems are at home and at school when they are expected to conform and that's where it all unravels.

My first thought, without reading other replies was autism. Well I did read one crazy reply saying get tough. Please ignore that one op

I'd try some earphones first to see if they help her. She sounds neuro divergent and needs support to develop coping mechanisms.

You sadly also need help. Please don't wish her away. Help her x

Yes this was my first thought.

I am not quick to armchair diagnose this rolled but all you point to seems to her having a sensory issue and it causing her distress. What has any of the doctors said?

if she has decent food she’ll eat and appropriate clothes. Can you get multiples, maybe a secure open sandal like Tevas for her feet so the don’t feel constricted or vevos or toe shoes

she sounds extremely distressed

I feel awful that this has come across as me hating my child. I assure you it is very much the opposite. I love her more than anything and I also do like her. I just don't know how to deal with it all. I am writing this on a particularly bad day and have probably framed it in an awful way.

I have considered ND, I have adhd myself and possibly autistic so I get very easily overwhelmed as well and need routine like she probably does but struggle to implement and stick to them. I have been researching and trying things since she was born. I spoke to a health visitor and she just said I was pandering to her too much and I should stop breastfeeding. I have coslept with her since birth as that's what she needed, I left my job because she couldn't cope being away from me, I buy clothes I think will work for her but this seems to change on an hourly basis, what works one minute is wrong the next. I have only recently started to lose my patience and shout at her, which I know isn't what she needs at all but I feel so overwhelmed. When I said she ruined our lives I know how awful that sounds, I just mean that I look at how easy things could be and I have moments where I wish it were like that. It doesn't mean I don't want her. I feel sad that my relationships with my other DD and partner have suffered so badly.

I know others who are PDA and think it sounds similar from what I've been told but need to do more research into it. I desperately want things to be better for all of us and especially DD2, I understand how awful it must be for her to feel like this all the time and I worry that I am doing all the wrong things that have made it worse. I desperately want her to feel happy and calm and secure.

A great starting point is reading “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Dr Aron. It will change the way you parent. Even if not ND, the trait of being highly sensitive has a lot of crossover with ND. Are you or DH ND at all? It’s hereditary as I’ve come to learn.

Your daughter could be an “orchard”. She thrives when her environment is perfect, but will wither and melt-down if one thing is out of place.

Talk to SENco at nursery, and get a
Pead appointment and an OT referral for SPD. Also know that girls learn to mask at a young age.

This poor sausage is so over-stimulated.
Also, create a calm corner at home. This is her oasis when she is deregulated.

I’m no expert- but the comments about her clothes has made me think she may be autistic- some autistic children don’t like certain clothes and textures etc. because of sensory needs
perhaps it’s time to see if you can have an appointment with a paediatrician. Good luck

Might have been better off with a DB4 ?

I only really put this in AIBU to get more answers and see if anyone could help with suggestions. I do understand that it is unreasonable to feel that way. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed right now

Whether she is diagnosable as autistic or not, she should have a proper behaviour analysis by an very good ABA consultant and then an intensive ABA programme for as long as you can afford it. We put everything we had into that, energy and money wise, and it paid off, for a child who also had constant challenging and injurious behaviour and severe sensory issues. He is a teenager now and has neither (he remains autistic of course).

If caring about emotional harm to children more than I care about a parent disliking their child and feeling that their child has destroyed their life makes me cruel, so be it.
I'd like to know how you come to the conclusion she has tried everything and is too nice? If she has tried everything why are you chucking in your rubbish advice about boundaries and her being too nice?

You say that when she was a baby, if she was not feeding, she was screaming. Although this could suggest some sort of sensory processing disorder, the fact that it began so early in life, and that you say she had weight loss as an infant, makes me about food allergies and metabolic disorders. There are a lot of different sorts of food allergies, intolerances, etcetera. Has she been investigated for those? How extensive were those investigations?

The second thing that comes into my mind is the welfare of your older daughter. If you are unable to give your older child peaceful, happy times at home, because of the behavior of your younger child, then maybe a top priority should be finding a way for your older child to get some sort of respite from that. That could be trips to the zoo with just mom or just dad (the other parent stays at home with the younger sibling). Could be single-night trips to do fun things. Could be a regular morning out with mom or dad (again, without presence of younger sibling) doing some sort of routine pleasant thing (e.g. trip to coffee shop with dad on Saturday mornings, child has dessert, dad has coffee) that your daughter can rely upon, no matter what.

I also wonder about you and your husband having some sort of respite so that you have something to get you through the hardest days. Taking turns to have a night away in a hotel so that you can each (individually) have a chance to catch up on sleep and some chill time, occasionally. That sort of thing.

It does sound like you need some help with parenting techniques that are individualized for your child's situation. Assuming you have tried the standard anti-tantrum techniques, and that those didn't work, then would you be able to access the help of a child psychologist to identify techniques that work for your child.

Last but not least, I would suggest you try switching to clothes that are pure cotton and soft to the touch (e.g. supima cotton). Tagless. Avoid clothing with tight wrists and ankles, avoid smocking. Loose around the body, where possible. There are skin sensitivity conditions such as eczema and dermatographia where "scratchy" or rough clothes on the skin is unbearable. Try getting a couple outfits that are designed for kids with sensitive skin and see if they help at all.