To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

You really don't get it. The one making everyone miserable most likely has additional needs/ disability and people are advising OP to get help. With the right help the problem is significantly reduced and everyones quality of life improves. If a second child was in a wheelchair they would also have a negative impact on their sibling but you wouldn't be advising to leave them locked in their room to give everyone a break. A disabled child needs have to be met first, then the family can function

Oh dear. It’s clear you don’t know what you’re talking about. How embarrassing.

Tell me you don’t understand Autism without telling me….🫩

Confirming to the OP that your advice is wrong, is helping them.

I would get her into a really good preschool. My "difficult" child was on the spectrum and an observant preschool realised this before I did.

This!

my DD can now describe the pain of touching velvet… and also of standing on bathroom tiles…

I know understand why she hated the lovley carrier we had that was velvet and would never go to toilet or brush her teeth!

we have no velvet in the house now and she has underfloor heating in her en-suite

@DontlletmedownbruceOrganise a diagnosis asap

😆 Are you having a laugh?! It takes YEARS!

Surely you’ve already considered that she’s autistic? Everything screams neurodivergent here, even to a non-expert.

Sensory issues around clothing, the meltdowns and the screaming… I was only a few lines in when straight away I thought “neurodivergent”. Please seek advice from your health visitor or GP, or the nursery SENDCo if your DD goes to one.

Agree with PP, she definitely sounds neuro diverse. Does she attend nursery at all where you can ask about her behaviour there? If she isn't in nursery is this an option for you?

You definitely need to talk to someone for advice and to start the assessment process and I would look at this when choosing a primary school for which schools are good with sen.

This.

@ThatKeenShaker well thank God you’ve cracked neurodiversity. Physiologists and psychiatrists can retrain now and we will all go with your advice of being a bit fuking firmer.

You have made it abundantly clear you have no concept of sensory issues.

You need to step away from this thread as you clearly have no understanding about parenting a neurodivergent child, as it seems like OP’s daughter very likely is.

I agree with you! Also NOBODY knows for sure that she has any form of neurodiversity. Yet based on a lot of these posts she’s been diagnosed already 🙄

Of course it’s the go to answer for most things these days isn’t it?

OP does she go to nursery? You said she can be completely different in other circumstanced and her behaviour can be very good. does she ever play up for others or is it only you?

I have an autistic child with similar behaviour. It is very hard but reading your post makes me really sad for your DD. The disdain for her is so clear, if she isn't ND maybe it is just complete overwhelm of emotion she doesn't understand because she can feel your strong dislike for her. Contact Early Help services and get some support before you significantly damage both your children.

She is autistic. Too tight / no socks - I've seen this so many times as a teacher. Picky eater - same again. She is likely masking around others, which is a huge effort. Then she is releasing it all at home. Please get her assessed.

My first thought was also neurodivergence especially when you mentioned the comments around her clothes and then not feeling right.

Does she have a routine? I think routine can be really calming for young children, especially if neurodivergent as it gives them a sense of security and reduces anxiety as they know what to expect in their day/their day becomes more predictable.

I would also agree to be firm with boundaries to reduce tantrums and manage behaviour.

Book yourself into some parenting lessons, take your child to GP so they are on the list to find out what is causing the issues. Don’t have anymore children until you are able to cope with the ones you already have.

You read someone say their child is destroying their life and from that you get that she is too nice to her child? I think it's more likely to be the complete opposite.

Your post reads to me like your DD has underlying sensory needs and would really benefit from an OT assessment.

Theres lots of information online but individualised sensory advice considering all her needs would most likely be a game changer for you.

Hi op I agree with pp’s about neurodivergence and seeking support but also could you try looking for softer clothes for her? Look at seams, fabrics, fastenings etc. I only discovered years later that the back of the badge on the primary school polo shirts had been bothering my ds for years. Plain ones would have been easier for him. Also really soft joggers, hoodies, t shirts etc. rather than jeans/harder fabrics, trainers rather than shoes (or softer boots?), pinafore without a waist band rather than skirts/trousers, all socks are not created equal, hats with a fleece lining are less scratchy, headphones/ear defenders to reduce the noise, thinking about bright lights, rooms with a lot of sunlight if that’s also an issue - she’s telling you things are a problem for her & she’s overwhelmed x

Alternatively its worth remembering that all behaviour is communication and its a child who's clearly communicating sensory issues on a large-scale.
Masking is real. Especially in girls.

It's not the 'go to answer', its more that we can actually recognise it instead of leaving people to struggle on for years.

It's quite possible that she's wearing different clothes that she does feel comfortable in on those occasions.

Such ignorance again. It’s not “playing up”. 🙄

Just as likely it’s classic masking as so often seen in females.